Saturday, January 15, 2005


Man, downer day. I was also kicking myself during pilates about my weight again, because we've got 2 walls of mirrors, and I'm exhausted, and have spent most of the week living out of a hotel.

So fucking frustrated, why's it take me a year to drop two sizes? Why do I have to wait another goddamn year to drop the last 2? Am I just some kind of lazy fuck? Why don't I just cut calories again? Why's it 10 degrees outside, I should go jogging... why can't I get this right? Why is this taking so long? I look awful...

I'm so used to the binge and purge cycle that I honestly don't know how to deal with just this: approaching eating and exercise not as a binge or purge time but an actual altering of my whole life, so I *don't* have to binge or purge again. No more binge sessions. No more crash diets. Just being better. And being that. Long term. No more bullshit. I'm tired. I'm too old to do this, and if I don't get a handle on it now, I never will.

And it's fucking hard to do when you *feel* like you're doing everything right, but society's benchmark to who you are, what you're worth, is how much fat you're carrying around on your body.

Jenn and I are about to head out for a birthday dinner, and I just put on my favorite brown jacket, the one with the third button that's too tight a fit to close down there around my hips -

- and I just closed it tonight without a hitch. No fabric stretching. Easy close.

Whooosh of relief --

Because the easy fit reminded me that I was right about my "set" weight point. I'm heading back there.

The women in my family have big hips, so when we're in good shape, our set point is about a 10/12. If I was smaller than that, I'd either be a serious athelete or dying of cancer. This means I've actually spent most of my life at a 14/16, which is perfectly reasonable for me and my frame. I'm currently a 16, same size I'm at in the profile picture (you'll note I included the full scectrum of life photos on my photopage).

This is not an unreasonable thing. It is, in fact, quite comfortable. It's just... it's just... I think I was just scared. I was scared that I'd treated myself so horribly that I couldn't get back into good shape, back into a 12 where I'm big enough to be intiminidating and fit enough to carry out the threat.

In the back of my head, forever, I think, is going to be this fear of backsliding. This fear of just giving it all up and reverting back to who I was once-upon-a-time ago, and though that's a good driving force to get me off my ass, there's a deep, gnawing fear that that awful person is who I really am, is my default. Do I see an increase in weight as being tied to being a weaker person? Well, yes, actually, I do, because the history of my (however short) life has seen the two biggest weight spikes at the two most turbulent, stressful times of my life. So I'm going to associate weight spikes and huffing and puffing up stairs with being a bad person.

I just don't want to be weak again. Physically, emotionally. It's like that deep fear just sits on your shoulder, leering. It's the same fear that sends me into mild panic attacks at the thought of forcing myself to go on dates (man, I've been on a dating kick, lately - it's midmonth, I'm ovulating. I'll be better next week):

You try and do that, and you'll be that weak person again. You know how you get. You'll fail. You'll backslide. That's just what you do. This is your life. This is how it has to work. Just like this. Add anything else to it, and the delicate balance you've got is going to alter, and it'll all come crashing down.

Is there ever a cure for this sort of thinking? I don't know. You just live it.

Some days are better than others.

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