Sunday, August 06, 2006

Holy Crap I Have Hips Again

Well, there's no use denying the weight gain now. I can wear 16s again without them falling off me (well, OK, I still have to wear a belt), and when I got out of the hospital, my 12s were loose. I still weigh less than I did this time last year, but I'm headed there.

So, yes: I have hips again.

I have a lot of really complicated feelings about this, because on the one hand: whoa boy am I healthier! I can get up the stairs without losing my breath! My wounds actually heal (OK, except the ones on my feet)! I can brush my teeth without drawing blood! I don't get weird infections! I can wear contact lenses without irritation! I have biceps again!

But at the same time, I do my free weights five days a week, live primarily on chicken and salads, and though this week I crashed due to a lot of emotional stress, I'm usually doing thirty minutes of cardio five days a week.

And... I'm... still... gaining... weight.

I feel like I have no control over what's happening with my body. Which I already feel cause I have to shoot up insulin every day cause my pancreas up and broke on me. Worse, I think I'm going to lose the battle with my doctor over the drugs. Unless I can stop this weight gain by the 19th, he's probably going to recommend I go on Metformin. And worse, I'll probably get another lecture about how I need to "cut back." Cut back what? To where? Should I just stop eating all together? *That* sounds healthy?

But you know what, gaining 20 lbs in two months while living on salad is about as scary as losing 20 lbs in two months while living on cinnamon rolls.

I'm kinda freaked out. I have two last ditch hopes: that increasing my workout times every week for the next three weeks will have some impact on the crazy flesh that is my body, and the hope that my body's screwed up metabolism will somehow right itself and even out over the next three weeks.

To add insult to injury, I believe I'm getting a foot ulcer on my right big toe, and I'm going to have to go in to see a podiatrist this month to get it scraped out and cleaned up.

Diabetes - endless fun for the whole family!

8 comments so far. What are your thoughts?

LavaLady said...

Is there any possibility that you are not eating enough? Maybe you could do a survey of your calorie intake for a week and see what it says. Also, you are exercising a lot - it sounds as though you are gaining muscle mass that you had lost before. Your body is probably worried that it will starve again and doesn't want to let go of anything.

All stuff you have likely considered before.

I liked the story you posted, and the regendered version was great too. 

Posted by lavalady

David Moles said...

K, you really need another appointment with a dietician before you let them put you on drugs.

Anonymous said...

I only know you through your blogs...but as someone who has weight issues, I say to you, "stop obsessing about your weight". The idea is to be healthy no matter what size you are. And yea, I know..its easier said than done.

Kameron Hurley said...

anon - and, you know, I was mostly OK with it until my doctor said something. I was totally prepared for it, and lord knows I've spent so long working at being OK with myself that I was ready to do that.

And then... and then... doctors suck.

La Gringa said...

Will your insurance cover a consult with a nutritionist? It does sound like you are eating so little that your body is in a panic mode, not letting anything go.

Also, dude - you need to eat more than chicken and salad. You need to start incorporating other foods into your diet, which is why you need a nutritionist.

I don't think the doctor is worried about your being FAT, as much as your ability to maintain your sugar levels. I'm sure he's sensing your frustration.

Kameron Hurley said...

Yea, y'know, you'd think it was the whole "not eating enough" thing, but I just went over my daily calorie count, and it came out to 2400 (apparently, a cup of almonds is over 700 calories. Who would have guessed?). When I tried to cut that to 2000 (the dietician wants me on 2000), I went into binge mode, so I'm not sure I can bring it down to 2000.

I tried the whole "work out a lot and not eat enough" thing back when I was boxing. I was taking in 1700 calories, which according to most "weight loss" schools was more than enough. But I'm not a little person, and I'm an active person, and it wasn't enough, and I started exhibiting that crazy starving behavior, where I was overly emotional, irrational, and hacing increasing claustrophic twinges. Once I bumped up the calorie count by 400 or 500, all the sudden, I was normal again.

And yea, I'm eating more than chicken and salad, but you know, some days it sure feels like that's all I'm eating. I've never eaten so many vegetables in my life.

Kameron Hurley said...

Ok, a cup of almonds is 549 calories. Whatever. It's a LOT.

But I am getting really tired of being concerned about it.

Anonymous said...

Your body is gonna work differently and process foods differently now too...what worked for you before will NOT work for you now. You need to learn your new body from scratch. Sucks, but you'll start feeling better once you drop your old ideas of health and nutritional intake and find whats good for you NOW. A good nutritionist could save your life right now.