Friday, July 04, 2008

The 4th

Went out to Steph and the Old Man's for a BBQ (always diabetic friendly over there - they take good care of me!) and chatted with them about life, the universe, and everything, including the future. There are future things I don't want to think about just yet, not until the CC debt is under 5k, but that's about the time I'll need to look into whether or not I want to settle here, buy into a house, the cheap but... illfitting? Ohio life.

I like that I can buy a house here. I love my job. But I don't know how long the job will last, and I don't know that I want to marry myself to Dayton, or to the limited jobs in Dayton. I want a better writing job. I want a different town.

I'm a bit of a bad fit here. I always feel like such a misfit. I mean, sure, I grew up a fat geek girl, but this is something different. I just don't feel like I fit out here. Too loud, too opinionated, too interested in books and big ideas, and with utterly and completely different values and expectations than the people around me. It's uncomfortable sometimes, to want something different in a place that is happy and content with a life that I spent most of my life trying like hell to avoid.

I will need to decide at some point, likely at the end of the year. Sink or swim. At some point you have to stop hedging your bets and build a future.

Drank some good whiskey and came home and sat out on my porch in shorts and a tank top, lit a candle, and watched some fireworks. I can hear a lot more out there than I can actually see, but man, it's nice.

Am I the only person to sit out on the porch and think, "Hey, about 10pm on the fourth of July would be a great time to shoot somebody!"

I'm a writer, yo. I have to think of these things.

Steph's coming over for pancakes and coffee tomorrow morning, so I'll play some WoW and call it a night. A good night. Nothing fancy, nothing big, certainly cheap and totally unstressful... just a good night.

Sometimes I can stop running and just be. For a night. Those are good times.

But I just get so damn restless.

Sometimes I think it would be great to have enough. Then I remember that when I have enough, I lose all of my motivation, and it's all take out pizza and sleeping all day.

Restless can be good. Restless keeps you moving.

But, for tonight: a good night.

2 comments so far. What are your thoughts?

Suzanne Perazzini said...

Perhaps you're putting too much pressure on yourself to settle down. Maybe you're actually at that stage in your life yet. You just think you should be.
I sure understand that restless feeling - it never goes away.

Kameron Hurley said...

I do want a house and garden and all.. just not so sure I want them *here*... And still looking for bigger and better things, jobwise. This one's definately a stepping stone to better things, I think.