Friday, November 11, 2005

Revenge of the Venom Cock

Here's Touched By Venom(!) a new fantasy novel, teaching us all to Respect the Cock:

Right away, I noticed their erections. Truth, I'd been looking for them, as had Waisi and Kobo's twins, Rutvia and Makvia. All four of us poked each other and tittered. Behind us, Mother yanked on Waisi's and the twin's braids with her strong potter's hands. She even yanked on my own scabby bristle, causing instant tears. We paid heed. Unwise whilte in the presence of so much masculinity to mock the phallus.

Yeli's Dono still pranced beside me like one crazed.

"Lookit the thize of that one!" he bellowed. "That'th a cock, hey-o!" He tugged on his own little thing beneath his dirty loincloth.

A venom cock, they're called. I'd heard the words grunted respectfully among pottery clan man. I'd also heard the words mentioned by women wearing a carefully blank expresssion cultivated to hide opinion. Understand, women do not rever the venom cock as men do. They see it for what it is: an uncontrolable reaction to an impending event, and a slightly foolish reaction at that.


If I ever write some dumb shit like this, please oh please make fun of it at a Con. Read it aloud at panels and parties. And if you don't want the publicity, don't fucking give us all such a bad excerpt!

I recommend this for my next Clarion Peeps read aloud. We're getting bored with In the Shadow of Omen. There are only so many sharp, pointy breasts and info dumps about argriculture that you can take before you just have to find another goofy read aloud.

Have fun! hey-o~!

1 comments so far. Got something to say?

Ledasmom said...

Main problem with "In The Shadow Of Omen" as a read-aloud is that you don't get the full effect of the exclamation-point swarms; when I was reading excerpts to a friend, trying to support my contention that this is the worst SF novel ever published, I took to specifying where the exclamation points were (at the end of nearly every sentence, in part). Wasn't there a woman in that book with "scarlet nipples" or something like that? There's also a recipe for llama sausage, presumably because the author had it in his desk. I never managed to finish it. The book, that is, not the sausage. Whereas even the most stubborn old llama could presumably be made palatable by grinding it with enough spices, the same cannot be said for the book, which would just be papery. Though spicy. 

Posted by Anonymous