Hiccups

Gmail is having hiccups, so while I wait for it to come back, here's some Onionized "news" for your entertainment:

Female Atheletes Making Great Strides in Attractiveness

LOS ANGELES—In the wake of the Summer Olympics, during which many American women achieved a level of media attention often reserved for men, sports fans are pleased to report that female athletes are continuing to make great strides in their personal appearances.

Point-Counterpoint "I Wish My Life Was Better"

I know what you're going through. Before I created my Total Forward Thinking plan, I knew that the life I was living was not for me. I was renting a cramped, dirty studio apartment. I had a dead-end job. My social life? What social life?! I knew I deserved better, but I was paralyzed by failure. Thanks to the Total Forward Thinking principles, my wonderful family and I now live in a $2 million house that overlooks the ocean. I couldn't be happier!


The Onion's Pool Safety Tips

- Your body is 70 percent water, so don't worry: Even if you were to drown, only 30 percent of you would die.

- Leave a drowned squirrel floating in the pool as a reminder of what can happen when one isn't careful, and is a squirrel.

- Remember, you can't leave young children unsupervised around the pool, the way you do in the house.