Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Grief

I was on the phone with my buddy Stephanie the other night - I've known her since we were fourteen or fifteen, and she's quite familiar with the fuck-up that was my only other relationship.

I've been mostly OK about my current breakup, though there are times when I experience these terrible moments of absolute grief. B is a good man. Despite all our troubles and differences, he is really wonderful, and I know I'm lucky I dated such a great person. We just weren't right for each other.

"Just think of it this way," Stephanie said. "When you broke up with B, he didn't threaten to kill you and drink bleach. That's an improvement from that other guy you dated. It'll all get better from here."

Gee, it better.

I feel like every time I try to get into some kind of sexual relationship with somebody, it all goes bad. I've had two relationships and two brief affairs. One guy was an abusive fucker. The other one too emotionally exhausting for me. Breaking up with both of them was incredibly hard. I'd like to say the affairs were better, but one of them nearly cost me our friendship, and the other one had a girlfriend who later threatened to kill me.

I'm not seeing a real great pattern here.

3 comments so far. What are your thoughts?

the bluest light said...

Ok, so far in your life you've got involved with the wrong people, fallen for the wrong people. That's not your fault. And it doesn't mean you won't find some-one who makes you happy and actually improves you're life, rather than causing you stress and pain. Or that you won't find a a work/social/exercise/writing balance that makes you healthy and happy without a long term partner.
Keep writing, and keep taking care of yourself. 

Posted by werty

Wendryn said...

Work on being happy in your life. Just because you've struck out a couple of times doesn't mean you always will. If you can work towards being happy with yourself rather than because of someone else, the long term will be much better, with or without a partner.

Best of luck. Hang in there.

Unsane said...

You're too intense. :O