1/4 piece of a Killer Brownie from Dorothy Lane Market eaten at today's workadoo holiday potluck + 1 spoonful gooey macaroni + dollop of oreo cream puddy pie =
OMFG.
I never fucking eat this stuff any more.
There's this moment of loss and longing, after you eat it, realizing that you're just never going to eat the way you used to, ever again.
Yeah yeah, eating to excess is bad, blah blah blah, but you know what? I liked my holiday indugences. I liked being able to eat a whole bag of potato chips if I felt like it. I liked eating three bagels in an afternoon on occasion. I liked sitting around eating chocolates and watching mindless tv.
I didn't used to do these things all the time, obviously, but if I *wanted* to, the option was there. Sure, I still *could* eat a whole bag of potato chips, but I'll have a headache for an hour, my whole body will slow down to a crawl, and it'll send my sugar into a low/high rollercoaster that'll take me a week to get back under control.
The sense of joy and delight associated with eating really good food to excess just isn't there anymore.
Some other life.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Sugar
Fear & Longing
I started plugging in dates to price tickets for going home for the holidays, and I realized that one of the reasons (besides the price) that I've been putting it off is because I'm really going to miss my boyfriend when I'm gone (insert vomiting noise here, yeah).
It's stupid, lame, and, I suppose, a fleeting feeling. We've been going out less than two months (we were friends for a couple months before that as well). *Everything* looks better at the beginning. Eventually, you get sick of each other, or he stops saying "I miss you" and he dumps you cause it's too serious or you dump him (or her) because the idea of an entire future together is just too terrifyingly permanent, like death.
The thing is, everybody tells you how to fall in love. There are tons of movies and songs and media sobfests and bitchsessions all about how to start up a whirlwind romance. It's hot and fun and you laugh and have a great time.
You start a lot of romances in your lifetime, but nobody ever teaches you how to *stay* in love. Nobody teaches you how to stay together.
It's like a writer who never finishes a book. You've got all these great beginnings. You're great at writing beginnings. But slogging through the middle? Wrapping up the end? You've got no experience with that.
Falling is easy, sticking is hard.
At least in the case of writers, we have lots of more or less successful examples to look at to teach us how. But in real life? How many really loving, successful relationships do you see? Relationships where people stayed together for some reason other than "well, I can't do better" or "we can't afford to break up" or "I guess it would hurt the kids if we split."
And maybe that's the thing - at one time or another, what kept some longterm couples together was just that one thing. Some fatalistic thing, and they pushed through it, and things were better (as Steph once half-jokingly said to me "Me and the Old Man got engaged because we needed more than love to keep us together"). But man, you know, my fear of getting stuck in a relationship that's ALL that - that's based on two people sticking together out of something other than wanting, something less than mutual respect and friendship... that's hard to swallow.
The problem with constantly waiting and worrying over the ending of a relationship is that you lose all the good stuff in-between. You miss the missing; you fail to enjoy the laughter, the amazing sex, the verbal sparring, the pancakes in the morning, because you're always waiting for that moment when you lose it.
Thing is, I guess, I already lost this particular boyfriend once for one miserable week where we both looked and felt like death. We came back to it, because being miserable sucked goats, and we laugh a whole hell of a lot more together than apart, but how long does that last? How long until the next time? Until one of us flips out again or we get bored with each other? Maybe once we're bored with each other, the break won't be as painful, or as hard. We can hope.
Thing is, you know, I'm tired of being afraid of everything and living through something expecting it to end. I'm tired of writing hot beginnings whose tough middles I can't make it through. I want an ending hotter than my beginning, and a middle that's hotter than both. I just don't have a roadmap on how to do that.
People talk a lot about the sort of courage it takes to be a writer, to put yourself out there. It takes a lot of courage to live fully, too, to put your heart out there. It's going to hurt either way. Sometimes it's pretty scary not knowing where you're going. Exhilarating, terrifying, beautiful. An adventure. But fucking scary.
We lose everybody, in the end. If not to a breakup then to death or disaster. The ending always comes, whether or not we're prepared for it. Unlike fiction, there's no putting it off or setting it aside.
I want to find out how this one is going to end, no matter how much it scares the hell out of me. Because I wouldn't trade this beginning for anything, even if it's going nowhere; even if it ends tomorrow.
Good German, Bad German
The Good German, the book: Excellent.
The Good German, the movie: WTF?
If I hadn't read the book, I don't think I'd have any idea what was going on. The characters were entirely unsympathetic. Instead of good people made bad by bad circumstances, they were all (with the exception of Clooney) a bunch of black roaches feeding off a dying city (not gray roaches, but thoroughly black). The plot was mishmash, confusing. It tried to follow the story through all three POVs, starting with the least sympathetic, moving to the most, then back to another unsympathetic character.
Jumping heads was supposed to clarify what is, in fact, a really complex plot. Instead, it needlessly complexified it (yes, I'm declaring that a word).
It was really terrible, and terribly dull, which is a shame.
It's a great book.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
The Writer
I write everything at my job. Everything.
I write up SOPs for software installation, hardware maintenance, corporate store applications. I write "news" stories and announcements for our intranet frontpage. I create PowerPoint presentations from talking-point outlines. I write and edit marketing copy, business proposals, executive resumes. I write and revise panel descriptions, sales rep letters, insurance business proposals and company histories and all of our web content.
I have written talks about tax history, documents about how to use our timekeeping system and how to create service tickets. I've written sales policies, revised the company handbook, formatted and reviewed hotel directions, convention agendas, and loan applications. I've created order forms and trade brochures and email campaigns and edited four hundred pages of operations manual - twice.
I have written everything, and when I didn't know how to write it, I googled it and found formats and examples and ideas. I'm constantly learning about how to write sales pitches, persuasive copy, and business proposals, because you can never be too good at writing those, and you can always be better.
And I've spent the last couple of weeks working on synopses, one-line elevator pitches, pitch paragraphs, pitch packages, pitch copy, because you can never be too good at writing those, either. I have never written this shit before, and it's involved a lot of reading, a lot of searching, a lot of reviewing, a lot of writing and re-writing and starting over and reading.
It's a small miracle, making a living as a writer. What people never understand, though, what everyone sighs over and makes eyes at, is that writing is a job. Like acting or modeling, it seems very glamorous, but I don't think I realized exactly why it seemed so glamorous. I honestly thought all that glamor had to do with lots of money and hot bed partners and expensive toys and trips to Paris.
We've attached all sorts of associations with these sorts of professions, but the glamor of making it as a creative person isn't actually about the work itself, or even the expected perks, I think. Work is work.
The real glamor, the real perk, is the idea of spending your days doing something you love.
Sometimes I think that's what the allure is of any place: this idea that you can live somewhere, with someone, doing something, you love.
It is, perhaps, the greatest gift on earth.
That's the glamor.
Synopses:
Still hate them.
On the upside, I didn't realize I had this many backlogged novel projects.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Sunday, October 28, 2007
PUMPKINS!!!
Fresh, nubile pumpkins await their transformation.
Stephanie holds their fate in her hands.... 
I have all the right tools for the job. 
Just call me the eviserator. 
Mmmmmm. Tasty eviseration.
Around here, we don't need costumes to be scary. 
Gutting nubile corpses is tough work, even for brutal women....
Mmmmmm... tasty pumpkin guts. 
I take sinful delight in my work. Really, who wouldn't?
Stephanie has a surgeon's skill paired with a grave digger's sense of urgency. It's a deadly combination. 
There's more where THIS came from....
I'm TELLING you: STEPHANIE HAS MAD PUMPKIN SKILLZ!!!!
The brutality takes shape....
Yes, EVIL has a face.... 
... and a not-so-steady aim.
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.... Gotta love that new pumpkin smell!!!
The resemblence is STRIKING.
Sometimes I even scare MYSELF. 
And then I see THIS FACE: and I am truly TERRIFIED!!!!
Stephanie's reaction is far less dramatic. I think she's still in shock. 
I, however, have moved quite quickly from awe to shock to horror to pure, unadulterated batshit-crazy lunacy. Pumpkins have that effect on me. 
Later, we teach Tessa to feed off the remains. It builds character. 
Stephanie's pumpkin takes the left watch.
Mine takes the right. 
Our terrifying creations complete their journey from nubile, fresh-faced pumpkins to brutal jack o' lanterns in just one night.
They'll thank us in the morning.
Insured vs. Uninsured
Money I've saved in the last three months while being insured:
Hospital costs saved: $896.94 (two more claims for over $800 are still pending)
Meds costs saved: $611.51
That's $1508.45 saved on medical costs in three months. Just three months.
I wasn't joking when I said these costs-to-keep-breathing - pre-employement - were literally killing me.
And, of course, I HAVE paid costs out of pocket. That's just what insurance paid. Total out of pocket for the last three months is still: $475.46
Which is still 1/4 of what I was paying in medical costs pre-employment.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Note to Self:
Just because cheese curds are carb free does not mean I should eat the entire bag, blissfully satisfying as it may be to munch without fear of sugar overload.
Things I Hate More than Anything
Summarizing my books. Whether that's one-line summaries or full synposes. Hate, hate hate.
And it's something I seriously need to get better at.
That's what I keep telling myself as I slog through.
Friday, October 26, 2007
Quote of the Day
"Honestly, I think the only difference between depression and disappointment is your level of commitment."
- via Stephanie, who heard it on "some show."
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Midnight Madness
One of the ways I control my sugar when it's been out of hand over several days or when I eat something I don't generally eat for dinner is, I set my alarm clock for midnight and do a midnight sugar check.
What this allows me to do is adjust my sugar to keep it from rollercoastering too high overnight. If I was eating something that's got a weird rate of absorption, the numbers usually shoot up between my bedtime test at 9 or 10 and my midnight correction (unless I did a heavy exercise/kickboxing session the night before, in which case it spikes downward). This is why I tend to eat low carb and stick to certain types of foods. When I don't, I start to rollercoaster, and when you rollercoaster, you have to work fucking hard for about three days in a row with midnight testing and watching what you eat just to get back to your happy numbers.
The funny thing is, that even if I'm eating all right, I will, without fail, jump at least forty points between midnight and 5:45 am when I get out of bed. It's just how it is. I tested one midnight at 56, another at 68, and I resisted the urge to overcorrect (I did once, and woke up at 140). If I didn't correct, I'd wake up at 90 or 100 instead of 140.
So, why do a midnight correction if the difference is between 90 and 140? No big deal, right? Well, if I don't do a midnight correction and I have Chipotle for dinner, I could go to bed at 90 and wake up at 200. Big, big difference.
And yes, I learned all this through trial and error, and every diabetic is different. Your mileage may vary.
The last couple of weeks have been a little stressful, and I've been eating crap - going out and eating onion rings and chicken strips, waaaay too many Chipotle burritos (there is a direct correlation between Chipotle burrito consumption and my stress level), and chicken wings and breakfast scramble wraps here at work. Too much weird food, and it triggers a rollercoaster sugar ride, which then affects my mood. Extreme highs and lows wear me out. I feel like dirt. Quite literally, like dirt.
So this week I'm working at recovering from last week's rollercoaster. I realized I'd taken things too far yesterday, when I was so exhausted and bitchy that all I wanted to do was go home and sleep for ten hours because I found the idea of interacting with people - including my roomies and the boyfriend - really exhausting and annoying.
People find it very funny that I take such crazy control of my sugar, that I work so hard at it, but you know - I'm not a fun person to be around when my sugar sucks. I physically feel really, really bad. If I'm too low, I want to claw people's faces off. If I'm too high, I'm tired and bitchy all the time and too exhausted to speak to people, who then thing that it's them who's done something wrong, when in fact, it's all about me.
If rollercoastering goes on too long, some of those bad feelings are going to get out, and I'll start to lash out at the people around me who I love and care about. And after what happened back in Chicago, after knowing just how badly things can go if I'm not running at 100%, I'm committed to taking care of myself to reduce if not eliminate the possibility of me hurting people like that. I hate hurting people. If you can take better care of yourself so that you *and* the people around you benefit, wonderful. To do otherwise isn't just self-destructive: it's selfish.
Sure, if you want to be a hermit in a cave and not have anybody care about you, that's one thing, but if you want to invite people into your life, you must do your best to respect them. You can start by respecting yourself.
And yes, it's fucking hard.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Recommended Reading
I've been spending the vast majority of my time reading about ADD, Islam, and copywriting. Yes, it's an eclectic, informative, but incredibly non-relaxing cornucopia of nonfiction. I seriously need a break.
Any recommendations for fat fantasy that doesn't suck? I may pick up the new Daniel Abraham book, I couldn't stand the Lies of Locke Lamora book and so have no interest in the sequel, and Song of Ice and Fire 4 and Kushiel 4 have both gotten so long-winded that I can't stand the idea of picking them up again even to finish wading through them. I even tried to read Kathryn Harrison's non-genre Envy. I love a couple of her other books, but her self-absorbed characters are starting to annoy me.
Got any recommendations?
Faith, Love & Death
"Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle."
And this:
"Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart."
Yes.
Read the rest.
Monday, October 22, 2007
One of Those Nights
It occurs to me that I don't handle stress as well as I used to. That, or I was just never in a position where I had to balance so many different aspects of my life - and the lives of others - all at once.
It's a challenge. I'm up for it, but it's a challenge.
My sugar has sucked since I started with the new monitor and insulin pens. The pens are fucking great, but for some reason even when I hold the button down for the full ten seconds, there's still at least half a unit of insulin that I never get, so I've had to dose myself one extra unit every time. That, paired with the fact that I've switched to an electronic monitor that records my numbers instead of recording them myself, means I don't view all of my numbers daily. Whoever made the OneTouch software program made it stupid and clunky. It's so useless at displaying the numbers in a way I find helpful that I just avoid loading numbers for weeks at a time. I have only a vague idea of where I've been at, and it hasn't been all that great. OK, Ok, probably it's got me running 130-180, which isn't the end of the world, but it certainly fucking isn't at those lovely 70-120 numbers that I so adored.
I need to get back on that, and I'm kind of pissed that it looks like what I have to do to kick my ass for that is go back to manually recording all of my numbers so I can SEE exactly how my sugar is trending overall. It's too easy to just throw out a bad number when you don't have to look at it three times a day when you enter your other readings into your spreadsheet.
So that's something I need to balance back in. I was really fucking proud of my 5.9 A1C, and I have a feeling I'm going to be closer to 6.5 or something (under 7 is still good for a t1, but 6 and under is the A1C of a non-diabetic) when I see my endo next month if I don't get my shit together. We'll see.
In any case, it's one of those nights.
But at least I'm not eating Tom.
My YouTube Debut
OK, our web developer put it up on YouTube, so it's not my fault.
I won't identify the whole team here, but I'm the last person on the far left. We're missing about three team members here (they're hard at work in the adjoining room), but these are the folks I spend my day with, for the most part.
Yes, every day is like this.
I love my job.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
My Weekend
Was up at 6am on Saturday to prep for the franchise convention. Headed down to the hotel and worked with our tech guys to synch up my asshatted computer with the projector so my PowerPoint presentation displayed correctly. Ran through a mock-up of the presentation with the slide transitions, then attended the general session, presented two 45-min sessions about our new intranet portal and its features, lunched, and presented two more 45-min sessions to another two groups of franchisees.
I had a guy come up to me at lunch and say, "You're one of the most incredibly confident, determined, passionate people your age I've ever met."
How this came across during a 45-minute presentation about our intranet portal, I don't know. I can turn on my funny, confident, outgoing self for short presentations, and I know that a lot of the love for my job, what I do, the free health insurance, my affection for the team I work with, came out during my talk.
"Well," I said. "It's not that complicated. I just know what I want."
"Exactly," he said. "You have no idea how rare that is. Most of us still have no idea."
And me? Man, I've worked hard to get to where I am, and I'm still just renting a room at my friends' place. I certainly have a lot right now, and I'm incredibly blessed and happy to be where I am, but I have a long way to go. And I know exactly where I'd like to be. Maybe that is pretty rare these days.
It was a really good convention, in any case. This company has a fantastic group of great franchisees. They were a lot of fun to talk to. I've done theater, and spoken at writing conventions before, so the actual doing wasn't tough: it was just all the buildup that was stressful. This week has been insane getting this convention put together. I had a blast, but was ready to collapse come 4pm. I didn't bother staying for dinner (our programming was done at 3:15; after that was general sessions led by the exec staff), and went home and put in some napping and movie watching time with the boyfriend.
Besides the convention, I've been putting together the synopsis for the third book in the God's War series, Babylon. It's why I was up until 11pm at the Books & Co. down the street on Friday, and perpetually sleep deprived this week. Convention madness + personal writing deadlines + addiction to boyfriend time = sleep deprivation.
Finished up the synopsis today and got it off to my agent (MY AGENT!!!!!) and started printing out the old synopses for my old series. I have stuff for The Dragon's War and Over Burning Cities that I'll be revising and putting back together again, writing up pitch paragraphs for the rest of the series, et al.
Things at work won't be as stressful this week, and I'm thinking of taking Friday off since I worked Saturday. This will give me some time to get my Ohio driver's license and maybe go to Columbus this weekend and hang out: me, the boyfriend, Steph, and the Old Man. Might be fun.
Yes, I'm busy. It's damn fine busy, but it explains the lack of posting. I'm going to need to find some kind of balance for all of this stuff pretty soon here. I think some weeks will just be easier than other.
Tra-la
Friday, October 19, 2007
There's Nothing More Fun...
... than freaking out about the recovery of a completely fucked corrupted file at eleven o'clock at night when you have to be up at 6am the next day to present four hours worth of breakout sessions at a franchise convention.
Yuuuuummmmmmmmmmmy.
Well, It's Official
I was waiting for her to publicly post it first.... so now it's really true!
For those that didn't read it in the locked LJ post, me and God's War and all the rest are now being represented by Jennifer Jackson of the Donald Maass Literary agency.
I'm uber-super-thrilled about this. She was my first pick from the start (years and years ago when I was trying to sell The Dragon's War), and I'm still sort of stunned.
I couldn't be happier.
And yeah, the amount of work I need to do, writing-wise, just shot up.
But I couldn't be happier about that, either.
My Peeps
But waaaaaaaaaaaait a minute... I tied with the Serenity crew and Deep Space Nine?
Oh well. B5 isn't so bad when the actors pretend to act and the monologuing is kept to a minimum. But really: I'd prefer the Serenity graphic.
 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Which sci-fi crew would you best fit in with? (pics) created with QuizFarm.com | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| You scored as Babylon 5 (Babylon 5) The universe is erupting into war and your government picks the wrong side. How much worse could things get? It doesn’t matter, because no matter what you have your friends and you'll do the right thing. In the end that will be all that matters. Now if only the Psi Cops would leave you alone.
|
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Heavenly Health Insurance
We had a big meeting today at work because our health benefits will change Nov. 1st. I'd known this was coming since I signed with the company, so I was nervous and busy doing math and looking up tiered drugs and in-network providers and going through all the paperwork and thinking, wait a minute, this can't be right...
But when we went into the meeting, we found out that yes, in fact the paperwork was right.
Our new plan requires a $100 individual deductible, and then it pays 100% of in-network costs. 100% of prescriptions. 80% of out-of-network if you really want to stick with another doctor.
No, no: seriously.
100% of prescriptions and no doctor co-pay in-network.
This means, not only do I no longer pay my $15 co-pay that I thought was so fucking sweet, but I no longer pay the $70 per month in diabetic supplies.
I will no longer be paying healthcare costs of any kind except for the $10 per month the company takes out of my paycheck (so long as I stay in network, and yes, my endo is in-network).
Me and one of my work buddies went over the math some more afterwards. He has high drug costs as well, and we both just sort of looked at each other and went, "Holy fuck no shit this can't fucking be true."
It's like fucking socialized medicine.
IT'S LIKE LIVING IN A CIVILIZED COUNTRY...
LIKE CANADA.
Fucking Christmas.
No idea how long this will last (at least through next year), but living in Dayton just got a lot sweeter. I might make less than I did in Chicago, but add in the huge amount I'm saving on drugs and medical costs, and I'm easily making more than I did there.
We gave the HR Director a round of applause.
Sleeeeeeep
Seriously, all I want to do right now is sleep. We've got a franchisee convention coming up this weekend and we are crazy-busy putting together tons of materials and presentations and slides for that, and I've got a ton of novel writing work to get done when work hours end.
So I'm off to Chipotle for a burrito and diet Coke and then it's Books & Co. for another night of banging-head-against-novel.
I should chop somebody's head off next chapter just for kicks.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Seriously, I Need to Get Some Sleep
It's like being 17 again, only with professional success, self-esteem, and no curfew.
But I really need to catch up on my sleep.
And get a lot of fucking writing done.
And... but first:
Sleep.
Quote of the Day
"In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal."
Monday, October 15, 2007
Valuing Girls
Here's a look at an all-girl public elementary school in New York. I'm not a huge fan of sex-segregated schools, but watching what they do here - naming the classrooms after women of achievement, having women speakers who are doctors, lawyers, football players; promoting a girls-are-women-of-achievement atmosphere - makes for a good look at how things could be really different.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
HouseKeeping
I've been spending the weekend trying to put my book projects in order (OK, Saturday was mostly pancakes, barbecue, and the like, but I was thinking real hard about it. Most of the actual working happened today, while I was still hungover from staying up too late out here).
And today I reviewed, once again, all of the projects I'm currently interested in completing and shopping:
Nyx books:
God's War - shopping
Black Desert - drafting
Babylon - synopsis
Ruusu books:
The Dragon's War - shopping
Over Burning Cities - drafting
Book 3 - rough outline
Book 4 - rough outline
Book 5 - rough outline
Stand-alone guerrilla-girl genocide novel:
The Burning Fields - rough outline/researching
Hell, if I could sell the Ruusu books, that's enough projects to keep me busy for the next ten years. And if I don't, well, there are still enough books about guerrilla girls and holy wars to keep me busy for five or six.
I don't consider this a bad thing. Problem is, I really need to keep other shit off my plate until I finish some of these. Right now the priority list is the Nyx books, followed by The Burning Fields. All the Ruusu books are on hold for now. I think I may need to revisit the concept when I'm a little more skilled.
In the meantime, no more projects on the fucking burner until I have Black Desert in the bag and at least half of Babylon done.
Mmmmmm
My bills are paid, my account is empty, and I have a bunch of writing stuff to clean up and put together today.
Tra-la!
Friday, October 12, 2007
Snapshots from my Worklife
We're working with a new software program here, and I'm reading through the technical how-to material that was sent to us by the software creator.
There are typos, certainly, which I find even more annoying now that I do this for a living, but what stopped me in my tracks was this:
"Help - Takes you to frequently asked questions, an instructive knowledge base, and other tools to aid you."
I'm sorry... WHAT THE FUCK IS "an instructive knowledge base"?
Instructive Knowledge Base.
Dear lord.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Chinese Propaganda Posters
(text reads: Kill the bastard Chen Zai-Dao as a sacrifice to the souls of our brave martyrs)
More here.
My New Favorite Word Hangouts
I got tired of going to the ad-ridden dictionary.com and thesaurus.com at work in order to look up words.
Enter:
ninjawords.com (a free dictionary)
freethesaurss.net (obviously)
These are my new best friends.
Conversations from my Personal Life
Was talking over the phone last night with the guy I've been on again/off again dating the last month or so.
"Well, it's not like my head thinks this is a totally rational pursuit either," I said. "I mean, we have nothing in common, and we're both poor and in debt."
"We have LOTS of stuff in common," he said, deadpan, "We're both poor and in debt."
Man, can he make me laugh.
Life is engaging, at the moment. Have a big work convention thing coming up that's going to eat up the weekend of the 20th, and I'm putting together a presentation for that, including loads of documentation. There's a lot of shit to do, but you know, I love my job and I'm having a lot of fun. I've been working out regularly again and working on Black Desert and my roommates are crazy and the dogs are crazy and the guy I'm sometimes dating is crazy and yes, indeed, I am crazy... so yeah, life is damn good. Busy, but damn good.
I'm sure I'll have something more lengthy and profound to say about it all shortly.
Sunday, October 07, 2007
Friday, October 05, 2007
Quote of the Day
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy."
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
Thursday, October 04, 2007
Day By Day
I wrote this last night and deleted it soon after because I got overly self-conscious about it, but apparently my LJ feed picked it up anyway, so everybody getting my feed via LJ read it anway. Jackie thinks it's one of my better posts, so shit, since LJ's already seen it, I'll put it back up:
-------------------------------
'People are often lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.' --Anonymous
"You can't fight diabetes -- you have to befriend it otherwise it will take you."
One of the gifts of nearly dying, of continually living at the edge of dying, has been this incredible realization of just how fleeting and precious life really is, of how easily it slips away.
I know what dying feels like: you go to sleep. It goes dark. Everything stops.
Everything just stops.
The journey I've been on now, this life I'm living now, this is all borrowed time; it feels stolen, and ever so precious. It means I appreciate the people in my life more. I love more. I take more risks, because I realize that sometimes, we don't have the time for second chances.
I'm even more adament about following my heart, my passion, my bliss. But more than that, I am learning all about the stuff that isn't "me" and "mine."
I spent a lot of time trying to protect myself from everything, trying not to get hurt, because I was so screwed over in my first relationship, because I became a person I didn't like. I ran all around the world and proved I was strong and independent. I thought I had proved that I didn't need anyone or anything. I had a grand merry fucking time, and I still plan on hopping all around the world, but the stuff I was looking for, that hole in my heart, that was always still there. I just got better at pretending that that's how life was supposed to be, walking around with pieces of yourself missing.
I have learned bravery. I've learned to love people only as much as they will let me, and I've learned to pursue what I am passionate about. And I have learned so much compassion. I am learning so much compassion. Because when you have been so scared, so lonely, so full of fear, you understand that craziness in others, that desperate grasping for something stable and solid in a crazy fucking world.
You learn patience.
Because life is big and loud and precious, yes, but it's also really terrifying and really hard.
But trust me - it's all a lot better than death. Better than dying with a hole in your heart.
That's what I want to make of my life now, the person I want to be. I want to let people back in. There is risk, yes, but the potential reward? The full life? Living it out as a whole person?
Totally worth the journey, even if you never get there.
We have only this life. This is what we've got. And it's always shorter than you imagined, there at the end.
"May you live as long as you wish and love as long as you live."
-Robert Heinlein
Not Surprising
Which Female Action Hero Are You? | |
 | You are The Bride. When you get an idea in your head, you simply won't let it go! You constantly search for normalcy, love, and sometimes revenge--and your vicious stubbornness inspires you to fight to the death to get what you want. |
| Find Your Character @ BrainFall.com | |
Free Berkeley Lectures on YouTube
Berkeley's put free full university course lectures online: Chemistry, Bioengineering, an "Introduction to Nonviolence" and more... and they're apparently planning to put up more (also, why do I always misspell Berkeley? There are too many "e"s in this word).
Today's Song, Stuck on Repeat
I've discovered the coolest songs over at Whiskey from a Wire, I swear. iTunes is now also my best friend.
It's not Drive, but it's still a pretty sexy song....
Artist: Lucinda Williams
Song: Righteously
Album: World Without Tears
You don't have to prove
Your manhood to me constantly
I know you're the man can't you see
I love you Righteously
Why you wanna dis me
After the way you been kissin' me
After those pretty things you say
And the love we made today
When you run your hand
All up and run it back down my leg
Get excited and bite my neck
Get me all worked up like that
Think this through
I laid it down for you everytime
Respect me I give you what's mine
You're entirely way too fine
Arms around my waist
You get a taste of how good this can be
Be the man you ought to tenderly
Stand up for me
Flirt with me don't keep hurtin' me
Don't cause me pain
Be my lover don't play no game
Just play me John Coltraine
------
Stuff to Do Today
Finish writing another fucking Rhys chapter.
Chapters from his POV are STILL the hardest.
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
The Disney Princesses Talk About Chlamydia
Because really, who else is going to link to shit like this?
Onslaught
Whoever came up with this Dove campaign? Fucking brilliant.
Here's their latest: Onslaught.
My Life So Far
Meme stolen from Gigi.
20 Years Ago, I...
...was about seven years old and had a first grade teacher who didn’t believe in giving us pencils with erasers. He made us circle all of our mistakes. It made every single one of those mistakes stand out: a hideous failure. I also had a passionate desire for a pony.
15 Years Ago, I...
...wrote my first book, which was more of an epic novella about an evil queen who was thwarted by a jester and a scullery maid. I was mooning over a blond boy. I decided I wanted to be a writer.
10 Years Ago, I...
...was living in Bellingham, WA with my high school boyfriend. He asked me to marry him. Twice. I was torn up over the whole thing, too terrified to end it, but feeling that terrible feeling you get when someone asks for the rest of your life and you know that saying yes would be the worst mistake of your life.
5 Years Ago, I...
...started graduate school at the University of Natal in Durban, South Africa. Learned a hard lesson about love. Lived with a lot of cockroaches. Drank a lot of red wine.
2 Years Ago, I...
...started dating again for the first time since high school. It ended badly and spectacularly, but it meant I spent some time every month for a year in New York City. It was enough time to know I never want to live there.
1 Year Ago, I...
...was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes, dated and broke up with and lost my best friend, and was laid off from my first real job, plunging me into what I considered, at the time, to be a staggering amount of debt.
So far this year, I've...
...moved to Ohio, got dumped by my distance boyfriend, been to Spain and Switzerland, gotten something very close to my ideal job. Every day is a fucking adventure.
Yesterday, I...
...biked to The Greene to buy new pants and discovered that – for the first time since getting sick last year – I’ve actually dropped a clothing size, and I’m back at a comfortable weight for me. I no longer feel like something is broken.
Today, I...
...am spending time at the day job reviewing documents, working on my next novel, and continuing the process of working to overcome my insecurities. It’s going to be worth it.
Tomorrow, I'll...
...go kick some ass at my martial arts school, cause my podiatrist has cleared me for kickboxing again. Man, I’m going to be fucking scary at 30.
Can’t wait.
In Which the Protagonist Gets Her Head On Straight
OK, feeling better. Sometimes you have to get your head out of your ass, remove your own insecurities from the situation, and get your shit together.
Tra-la.
Monday, October 01, 2007
At Least My Aim's Improving...
Went shooting with a friend on Saturday:
He doesn't make fun of my aim anymore.
