Saturday, January 15, 2005

Life is Hard.

After all, it eventually kills you.

Feeling a little off today. Went to my pilates class, but skipped boxing because Sifu Dino showed up, snarked off something that really irked me, and then hung around while the boxers were warming up.

And I just wasn't in the mood for him.

I have this bizarre reaction to Sifu Dino. I have no idea what's up with it. It's not an attraction thing - he doesn't do anything at all for me - but it's definately a physical reaction that sets me on edge. I hasten to add that this is a purely personal thing: he's a good guy, and lots of people - men and women - love working with him.

It's like every time I see him, I want to fight him. This is the stupidest thing ever, of course, cause the guy could rip both my arms off if I looked at him funny, and cripple me for blinking weird. And here my body goes, switching into combat mode when I see him.

I remember when I first started working for Blaine, and whenever he came up next to me, I expected him to hit me. Blaine's a big guy, about 6ft tall (I'm 5'9, but in heels, I can easily look him in the eye), and outweighs me by something like 50 or 60lbs. But he's also a big puppy dog, a sweet guy, who I actually haven't even ever heard raise his voice. I wasn't hit a lot as a kid, and though my ex threatened violence, and I got the same sort of hunched defensive reaction when Blaine would lean over me as I did when my ex screamed at me, my ex wasn't exactly an intimidating person - same height as me, and I outweighed him - so I'm not sure where this aversion for big, physically powerful men comes from (and, in fact, Sifu Dino's only like 5'10, but the way he holds himself, the way he's built, his attitude, is one that exudes some sort of danger trigger for me - not an attraction one).


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