Friday, August 12, 2005

Moral of the Story: Don't Cheat on Your Boyfriend

Following on the weird dreams caused by hot weather post of Wendryn's, here's last night's weird caper:

I dreamed that I met this really attractive doctor who was working with poor people around Lawrence. His sister, who was a reader of my blog, brought me there and introduced us. He was obviously hot on me from the moment I walked in, and we kept glancing at each other as she showed me around.

The sister noticed this and gave us some time together, and we chatted, and he was kind, funny, charming, socially responsible, successful, and smart. He was also quite attractive, not in a plastic-guy way, but in a kindhearted, superkewl way. The sister finally just told her brother to ask for my goddamn number already.

I hesitated, and considered telling him I already had a boyfriend, but Oh! he was soooo obviously into me, and I was soooo flattered, that I gave him my number anyway and when I left, I began to plot what sorts of activities we could engage in before I was actually cheating, and could I ever leave B for this doctor? I mean, this doctor was so polished and normal, and without any neuroses or weirdness at all, and he paid for everything without worrying about it and lived well, and he did all this volunteer work, and he was totally wild about me! Just imagine what my friends would think!

I left Romeo and headed out onto the street to get home, and he ran after me, climbed up a fire escape and yelled after me, saying he was going to call me, I was great, we should do dinner.

We had dinner, and he was sweet and smart and funny, and told me that my brain needed cleaning.

Why yes, he said, everyone did it. He was quite skilled at it himself.

I was still trying to figure out if making out with him would be considered cheating, and if I should break up with my boyfriend, and I agreed to a good brain cleaning. I knew I couldn't have sex with him because I 1) could expose B to some kind of bizarre disease, which was rude 2) I've got an IUD, so if he had chlamydia or something I'd have to have all of my internal organs removed, and I could die.

So, no sex. Not even in my dreams, do I get extra sex!! I have to get it all in real life. Poor B.

Anyway, Romeo then removed my brain and stored it in his refrigerator, where it had strange tubes poking in and out of it that bathed and drained the brain of fluid, washing it super clean.

Apparently, I could live without my brain for 48 hours before my system shut down and I became brain dead, so I could still walk and talk while this guy "bathed" my brain.

But once he had my brain, he started acting pretty weird and controlling. He wanted to tell me what to eat, what to wear, how to do my hair. He tried to convince me to break up with B. He waxed on about how romantic he was, and how nobody would love me like he did.

Then he went back to the refrigerator to retrieve my newly bathed brain, but he slipped, and knocked the entire brain and petri dishes of fluid on the floor, and the brain burst into a zillion pieces.

He was trying to decide what pieces he could salvage to restore basic motor skills to me when I woke up from my dead sleep and thought:


Whenever I worry that B and I are too neurotic to be together, I remember that we both layed out our weirdnesses up front instead of trying to decieve each other until we were both so far gone in the relationship that getting out was sticky, and though he thinks my brain is superkewl, he definately doesn't want the rest of me without it.

And yes, I'm looking forward to an end to this weird-dream-inducing hot weather.

4 comments so far. What are your thoughts?

Anonymous said...

Well there's certainly enough there to keep all the lads in the psych shop busy for the next few weeks actually. Concentrating on issues of control, autonomy and fears associated with same for a start. And no sex in the dream? This is pretty serious!

But not to worry, dropping a brain from the fridge will not normally cause it to 'shatter'. Slide across the room and under a cabinet perhaps. Shatter, almost never. More like a 'splatter' and then a slip & slide, depending on the height and slope. You learn these things in anatomy... And yeah, only Repug's would suggest a cleaning for your brain.

I think we can chalk it all up to the heat and to the fact that evidently you're crammed into your room like 3rd class steerage. Being familiar with 3d story walkups, I'd recommend a decent AC at least.

Cheers & Good Luck, 'VJ' 

Posted by VJ

Anonymous said...

This reminds me of Upright Citizens Brigade skit that involves characters receiving a new brain. 

Posted by Simon Owens

Anonymous said...

Well for starters he only had your brain the fridge as opposed to the freezer. Good so it doesn't form crystals and cause damage and the brains would splatter nicely. Honestly thoug Kam I wouldn't be overly concerned about this as it's no sent to military due to a nice deep brain cleansing, after all what would John Stuart think if his secret girlfriend joined the Marines? So you're nuerotic what good self introspective human isn't? At least you're burning this crap off in your sleep. 

Posted by Eli

Anonymous said...

By way of small amusement and as a token of the enjoyment and wonder I got out of Kameron's post over at Vanderworld, I present: The Ultimate(?) Dicklist.
Check here to see if yours is listed. Funny stuff!


Cheers & Good Luck, 'VJ'  

Posted by VJ