Sunday, January 23, 2005


I just forced myself awake from a dead sleep. I had a nightmare that Jenn (my roomie) told me that she was moving in with her her SO when our lease ran out in May. I was flabbergasted, because I'd told her months before that as soon as they started talking about it, I would need to know, because I had no money in savings and wouldn't be able to make it on my own unless I had enough of a heads' up to plan. The deep sense of betrayal was extreme.

I then told her yea, that was fine, and I wanted nothing but her happiness, but I had no money, and it meant I'd be living out of a hotel.

She smiled broadly and hopped up and down and said,"OK" and beamed at her SO.

I then proceeded to have a hysterical breakdown. I just couldn't believe somebody I'd counted on was totally ditching me, alone, without any money, when I'd trusted her. I couldn't believe that after everything else, I was being ditched on the side of the road for an SO, never to be seen again. I felt totally betrayed, and she just beamed and beamed and beamed...

It's funny, because the abandonment-from-someone-you-trust and having no means to take care of yourself (money) are fears I know very, very well. I've been ditched with no money before. I don't think I just realized how deep my fear of being ditched with no money was until now.

It's a nightmare-worthy experience.

Moral of the story: I need to put some goddamn money in savings.

Reason I can now go to sleep now, after sitting awake full of terror for half an hour?

I realize I have well over a grand in 401(K) and stock money. I thought through how much money I could stockpile in two months, now that I've got my raise. Could come in early some mornings, beef up the paychecks. I put together a two-month exit strategy. I felt better.

I'll be fine.

Goddamn. The fears that keep you up at night.

6 comments so far. What are your thoughts?

Anonymous said...

That is a big fear of mine... I have made it a point to curb spending by doing things like bringing my lunch to work the majority of the time (leftovers usually) and renting movies more than going out for movies, that kind of thing. I have a small but growing nest egg. It will be a huge weight off your shoulders, and you will be proud of yourself when you see it happen! 

Posted by Beverly

Anonymous said...

Yea, I think it'll be good for me. I didn't realize how big this weight was until I had the nightmare. I'll sleep better with money in the bank.  

Posted by Kameron Hurley

Anonymous said...

Putting money away in savings is a great idea. Kudos to you for jumping ahead, because there's nothing that feels like security more than a comfortable nest egg.

I'm completely intrigued by your nigtmare, though I'm sorry you had it and it caused you pain. I also wonder if your nightmares will end after you've set up your savings account. You've had a lot of experience with money and abandonment, and it's hard working through those issues and letting them go. So, just one question - besides abandonment, what does your rommates leaving for her SO mean to you? I'm a great believer that dreams present wonderful opportunities to focus on what's troubling our subconscious. 

Posted by Nikki

Anonymous said...

I think the standard security cushion is about 3mo. pay or living expenses. That may take you awhile, and typically many people your age do not have it. Many young established families and couples stuggle for many years to achieve it actually. In your 30's-40's given that economic Insecurity is more and more a factor in everyday American life, it really should be 1-2 years of savings. But hardly anyone is able to do that regularly. It takes a lot of diligence, determination and yes, sacrifice to get there. Try this guy [] for some suggestions, guidence or questions. The Motley Fools do well too []. They mostly write for a lay audience of non economists.

And You might talk to Jenn too about your fears, right? Draw up a contract if you think it might be an issue. I know your first legal assignment, and you've not taken the LSAT's yet. You want examples of contracts, right? Here's some: [] and these guys are very consumer friendly:HALT.ORG: []

Good luck, & other than the destruction and possible injury of your children this is the number 1 & 2 of the greatest hits in the nightmare regions of most sentient adults.  

Posted by VJ

Anonymous said...

I hear you on this. I like my roommate a lot, but she got a boyfriend this year and graduated from college last month and I just know he's going to insist they shack up the second our lease is up, and she'll go do it. Doesn't help either that "it's so cheap!" where he lives. I'm dreading finding another roommate big time. Unfortunately, once your roommate gets a boyfriend, I suspect it's only a matter of time before shacking up occurs. I swear, I'm the only girl out there who won't live with her boyfriend after a year, and when I had a boyfriend, it sure made finding roommates difficult.

*sigh* I wish us luck. 

Posted by Jennifer

Anonymous said...

Well, ideally, at some point I'll be making enough money on my own that I won't have to worry about it... In fact, I could probably afford a studio on my own right now without problem. But you know? I really *love* our apartment...

I have, in fact, been assured that we're good to go until summer of `06 when we part ways, but that doesn't seem to stop me from worrying about it, it appears. 

Posted by Kameron Hurley