Monday, January 31, 2005

Why Is it That I Attract Psychos?

I seem to attract a certain type of psycho, like moth to flame.

It goes something like this: boys crawling toward me, prostrate, talking about how they're not worthy of my glorious time and attention. They scream and cry and reach for me and go, "Strong, smart woman! Fix me! Nurture me! Tell me what to do! FIX ME! LOVE ME! I worship you! WHAT? You don't LIKE me? You can't FIX me? I HATE you! I'm going to FUCKING KILL YOU!!"

I so know this script.

Do they believe that I have some sort of Life Secret that they don't?

Do they believe I will act as some sort of big-hipped earth mother and pet away their woes (far, far, too many men with an interest in me are looking for absent mothers)?

Do they believe they can latch onto me and steal some of my spit and fire and hoard it for themselves?

Do they believe I'm a "fixer"?

Here's the deal, boys: I don't fix people. If you open up a conversation by trying to rip something out of me to bolster your own ego, your own fragile sense of self at the expense of mine, it's not gonna go well. Been there, done that. I don't take boys under my wing and baby them and raise them like fledgling chicks. I don't believe you attach yourself to somebody and then figure out all of the things you're going to "fix" about them. You've got the strength to get your shit together, or you don't. And you work at it every damn day. And you don't use people as crutches. You don't steal other people's souls cause you don't have one. Period. The end. You're a fucking adult. Figure out your damn life. Don't try and steal mine.

I am not a self-help guru. I don't know any more about life than you do.

So please, all you wonderful boys and borderline psychos out there, don't grovel toward me like I'm the Female Jesus Christ. I know exactly what tomorrow's flip side will be. Do not lay hold and scream, "FIX ME!" because the blood and guts on the floor when you're done aren't going to be mine.

Get your own shit together.

Feminism isn't a fucking dating service.

4 comments so far. What are your thoughts?

Anonymous said...

Amen. Thanks for the chuckle. Most are not unfamiliar in dealing with issues of those possessing emotional 'black holes'.  

Posted by VJ

Anonymous said...

I think you just described every "Family Matters" episode starring Steve Urkel ever. 

Posted by norbizness

Anonymous said...

Oh man, this cracked me up. Thanks!


Posted by JeffV

Anonymous said...

You know, what I love is that I called it.

For the most part, when I get these e-mails, I just delete them (I got one in particular from a guy who said he adored me and my site, blah blah, and gave me the link to his site, which argued biological determinism as the reason that "all men are violent" and "all women are kind and nurturing." Do I even need to tell you how violent this made me?).

But yea, I was e-mailing an internet buddy of mine (who is NOT a psycho, and who Has His Own Life), and I was like, "I think this guy who e-mailed me is a psycho," and he was like, "I think you're right."

I'm getting way better at pegging these things before they escalate, and I now employ "block sender" with remarkable ease.

It's like they're trying to bait me into bringing out the dominatrix gear they assume must be hidden in a box under my bed - but shit, boys, that stuff's been packed up for a long, long time. I don't bring it out for just anybody. I lost my riding crop in one of my many city moves, and things were just never the same after that.

Posted by Kameron Hurley