Monday, January 17, 2005

You Know, I Think I Could Do This

And this was the moment when I realized it, musing through the LSAT center, law school websites, looking at requirements, cut-off dates:

The LSAT test day is over four hours long. Keep your pencil moving to help yourself stay focused. If there is anything the LSAT measures, it is raw determination and endurance.

And I thought... You know, I could do this. Hell, I mean, what else am I doing? I mean, besides the boxing, the work travel, the book writing... er, I mean, really, what else am I doing?

Spend 6 months studying for the LSATs? Take it once in June and again in October, if I totally crap it. It's not like it'll be the end of the world if I suck. Then I'll at least know, and I can do something else. Falling flat on my face doesn't bother me.

Took the morning to come up with a list of law schools in the northeast and a couple in Seattle. And the whole world just narrowed, and everything just lined up and came into focus.

This is why I took two years off from school. To find that moment.

I mean, I don't expect to get into Columbia or anything, but why the fuck not apply to 12 or 15 schools: if they all tell me to go to hell, so what? I have a bunch of other shit I've been wanting to do. No sweat off my back (prepare for: "and they all told me to go to hell - anybody want to go to Peru?" - I'm a realist).

I can rock out the personal essay and why I want to do it, the "South Africa" thing always peaks people's interest, and being another 40K in debt doesn't bother me. It's just money. You can't take it with you.

Fuck it. I've been chewing on it too long. I took a year and a half off to figure out what I wanted. It finally clicked. I can quit at any point in the process, and it gives me something to work toward. My brain is dying. I've been going crazy being out of school for so long. I need a challenge. This feels right. If I bomb the LSATs, at least I'll have given myself the challenge of studying for the LSATs.

It occurs to me that last night I had a conversation with Jenn that went something like this:

Me: "You know, I've been running really fast for the last seven years. I want some down time. I need to take some time to appreciate what I've got."

Jenn: "That makes sense. That sounds like a really good idea."

Me: "You realize that that's just my stance on it now, for this moment?"

Jenn: "Yea. We're the sorts of people who pile a lot on our plates."

That attitude lasted exactly one night.

I'm fucking hilarious.

6 comments so far. What are your thoughts?

Anonymous said...

Absolutely best of luck studying for those. It's hard to imagine someone as intelligent and driven as you really crapping out on anything which measures intelligence and drive, so here's to the much more likely possibillity of your sifting through 10-12 acceptance letters for the best fit, when the time comes. 

Posted by Brendan

Anonymous said...

Yea. For me, it's about taking it one step at a time. One goal at a time: study for LSATS. That's it. That's all. For five months, I'm studying for the LSATS. If I portion it out in chunks, it doesn't feel overwhelming.

After LSAT results, I'll think about the next step. Referral letters. Then the next: essay. Then the next: submission packets.

Just very quiet. I'm giving myself time. Otherwise it'll look too big for me.  

Posted by Kameron Hurley

Anonymous said...

Go for it! Those broad-hipped women in your lineage would have loved to have been anywhere near thinking about taking the LSAT, let alone Alaska, Africa, Chicago, Denver, kick-boxing, writing what you really think etc.,etc The writing what you really think is high on my list.

You go girl!!
Grandma Jeanne 

Posted by Grandma Jeanne

Anonymous said...

Thanks, Grandma Jeanne.  

Posted by Kameron Hurley

Anonymous said...

That's one swell grandma there! I hope grandpa (if he's still with us) is properly appreciative. As I said, this is something that can be done before you'd work out a committee for a Ph.D. I say you'll probably be pleasantly surprised by the outcome. But do see other women lawyer blogs like Stone Court etc. for any advice you might be able to pick up.

Then I want you to walk around Chicago and look for some really older women. Not too many skinny chicks of a certain age, right? All sort of square shapes (OK the winter overcoats don't help any), just lots of short squat grannies. They just last longer somehow. That's part of evolution too, right? ;> 

Posted by VJ

Anonymous said...

Yea, the women in my family rock. I'm the first to say it.

Thanks for the tips. 

Posted by Kameron Hurley