Tuesday, July 08, 2008

I'm starting to think...

... that I may actually be one of those people who only really falls hard for people who don't like them.

Some of this is hard conditioning from grade school, you know? I spent years... YEARS pining after people I knew were impossible crushes. You know, those kinds of guys who never looked twice at you in school. The ones who wanted to be "just friends." I nurtured these crushes for ages and ages. In fact, I can think of maybe three people who took up the entirety of my fantasy crush time from 3rd grade to 10th grade. That's just sad. But it did keep me out of trouble.

And then in high school I didn't have much experience with dating people I pined after or who really liked me because there was, you know, just the one guy for three years. Who, yes, I did get bored with quite often. But everytime I got bored there was some psycho thing going on and some near breakup, and then him in tears and crazy screaming, and so that drug out way too long, because I was like, "Well, look, nobody else likes me!" Then I finally dumped him for the final time and took six years off because if that's what a relationship was, I wanted to fucking part of it.

So when I started dating again three years ago, I generally, you know, dated people who really liked me.

And it was weird. Then I was crazy for a year of that. And crazy shit happened. And I was like, "Dating people who really like you is CRAZY!"

But really, the crazy was just me.

Then suddenly I grew up and got better and realized hey, love is not so scary! It just fucks you up and breaks your heart, but damn, the sex is great! I should just go for it!

And that, of course, freaks people out.

But now I find myself doing my usual routine again, pining after people who just aren't interested in the least and just aren't available. And I'm thinking, "What the hell is the point of this? I've had people want to die over me, and turned down all these marriage proposals, and here I am, pining after jerks and losers again," and then I'm like, "Well, yeah, that sure is a lot easier than having a real relationship, isn't it?" And I'm like, "Why, yes, yes it is!"

I'm in that crappy place right now that good girls get into, which is that I really want to get laid but really don't want to get into a relationship because I'm so fucking tired of bland, passionless first dates and I can't spend any money anyway, but I'm not the type who goes out to a bar looking for a one night stand because, let's be honest, I just can't get off having sex with some random stranger (gee, sucks to be me!). Why am I so boring??

So it's summertime, and I love my life.

It just sucks that I also have a sex drive.


But seriously, what a waste of my time. I'm not in gradeschool anymore. I have better things to do with my fantasy time... like, you know, plotting out the first half of Babylon.

Which would actually be a whole hell of a lot more productive.

6 comments so far. What are your thoughts?

Ysabel said...

Go create an OKCupid account, answer at least a couple of hundred questions, and look for people with single-digit (or even better, zero) enemy matches with you that're nearby. (It's our experience that a very low enemy match is actually the very best indicator, though usually you get high matches with those low enemy matches.)

I suspect you can find someone who's completely okay with just being a friend who you occasionally have sex with that way. I've been pretty impressed with OKCupid's ability to be used in exactly that way by kink-friendly and poly-friendly folks.

Kameron Hurley said...

I've been through OK cupid... deleted my profile along with my other online dating profiles a while back. Just too exhausted with the whole first date thing. You can only "meet" and interact with so many people for you just get exhausted with the whole thing. Dating has never been terribly fun for me.

Dating can sometimes just be totally demoralizing and exhausting. I think I'll wait until next year when I have a car and a means to get to Columbus or Cincinnati.

Dating in Dayton? Just don't.

Not enough money or motivation yet to get back on the dating kick. As said: I have better places to put that energy right now. It can just be frustrating sometimes.

Kameron Hurley said...

And, again: I can't do the "friends with sex" thing. It just skeeves me out; so I don't get anything out of it.

But damn, there are so many times I wish I could.

Catrina said...

Hurray for vibrators :)

Jennifer said...

I hear ya on all of this. I've had people nagging me to date online already (I have no other options of meeting men- I like my town, but there's nobody single over age 22), but I'd rather shoot myself than date online. Can't boink friends either.
Oh well.

Ismone said...

I so hear you, Kameron. I've been there, particularly with being interested in people who weren't interested in me. I don't think it is pathological---I think it is more a matter of bad luck.

And first dates are like job interviews. Blech. When I did the whole match thing, I had to decide I really clicked with someone to go on a first date. It eventually worked, but I don't think it didn't work earlier because I had been doing anything particularly wrong, but because I finally stumbled into someone who I really liked and who really liked me. It was like huh? This is new.

Before, there was nothing wrong with the people who liked me and I wasn't particularly interested in, nor was I wrong to be interested in people who weren't particularly into me. They were cool people, and its not OMG lightning bolt straightaway for all relationships.

If you feel like trying, go for it, just don't let yourself get overwhelmed. I, fortunately, had a good friend (when I was whining about the lack of men in Alaska last year) tell me I had no reason to complain because I hadn't even TRIED dating. So I did, and I met someone really cool who didn't end up being long-term, but who did make me realize that there were good, interesting men out there who liked dating women like me.

Okay, enough about me. Back to work.