Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Tipping Point

Well, had my expected little freakout at the Denver airport today. Made a beeline for Taco Bell, though I wasn't hungry, and ran into an obsessive desire to then eat a chocolate croissant and ice cream. About the time I got the ice cream, I was sick, and threw most of it away, but it was good little mini-binge the likes of which I haven't run into in a long time.

I've been reasonably good the last couple weeks; not eating great, but definately not binging. My workouts are sporadic, but they're getting done, and now.. and now...

I'm incredibly stressed out, I have too much going on, and I'm really fucking exhausted. I have no idea how the hell or if the hell I'm supposed to be doing whatever the hell I do at work, and I'm flying to New York again tomorrow morning, and all I want to do is be home and write books.

The reason I don't like the idea (for myself) of using drugs like, say, appetite suppressants or anti-depressants is that I think that when my body freaks out like this, it's trying to tell me something, and that something is usually, "You're unhappy. You're doing too much. You're losing sight of what you want. Slow down. Back off. Rethink."

A bunch of stuff has been going on all at once, and I haven't had the downtime to mull it all over and figure out what to do with it. I have such a huge, long list of shit (need to study for the LSATs, make my June test date appointment, gotta gotta gotta drop those two sizes [meaning continuing to eat right and exercising way more than all this traveling allows] if for no other reason than that there are far better clothes available in a 12 and I need to clean up my look, need to ask for a raise and/or dump this shit job [they'll squeeze until you say STOP], need to finish my fucking latest novel, need to get three more short stories in the mail [which will require, you know, *finishing* them first,] and etc. and more bullshit, and other bullshit and more...).

And it's a lot. I'm going to try and see if I can get away with only spending half of next week in NY, or a day in NY or whatever, as I've got a computer training class in downtown NY for Mar 7-9, and shit, I need some time at home. I need a life. This is getting fucking ridiculous.

And I know it. My body knows it. It's getting really pissed off at me.

4 comments so far. What are your thoughts?

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you're willing to listen to yourself enough to notice what's going on. It's really hard to do, sometimes, and then sometimes it can be too late. (And it seems most people don't know how or just supress making life changes with drugs). I'm just sort of learning how right now and it's an ongoing process.  

Posted by Erin

Anonymous said...

Eek! Don't go to law school! At least not without a really clear idea of what you want to do and a really clear idea of how much money you'll have to make to pay the loans back.

But also, don't knock antidepressants. There are so many myths out there about them, that they dull you, that they make you flat, that they make you lose contact with your emotions, and it's just not true. What they do is quiet the extraneous noise and let you focus on your *actual* feelings rather than the depression and its concomitant rage/anxiety/anomie.

Where are you going to be in New York? For restaurants, you might want to check out for funky ethnic eats. 

Posted by zuzu

Anonymous said...

Your mini-binge story rings far too many bells for me. Ech. I feelfor ya. Even though I'm not into the 12-step sorts of programs, I've adapted one of the processes they use into my life, sort of subtly--I've picked a few people that I can call when I'm feeling mini-bingy. Not even to talk about the binge, really, because as you point out, there's something going on behind the feelings of needing to binge. Even if I don't really find solace in talking with them, (but I usually do, because they're good friends), by the time I'm done I've at least given the binge feelings time to pass. Sometimes it doesn't work, but usually it does. 

Posted by jpjeffrey

Anonymous said...

zuzu, everyone's experience is different. Drugs didn't help me, they just allowed myself to shirk my responsibilities to take care of myself and push myself further and further without slowing down or changing my life at all. Also, they did make me feel "flat" and not really depressed and not really happy. Now that I'm off them, I can feel things again, both ways good and bad and am more empowered. Like I said, everyone's experience is different... I wouldn't "knock" knocking drugs, either.  

Posted by Erin