I'm starting to think...

... that I may actually be one of those people who only really falls hard for people who don't like them.

Some of this is hard conditioning from grade school, you know? I spent years... YEARS pining after people I knew were impossible crushes. You know, those kinds of guys who never looked twice at you in school. The ones who wanted to be "just friends." I nurtured these crushes for ages and ages. In fact, I can think of maybe three people who took up the entirety of my fantasy crush time from 3rd grade to 10th grade. That's just sad. But it did keep me out of trouble.

And then in high school I didn't have much experience with dating people I pined after or who really liked me because there was, you know, just the one guy for three years. Who, yes, I did get bored with quite often. But everytime I got bored there was some psycho thing going on and some near breakup, and then him in tears and crazy screaming, and so that drug out way too long, because I was like, "Well, look, nobody else likes me!" Then I finally dumped him for the final time and took six years off because if that's what a relationship was, I wanted to fucking part of it.

So when I started dating again three years ago, I generally, you know, dated people who really liked me.

And it was weird. Then I was crazy for a year of that. And crazy shit happened. And I was like, "Dating people who really like you is CRAZY!"

But really, the crazy was just me.

Then suddenly I grew up and got better and realized hey, love is not so scary! It just fucks you up and breaks your heart, but damn, the sex is great! I should just go for it!

And that, of course, freaks people out.

But now I find myself doing my usual routine again, pining after people who just aren't interested in the least and just aren't available. And I'm thinking, "What the hell is the point of this? I've had people want to die over me, and turned down all these marriage proposals, and here I am, pining after jerks and losers again," and then I'm like, "Well, yeah, that sure is a lot easier than having a real relationship, isn't it?" And I'm like, "Why, yes, yes it is!"

I'm in that crappy place right now that good girls get into, which is that I really want to get laid but really don't want to get into a relationship because I'm so fucking tired of bland, passionless first dates and I can't spend any money anyway, but I'm not the type who goes out to a bar looking for a one night stand because, let's be honest, I just can't get off having sex with some random stranger (gee, sucks to be me!). Why am I so boring??

So it's summertime, and I love my life.

It just sucks that I also have a sex drive.

Blast.

But seriously, what a waste of my time. I'm not in gradeschool anymore. I have better things to do with my fantasy time... like, you know, plotting out the first half of Babylon.

Which would actually be a whole hell of a lot more productive.