Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Get Your Shit Together

So I was on the phone with my not-Boyfriend last night, and, to put it bluntly, I kicked his ass. You can only put up with so much emo whining before you just crack.

You know what, everybody?

Life is hard.

Really fucking hard.

Getting what you want out of life?

Even fucking harder.

I have had a shitty couple of years. Let's be honest. I got a chronic illness that cost me 30K and 4 days in the hospital and takes up a staggering amount of time, money and energy to manage on a daily basis (not to mention self-control, discipline, and plain fucking hard work). I've been in four relationships, two of which ended in smoking ruin, been dumped twice (three times, actually, two people). I was laid off from my cushy but (let's face it) dull Chicago job, blew through my 401(K), fucked up my friendship with my best friend, rang up 17K in credit card debt (16, 17, 18? Really, who can keep track?), and had books rejected by agents and publishers across the board.

And you know what? I could have chosen to deal with any and all of these things: chronic illness, job loss, fucked relationship(s), the usual rejection, with giving up. With hiding under my bed and feeling sorry for myself. I could have denied the whole chronic illness thing and continued to subsist primarily on carbs and sob into my brown sugar oatmeal in the morning and run around wacked-shit crazy because my sugar levels were all over the fucking board, running around with crazy depression and weepiness and tell everybody "poor me! Poor me!"

Fuck that shit.

Why the hell would I choose to hide under my bed and cry all the time? What's the point in that? What does it accomplish? Lying around feeling sorry for myself doesn't change the situation.

I hate that I have to work my ass off just to feel "normal" now. I need an hour of exercise a day and a low-carb lifestyle to feel my best. And just to keep that up takes not just willpower, but fucking work. I have to adjust all my insulin levels and correct for lows and test all the time, because sugar's easier to manage if you have a set routine - sugar's always easier to manage when I'm sedentary, cause then I'm not having lows all the time and feeling like I want to rip people's heads off and unable to concentrate at work for 20 minutes while I even out again.


Instead, to be at my best, I have to go through a calibration phase every time I mix up my routine. So for the first week of a new workout routine I'm adjusting my sugar. Oh, sure, it gets easier once you have the new formula down, but the reason I like routine - eating and exercise - is because it's just so much fucking work to change it up. And I still have to change it up sometimes. And it sucks.

Also, having a fucking budget sucks. It really sucks. It sucks that I have to cut out all the fucking cheap-ass food (because it is, of course, full of carbs) but can't splurge on expensive cheese - the only stuff I can eat totally guilt free that I adore! - because, again, it's fucking expensive. it really sucks. It sucks to live on fajitas and spinach salad. It sucks not going out to eat all the time and buying diet cherry coke. I hate it.

But what I hate more than ANYTHING, more than any of this fucking WORK, is being a fucking loser. Is falling down and not getting the fuck up again. Everybody gets to whine and bitch and moan sometimes, you know? But when you're done bitching, you get the fuck up. You take it a step at a time. You figure out what you want and you start to build it, one block at a time.

You get your health together first, because if you're mentally wacky, you can't do shit. And that's pretty fucking hard, too. Not everybody has health insurance or people in their lives to love and support them through the hard shit. It's called fucking privilege, to have health insurance and a support network. So if you've got it, shut the fuck up and stop bitching and get your fucking shit together.

Get your shit together, not-Boyfriend.

9 comments so far. What are your thoughts?

Hannah said...

You do have some fun/treats built into your budget, right? Those things tend to be a lot easier to stick to if they're not utter deprivation. (Which I suspect you know, but hey.)

Kameron Hurley said...

Oh yeah, I have $100 a month budgeted for "fun" money. So if I really wanted, I could eat some cheese. But that means *not* doing other things, like Chipotle. Or a new pair of jeans. Or misc. toiletries. Stuff like that.

To put that in perspective, I was spending about $400-$600 is misc "shit" the last couple months. My "budget" before was $400 a month in misc "fun," but that budget wasn't going to pay off my credit cards within any reasonable time frame.

Now it's just... tight. It's not like I can't live this way, it's just not exactly the funnest thing I've ever done.

Growing pains. Gnashing of teeth, etc. etc.

Laura Anne said...

I shall have to tag your LJ now, damn it (fair warning, so when someone new shows up on your f-list you'll know who it is).

Because, yes. A hundred times, yes.

La Gringa said...

If he doesn't want to take advantage of those things, tell him to send them my way. I could use them right now. Especially the health insurance (she said as another annoying SSRI withdrawal brain zap smacks her in the head).

Kameron Hurley said...

Yeah, it's a stunning waste of an incredible gift, this health insurance.

He gets 20 psych visits a year, 20 chiropractic visits and ALL of his meds 100% covered (same insurance as me, obviously)

You'd appreciate his much more than he does.

Jackie M. said...

Yeah, but there's two kinds of crazy: crazy "with insight" and crazy "without insight." Generally, the more severe the crazy, the less a patient is able to be aware of/cope with their crazy. Or vice versa.

Travis said...

yes I'm crazy.. Yes I've been this way my whole fucking life.. Yes i HAVE gotten MUCH better in controlling and noticing it than I ever have in my entire life in the past few years.

I've made great strides in the past year. But I'm still behind everybody but I still manage to surpass most people in other areas.

Dont under estimate the ADHD person when they are running full steam.
You seem to forget that and focus on when I feel like fucking shit. Its fucking hard when your own mind is telling you to just take a break and bitch. As to where your mind tells you to get up off your damn ass and go.

It takes me 50,000 times more will power to do what you do every fucking day!

Also 20 visits here and there.. well my doctor is not in network.. And I don't like changing Dr's all the time. I stick with ones that I know are good and have been using for a while.

BLAH BLAH BLAH.. I always have more to say but never know how to say it.. so I will leave you with a quote....

Edison said after his workshop burned to the ground, “There is great value in disaster. All our mistakes are burned up. Thank God we can start anew.”

Jackie M. said...

For what it's worth, Travis, I'm not judging you. My own experience with crazy is, you do what you can, when you can; and you ride it out when you can't.

Now I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that Kameron's being hard on you because she's hurting.

Kameron Hurley said...

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I think you've done a hell of a job, Travis. It's one of the reasons I respect the hell out of you.

I'm just sayin': we all need a good ass kicking now and then. Ian and Steph kick my ass all the time. I wouldn't be doing as well without it.

I'm just paying it forward ;)

You did text me a "thank you" when I was done, tho, remember? lol

You'll get it together. I have faith in you, but it doesn't mean I'm not going to bitch. Remember that the hard stuff bleeds off on people you care about. We get it. It's frustrating for us, too.

You rant out loud. I rant on paper.