Friday, October 14, 2005

Woman! Someday is Today!!

Women! Someday is today

Is motherhood instinctive or learned behavior? Both religion and science tell us that it is instinctive, much to the distaste of the feminist ideologists, who have never been overburdened by a solid grasp on either. But one need only watch the way in which a young girl mothers her stuffed animals to see the maternal instinct at work.

Her stuffed animals???

Researcher 1: As you can see, this female engages in play activities with her stuffed animals. This is instictive maternal behavior.

Researcher 2: And yet, this male child here is also engaging in play activities with his stuffed animals.

Researcher 1: He is learning animal anatomy in order to prepare him for the hunt.

Researcher 2: But this girl's stuffed animals have been separated into two teams, and one is mounting a strategic air attack against the other. And this boy appears to be... feeding his animals and calling them "Floppy."

Researcher 1: Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.... ::waves hands in front of colleague's face:::

Although the Equalitarian Society is now, by most statistical measures, structured so as to favor its female members, it nevertheless poses a cruel choice to those women cursed by its costly blessings

Wow, I'd love to see how our Western Equalitarian society "favors" it's female members. We get to go to prison, too! Where are these "statistical measures, I wonder? hmmmmm

And a woman foolish enough to wait more than two decades before attempting to have children has no one to blame but herself.

And the fact that the state doesn't provide child and healthcare. And the fact that it took her those two decades to go to school and have a career that would make it financially possible for her to raise a child responsibly. Oh, and she had to find an actual, you know, willing partner to help her out with all this, and let's remember that men aren't all that eager to have kids at 20 years old, either. For reasons outlined above: want to go to med school? There's a decade, right there.

Oh, I'm sorry. I mean: women, it's all YOUR FAULT!

As for the likelihood that the technological future will eventually solve such problems, it is worth noting that no society that possesses artificial wombs, robot sex dolls, multiplayer video games and 24-hour sports networks is one in which men are likely to show a tremendous amount of interest in relationships or the opposite sex.

But I thought this was all women's fault? I'm confused now.

Bring on the babies in jars, in any case.

Fortunately, as we have not yet reached Nerdvana, there are a number of steps that a woman whose priority remains marriage and children can take in order to happily achieve those goals:

Well, thank Jesus for that!

Don't engage in casual dating relationships after 18. They're fun, and they'll also prevent you from pursuing more fruitful relationships.

Become a nun.

Make those potential long-term relationships your top priority. If you put college or your job first, there's a reasonable chance that a job is all you'll have at 40 ... and 60.

You should remain poor and illiterate. Men like women this way.

Consider the president's new Supreme Court nominee. The unmarried and childless Creepy McCrypto is on the verge of becoming one of the two most powerful professional women in the country – does she really represent the ideal American woman?

Wow! Kudos for getting Miers in here. No wonder the right wingers all hate Miers. She's unmarried and childless! This all makes a LOT more sense. *These* are the credentials they're looking for and can't find. They don't care that she's never been a judge. They're freaking out cause she's not married!

Settle earlier rather than later.

If it breathes and has a dick, hop on.

Those who are not still single at 35 are now married to men generally considered to be of lower quality than the men they spurned before.

Who are now gas station attendants.

Remember, your choices narrow as you get older, while men's choices broaden.

After 35, no man will ever want to have sex with you. Ever. Not even your husband. He has statstical measures, I'm sure. Though, I mean, we don't get to see them.

Luckily, if you're a lesbian, you get to luck out of this fate. Oddly, he doesn't mention this. Perhaps he thinks lesbians are mythical creatures made up in liberal hippie fairy books.

Let everyone know that marriage and children is your ultimate goal. Too many women, fearing the wrath of the Sisterhood, secretly wish for them while publicly and piously professing feminist-approved cant to the contrary.

The Wrath of the Sisterhood? Who be these sisters of wrath? Yea, cause, like, everybody from my hometown who was like, "I want to get married and have kids. That's my ultimate goal," I totally beat them up and strangled them.

No. If that's what you want out of life, you go for it. If you want that and a shitload more, I intend to remind you of that.

Unlike their female counterparts, men who say they don't want to get married or have kids usually mean it.

Ummmm. Yea. Cause we EVIL WOMEN LIE ALL THE TIME about such things. I really, desperately want 16 children and three husbands. I want to become a Mormon and move to Utah and make my own clothes and give up coffee.

And if you believe that, I have a some Nigerian money scheme I'll let you in on for only $29.95 a month.

Shed your man-hating friends, as well as those who buy seriously into the Equalitarian dogma. Misery loves company and miserable women like nothing better than to make everyone within a five-mile radius miserable, too.

Oh, finally we get to the lesbians. Kick out those lesbian friends of yours, and those closet-lesbians who sleep with men but say women need equal rights and access to contraception and equal pay for equal work! Those lesbian-friendly douchebags should be dropped like jeans and replaced with skirts, dammit.

The lesbians and lesbian-friendlies are just out to make you miserable, to teach you that you can fulfill all of your greatest hopes and dreams and live the life you've imagined! And who the hell wants that when you can marry the gas attendant at the local 7-eleven and bust out a couple of babies at 16 and live in poverty married to a guy who doesn't love you and who you aren't all that into?

Because isn't that what every woman wants?

Be brutal when assessing the men who are interested in you.

Castrate them.

Oh, sorry, different rant.

The way he treats others is the way he will eventually treat you.

Well now, how can I argue with that?

If you want the odds of easily bearing healthy children to be in your favor, set a goal of marrying by 25. You can always go back to school, you can't go back in time.

Because having children with the wrong person who steals your money and your self-esteem and fighting over your kids is a lot better than finding your own self-esteem, figuring out who you are, and boldly engaging in an equal partnership with a strong, smart, person who shares your goals and values.

Babies are more important than you are.

Remember that love is a choice, an action and a commitment, it is not a feeling.

Wow. That's very medieval. On to arranged marriages, anyone?

20 comments so far. What are your thoughts?

Anonymous said...

Lay off Utahns and Mormons...we too can be feminists. And I've never heard anyone suggest I participate in polygamy or make my own clothing.

I don't really care for arguing against stereotypes by reinforcing other stereotypes. 

Posted by Vandy801

Kameron Hurley said...

Certainly not. But there are, indeed, women in Utah who happen to be Mormon who *do* believe in polygamy and are quite keen on having a great number of children and don't drink caffeine

I was pointing out that I was not one of those women.

I was also making a joke. Relax.
 

Posted by Kameron Hurley

Anonymous said...

I understand that it was a joke. But I have a hard time "relaxing" when I find someone is using my religion as something lowly, something you're above. I think your joke goes on to demonstrate the aversion that my mormon friends and relatives have to the feminist movement. It's difficult to feel comfortable with a movement which time and time again mocks or illustrates a distorted picture of your basic belief system.  

Posted by Vandy801

Kameron Hurley said...

But Vandy, I thought you *were* a feminist? Isn't that what you said, "we too can be feminists"?

Perhaps this isn't the right site for you.  

Posted by Kameron Hurley

Anonymous said...

*I* am a feminist. I said your joke is the kind of thing that puts my friends and relatives off the movement. They see no place for themselves within the feminist organizations of today. 

Posted by Vandy801

aeonsomnia said...

I see that you've discovered that POS known as Vox Day; he writes for World Nut Daily sometimes. This article isn't unusual, for him; after all, he believes that women shouldn't vote. 

Posted by aeonsomnia

Anonymous said...

OK this settles it, none of you are aquatinted with the feministmormonhousewives.org site, right? I liked the rant though Kameron. Who are these 'gas station attendants you speak of? And yes the 'Twilight of the Middle Ages' never set in the minds of some of our leaders, which is why they're constantly trying to apply medieval logic and reasoning to 21st century problems. It is ever thus. Madison & Jefferson had to deal with the same problems.

And Vandy, Kameron did not mean to pick on the Mormons. She meant the Mennonites. And don't do the Dooce, she's constantly making jokes about Mormon's and she grew up LDS. I hope this helps some. Cheers, 'VJ' 

Posted by VJ

Anonymous said...

VJ, I appreciate the post. I am actually aware of the feministmormonhousewives site. But there's definitely a sense of hostility toward mainstream feminism within the mormon culture.
And I don't want to come across as if I have no sense of humor. Because I have one. But jokes that promote false or outdated stereotypes about my religion, though they might be funny, make it that much harder for me to gain others' respect or for others to understand me out in the real world (aka not Utah).
Fair enough? 

Posted by Vandy801

Anonymous said...

Clam Shucker 

Posted by Holly Martin

Kameron Hurley said...

I do, in fact, often make fun of Mormons. This largely has to do with growing up in small town where I was routinely engaged in conversations about religious beliefs with Mormons, Apostolic Lutherans, and Jehovah's Witnesses. Many of my friends belonging to said religions spent many years trying to convert me to their version of the Christian faith. So yes, I know quite a bit about all three religions, and I find many of their doctrines, even those only practiced by a minority these days, very, very funny. And that's my opinion. And this is my site. So, what other place to vent said opinon?

Vandy, I can certainly see why so many Mormon women wouldn't really see a place for themselves inside of the feminist movement. I certainly never saw a place for myself in Mormonism. Reconciling the Mormon faith with feminism is pretty tough.

And I do get your point about stereotyping. I know where you're coming from. I see jokes about feminists, "angry white feminists" and get personally made fun of, myself, all the time (I have a non-anonymous blog, it's inevitable). But for me to go onto others' sites and tell them they're out of line for making fun of me, particularly when they're poking fun at things that are truthful, would be an attempt on my part to censor their right to free speech, and that's something I'm just not going to do (however, if they come over to *my* site and start being assholes, that's a whole other matter, as this is my domain that I maintain and have rights over).

I did not, in fact, say anything untruthful about *some* Mormons. I've known Mormons who live that way in one capacity or another, so I don't feel terrible about saying that out loud. Do all Mormons practice polygamy and make their own clothes? Of course not. There are even Mormons who partake of caffiene, much to the disgust of the more hard-core followers.

But that doesn't mean that *some* followers of Mormonism don't act this way. And to censor the fact that there are, indeed, practicioners of said faith who do adhere to Joseph Smith's opinion about polygamy would be false.

And wow, this thread sure is off-topic.
 

Posted by Kameron Hurley

Anonymous said...

Your right to free speech ensures that you won't be punished for expressing yourself. It certainly doesn't ensure that nobody disagrees with you or that nobody tries to show you how your comments might be insensitive or counterproductive. If you want the kind of free speech where nobody tells you they don't like what you're saying, I'm not sure what the point of the comment option is. I enjoy reading your blog. And in no way am I attempting to squelch your free speech. On the contrary, I'm just expressing my own right to free speech. If you're implying that I came onto "your site" and started "being an asshole," you've completely misunderstood my comments. I disagreed with you and I told you what I thought about something in your blog. I was under the impression that that was one of the purposes of having a comment option.  

Posted by Vandy801

Kameron Hurley said...

Uh. No. I don't think you're being an asshole in the least. I was alluding to the fact that if people come over here and throw down useless comments like "Feminists give the best head," I'll delete them.

I have not, obviously, deleted any of your comments!

So no, I certainly don't mind you saying you disagree with something I said on my blog. You made me stop and think about what I'd said. In the end, I decided I was going to defend my actions and was comfortable with what I said, but by questioning me, you did make me stop and question myself, so hey, there was some positive stuff that came out of it. 

Posted by Kameron Hurley

Anonymous said...

Sure, there's a good book suggestion here: Chose 'The Waning of the Middle Ages' by Johan Huizinga rather than Norman Cantor on the 'Twilight of the Middle Ages'. Simply not Cantor's best book. Sorry about that. Cheers & Good Luck, 'VJ 

Posted by VJ

Anonymous said...

I like the advice about getting started on kids by 25. The advice about settling for someone who will turn round and let you down the following year less so, but I found an excellent way round the problem. Although, modified by the unfortunate aspects of my experience, I would recommend to other women in my situation that they use the turkey baster method rather than the one-night-stand method. 

Posted by Nick Kiddle

Anonymous said...

I'm waiting for the next wave actually. The tranquilizer darting and the needle biopsy extraction method. This way there need not be any onging interaction.

To wit: 'Oww look' Jeanie squealed 'Now there's a good looking prospect!' 'Tall dark, handsome, and carrying a briefcase, gainfully employed I bet!' 'Wait for it!' screeches Victoria from behind quickly clenched teeth. She slides up to the gent in question and asks 'Have you got a smoke?' 'Umm No I don't smoke, I'm on a macro biotic diet too' he smiles down at her. 'OK then how do you feel about Greenspan being replaced on the Fed?.' 'So it's 20 questions now, right?' He smiles more deeply, 'I've always thought he had more luck than talent and of course he took a dive for the Bushistas with his backing of those miserable and uneeded tax cuts...' Roger was cut off in mid sentence as his thigh was punctured by a long needle concealed inside a long neck Bud bottle. A ridiculously large trank was pumped into his system in seconds. Falling helplessly to the floor, the last thing he recalled was being carried into an alley by his 2 newfound female friends and his pants being dragged down to his ankles. 'This might hurt' was his last conscious thought of the evening as his vital fluids were being drained by the pro's. 'I'd usually ask for a more detailed inventory of responses for a lesser candidate' whispered Victoria, 'but I saw the parking tag on his case and knew he was at least middle management or a G-12', 'Or good enough for government work', winked Jeanie. 'We've got enough, put it in the ice pack and let's get out of here'. A week later Roger got a strange email asking him some detailed personal questions, and thanking him for the swell evening he showed 2 strangers in town for the convention. He responded back with as much of the details he was willing to supply, but never heard from the 'party girls' again. They had their only required follow up interview. It was enough.

I know, formulaic, but not as far fetched as the original advice either. Cheers, 'VJ'  

Posted by VJ

Anonymous said...

Just want to say "cheers" to Vandy for sticking up for herself. I myself, like Kameron, had years of negative interactions with Mormons, but then I went to a talk by Terry Tempest Williams (I think I'm spelling that right!) the author of several nature/ spirituality books. Like Vandy, she's a Mormon and feminist- y'all might want to check out her books sometime.

Anyway, point being that humor that bashes groups of people indiscriminately isn't cool, at least in my eyes. So some women are boxers: a very large number of women have child-raising as their main occupation. Ain't cool to group them all that way or to make cracks about it, is it? 

Posted by JV

Grace said...

Can we stop ragging on the middle ages, please? Modern fundamentalists do NOT interpret things medievally; if anything, medieval interpretation, which was subtle, coherent and effective, erred too far in the direction AWAY from literalism, whereas modern fundamentalists are incapable of understanding anything otherwise than literally. And it's true that once you've made the decision to commit to somebody, and enshrined that commitment in a legal contract, "my feelings changed" is not IMHO a sufficient reason for vitiating the contract, especially if the lives of small, innocent people are involved. THere are, of course, plenty of sufficient reasons - abuse being the principal one. 

Posted by Grace

Kameron Hurley said...

Personally, I don't know why everybody's always making fun of those Scientologists.

Definately not cool.  

Posted by Kameron Hurley

bigballsy1 said...

Man oh Man---wait, am I allowed to say that?? OK then, woman oh woman, are there an real ball busting, man hating woment?? Really, are there?? Just as I thought....All I asked for was for a "brave" woman (those two terms do not go together, do they??) How about a strong willed and wicked minded lesbian or straight femisit with the "balls" (excuse me, courage) to do what you have suggested..........that is, to truly castrate an evil, manly, chauvinist pig of a man??? I am such a man, and I challenge all of you man hating wierdos to put your knife or scissors or whatever (ax, hatchet, garden shears)....device you select to use, where your mouth is. If you have the "balls" to remove mine, then lets see how truly brave you are. I gurantee total anonimnity and confidentiality and full absolution...........Ha, that is what I thought..........What a bunch of hot air!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Posted by Ozzy Harris

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