I've come home and written original stuff every night this week. I'm reading books again. I started re-hashing my comic book ideas. My insatiable, nauseating appetite has subsided, as has my compulsion to go to bed before 9pm. I found myself dancing around my apartment tonight for no reason.
The turning point was last week, when I became nauseous every time I got out of bed. It was bad enough that I called in sick to work and literally stayed in bed all day. I didn't do anything. I slept and slept. I got up at 3pm and found that the nauseousness has subsided, ate some whole food, read for an hour, and went back to bed until 5:30 am the next morning.
It occurred to me at some point during that day that this sounded a lot like depression.
I was battling a vicious appetite every night, having trouble concentrating on anything long enough to get any serious writing done, and was content to let a lot of little chores around the house slide.
Why do I let myself avoid the gym like that? Moving really screwed up my routine. I knew it was going to be a problem, but I was enjoying the novelty so much that I just let it slide. That lasted for quite a while. Steph and the Old Man had an elliptical machine at the house, so the nights I didn't work out at work or at the gym, I generally found time on the elliptical. Moving just completely screwed my entire living routine.
Ever since I moved, I've been happy and all, and settling in, but not exactly... efficient. Or productive. And the writing just wouldn't come. Line edits have been torture. What I'm writing now isn't brilliant, but it's new material, it's progress toward my next book delivery, and it's getting things going again. Man, it's been an unproductive three months. I was starting to worry over how long this bizarre neutral state was going to last.
I realized tonight that that 30th birthday Peru trip is only a year and a half off, too. Having a world jaunt to look forward to while working toward financial freedom in Dayton is also a pretty big motivator.
But mostly, it's the gym.
I've had to manipulate it so that my sugar's at at least 250 before I start working out. Just 40 minutes of cardio takes me down to 90. It's wicked. I don't remember the change being that extreme, but then, I used to do some weight training afterward, which usually make it go up again.
Still, a 160 point drop in an hour? That's just wicked. I think I'll be reducing my Lantus in the morning. 40 minutes flies by pretty quickly, and I'd like to bottom out my cardio at about 45-50. Do that four days a week, dance around my apartment and write like a crazy person all week.
It's like I've been asleep. Which I enjoyed quite a bit, mind you. It's just that I knew I was going to have to wake up sometime.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
What a Difference the Gym Makes
And, Finally
“The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.”
- Ernest Hemingway
Tonight's Song, Stuck on Repeat
Third Eye Blind - Good Man
If you ever find a way to forgive me
And if you ever find a way to put this all to rest
Because I'm hanging on your dress now like a little boy
And all that you wanted
And all that you wanted
Was a good man
Alright
Right in the middle of another big fight
Pull back another one tonight
I'll never forget, but who protects the memories
When we bleed each other from the vein
And if you ever find a way to make this interesting
If I ever find a way to stop disintegrating
Into pieces that I was that you destroy
And all that you wanted
And all that you wanted
Was a good man
Alright
Right in the middle of another big fight
Go to bed, it's getting light out
Why do you, why do you, why do you always stop me on places when I'm coming down
How do you do it when I've overwhelmed by a violet sky?
We fly in a decaying orbit, 66,000 miles an hour goes by
When we kissed and only now do I feel your mouth
Like an ache you never knew
And it was right in front of you
Oh how do you do it? Roots in the soil untangle
Releasing your sweet summer warmth, but still I recoil like mace
And all the little moments I pushed you away that I can't erase
Every moment overflows with power, 66,000 miles an hour
And if you ever find a way to forgive me
And if you ever find a way to put this all to rest
Cos I'm hanging on your dress now like a little boy
And all that you wanted
And all that you wanted
Was a good man
Alright
And all that you wanted
And all that you wanted
Was a good man
Was a good man, good man
Was a good man, good man
Was a good man, (was a good man) good man
Was a good man, (was a good man) good man
Summer Storm
The one nice thing about being stuck in a summer storm is that though you may be drenched, you're still warm, so you can pretend you're somewhere interesting and tropical while the sky roars at you.
I love summer storms.
What to do in Denver...
I deleted all of my dating profiles last weekend. I was just finally done with the long parade of mediocre and often stressful first dates.
I invited the not-Boyfriend to the movies this weekend, but he's seeing a very nice girl from Cincinnati these days, so he was booked out. Which is a good thing. We shouldn't be hanging out anyway. There's nothing stupider than spending time in a weird, unbalanced friendship.
I'm getting better about it, though. We don't hang out anymore anyway. I think he's just my default, "Gee, I'd like to spend time with that person!" person, and you know, there are better sorts of people who should be filling that roll. The feelings involved are a little too much like the ones in grade school when I was asking Adam Hopper to hang out. Sure, he liked me as a friend. But the liking was terribly unequal, and there's no fun or future in that.
So I'm starting to get back to that place where I remember what being single and unattached is like. Hence the final deletion of said profiles. Want to go to Peru? Want to get a job in Canada or Paris or the Sudan? Want to spend all night watching MST3K and eating flourless peanut butter cookies? Want to spend an hour and a half at the gym and linger at the bookstore and pass some time at Chipotle? Stay up until 2am playing WoW? Sit up in bed and write on a work night?
It would be great to have a great boy buddy again to hang out with, but as yet, none has been forthcoming. Old boy buddies have girlfriends, folks I know at work have wives, and building new friendships is always really stressful for me.
So I'll take some time off, then maybe go friend-searching as opposed to date-searching. Those searches are usually better investments anyway.
Kicking bad habits.
Yeah, I'm all over that.
In any case: seeing Wanted tomorrow!
