Thursday, June 23, 2005

Worst Books Ever

John Rickards submits his candidate.

My submission?

Why, my favorite Clarion-buddies Read Aloud, of course!

In the Shadow of Omen by Steven Burgauer

Oh yea, baby.

Here's the digs:

A first-rate adventure set in a time when Mars is caught in the throes of early colonization. A feisty young woman must battle not only the untamed Martian wilderness, but a powerful corporation as well. To prove herself she must scale the tallest mountain in the solar system, Olympus Mons. O.Mons to some, Omen to others, it becomes a symbol for all the mountains mankind must yet climb to conquer space!

The Year 2433: For ten thousand years every gulag had been the same. The same drawn faces. The same haunting vacant stares. The same cold-blooded, unfeeling guards. The same tools for inflicting pain. It was in this godless place called a gulag that the line between humanity and inhumanity blurred, that the basest of animal instincts revealed themselves, that people learned how much agony they could endure before they folded.

Now comes Carina Matthews. Rebellious. Feisty. Intelligent. And her crime? Upsetting the status quo. Oh, the arrogance of it all!

Oh, the arrogance of it all! To publish your own SHITTY FUCKING NOVEL!!!

I don't have a copy here with me, but let's just say that the particularly fun passages to read aloud are the info dumps about agriculture on Mars, the female protagonist's "sharp breasts poking" into a guy's back, and the oh-so-marvelous Padme-like birthing scene. The sex scenes are a riot. It feels like a book written by a guy who's never had decent sex in his life.

Highly entertaining for those drunken Con readings.

Here are some great Amazon reviews:

If I could have given a zero-star review for this book, I would have. This is dreck on the level of Newt Gingrich's "1945". Mr. Burgauer should hire a good copy editor, at the very least. At the most, he should stick to his business books. - reader

Congratulations Mr. Burgauer, you just got the first one star review I've ever given! Thank you for the excellent recipe for llama sausage given in such exhausting detail mid-book! Thank you for revealing, showing, and writing down the contents of your thesaures at every chance, opportunity, or possibility! Thank you for so clearly illustrating the endless literary uses of the generally underused exclamation point! Thank you for the multitude of sex scenes in which portions of the female anatomy are proved to not only have independant motion, but apparently minds of their own! Think of the endless fun I've been missing by not knowing such little tidbits about my own anatomy! - kangarex


5 comments so far. What are your thoughts?

Anonymous said...

I wrote about the worst book I ever tried to read here: (And do note the fangirl squee-inducing comment in the comments...WORSE than Atlanta Nights! w00t!) 

Posted by Natalie

Anonymous said...

Burgy! God, how I've missed him...

Karin was a lot less forgiving of that infamous "laser-cesarian section" scene after giving birth to Garrett... 

Posted by Patrick

Anonymous said...

Additional: I have links.

-- Burgy ran for Senator on the Libertarian platform. Read the essays in which he shows the politics that inform his high-octane fucktard fiction.

(Note: Burgy’s gushing book review comes from the editor of the literary magazine at the college Burgy teaches at.)

-- Damn, those Indian demands for their land… they can sure mess things up, huh? If only a libertarian could come along and set us straight… With some bimbookers in there, too.

-- Anyplace that lists Burgy as an “Attending Professional” has just lost any chance of having my attendance.

-- Free excerpt! Free excerpt! Chance to read lines like “Technology had come such a long way, it was now all but impossible to distinguish a virtual image from a real one, that is, unless you reached out to squeeze a cute one on the behind. A virtual woman might give you an electric shock; a real one, a jab in the ribs!” or “The temptress was real, no holo-image at all, and she laced her arms about his waist, baiting him with her wares, and probing him with her powerful hands. Fornax never saw her face, but her firm breasts left an indentation in his back, her perfume an indelible imprint on his brain.”

Posted by Patrick

Anonymous said...

Dude, Patrick, we've *totally* got to get together for readings of this book again.

Oh, the insanity...!!! 

Posted by Kameron Hurley

Kameron Hurley said...

Sweet jesus. I forgot how bad that fucking book is....