Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Open Letter to the Fuckers (and friend) I Owe Money To:

Dear Corporate Visa Fucktards:

Why, yes, I realize my corporate card account balance is more than 30 days past due. In fact, it stresses me out, too! It would be a great thing if my fucking employers actually reimbursed me on time, so that I could pay you expediantly and not continue to fuck up my already fucked up credit rating.

Believe me, I would love to pay you so that I didn't have to *pay* late charges incurred because my company is full of accounting snobs, late charges that are not, in fact, reimbursed!

Oh, how I would love to pay you!

But I am a lowly fucking admin, I have no money in savings, and you are just one of many, many people I owe a significant amount of money to.

In fact, you're the luckiest of the bunch, because you will, in fact, get paid within the next four weeks, when the payroll snobs get their shit together and give me my goddamn money back.

Someday, I will have a real job that pays me real money. Today is not that day.

Sincerely Yours,

Corporate Slave


Dear Great Lakes Student Loan Fucktards:

Why yes, I realize that my fucking student loan payment is due the 20th of every month. Did you fuckers look through your fucking accounts and notice that *I pay you every single month by the end of every month* before you started leaving pissed-off "you fucking owe us money" messages on my machine?

Have I missed a payment in the last year?

Why, fuck, no I haven't!

In fact, your fucking check went in the fucking mail today, so you can kiss my ass.

Sincerely yours,

Super Bitch


Dear Dell,

Yea. I lost last month's payment.

Sue me.

Your check's in the mail.

Sincerely Me,

Kameron the Great


Dear Jenn,

Yea. Sorry. You can cash the check tomorrow.

- Kameron

The beat goes on.

5 comments so far. What are your thoughts?

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the great laugh this morning! Where did you come up with "fucktard"? 

Posted by Andrea

Anonymous said...

My goddamn job doesn't reimburse me in a timely fashion either, and I also end up eating the late charges. Goddamnit. 

Posted by bitchphd

Anonymous said...

Do you like hip hop at all?

If so, you gotta check out the Okayplayer comp, True Notes, Vol.1 for Nicolay and Superstition, "The Williams". As in, "my bills are so old, I'm startin' to call 'em William."  

Posted by La Lubu

Anonymous said...

Ah. The origin of the term "fucktard."

No idea. But it's definately stuck, and people seem quite taken by it... 

Posted by Kameron Hurley

Anonymous said...

The origins of the 'late reimbursement' deal. It's called a 'float', you are essentially Loaning money to your employer for the duration. The fact that it might cost You more money, means you took a pay cut to accomplish this feat of unacknowledged charity. And no, it's not all that uncommon, seems like Lots of employers do this to 'get by'. The real sh*t hits the fan when your business is no longer a 'going concern', then you are still paying off their bills long after they cease to exist. Nice trick, and of course great insurance that your employer can fob off a good portion of their monthly bills off on to their workforce, who naturally do not have any share in the profits, just the debts. Just like the government only more so.

So this is no slight accounting glich. It's an essential part of the operation. You're paying them to keep you employed at a certain level. One way or another, they find the best ways to own you. 

Posted by VJ