Sweet

They've got a Carnivale store.

Terribly sexy. I'm nearly halfway through the second season. It's totally rocking the house.

Good Morning, Chiklits

Good morning to all you 12 readers who've managed to keep with me through the last few months.

Some days, I'm amazed I'm still here.

I enjoyed a good, long weekend with B, managed to snatch an hour or two with Jenn for coffee before she headed out again. I continue to work on various projects - and if not progressing chapter by chapter - they're percolating well and being notated, which is a big step in the right direction. I also seem to be very able to start things (I've got a couple great NEW short story beginnings staring at me), but have my usual trouble coming up with actual plots. Still need to work on that.

Slow day at work today, so good writing will be done, things accomplished, and all that jazz.

That's the plan, anyway.

Boy Writers. So Cute.

“Well, the best way [to improve your female characters] is to have relationships with a lot of different women. What's the best way to do that? It's to pick up whores.”

- William Vollman

Shit, I knew there was something I was supposed to be doing to be a better writer! I need to pick up more whores!!

(thanks, Julian)

Busy, Busy

Work, life, very busy. Good weekend ahead. Yay.

Good Morning, Chiklits

That's about all I've got left this morning.

Cheers.

Office Shinanigans

We have a new coffee maker in the office. Just got it hooked up.

You should see the stir it's making. Oh, what dull workday lives we have!

The cappucino is apparently pretty good... I better go make sure.

Workaday, workadoo.

Sometimes, When You're Feeling Down, You Just Need to Listen to Yourself.

Was moving through the archives, and found this little piece about what I learned in 2004.

You know, sometimes, I just need to listen to my own advice:

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004:

Here's this year's: there are often long stretches of downtime on the road to where you're going. You know, those long stretches of highway between New York and LA, or the shitty stretches of nowheresville between Seattle and Chicago - but those distances, those driving times, are neccessary to get to where you need to go.

2004 has been a shitty stretch of midwestern highway, with road stops along the way like Toledo's Tallest Tree & Billy Bob's Lint Museum, intercut by signposts that say stuff like "Civilization: 2000 miles," and the car has mostly run pretty good, but it overheated once (luckily, I keep a couple gallons of water in the back), and got a couple of flats (ever since my roadtrip to Skagway, I keep two spares in the trunk), and there was the odd problem with something hanging off the engine that was resolved by tying a couple of choice parts back together with a shoelace before I got to stop off at the shop and get it fixed proper, and I didn't stop for any hitchhikers along the way, but I felt bad about it. I'm now consulting a really confusing map somewhere in the Salt Flats of Utah on my way to the ocean, and yea, I'm stronger and more confident, and I'm getting better rejection slips, but I can't see the ocean yet, likely because I'm just not ready to see it yet. Likely because I need to pick up a few hitchhikers and learn how to play the harmonica and trade in the car for a motorcycle, but I switched from fast-food to granola bars sometime back, and I've got better shoes and a good pair of sunglasses, and there's nothing so cool as arriving at the seashore on a sweet-ass motorcycle, wearing a floppy newsboy cap as my striped scarf streams behind me, and maybe that's the whole point.

There's a place I want to be. This is the road I'm taking to get there.

I don't mind that it's a long road. It just means I'll be a more interesting person by the time I get there.

Amen to that.

Thoughts and Wanderings

Now that the gray fog of illness is lifting, and now that I appear to be fighting off the last of my sicknesses, it's time to take stock of this life, and what the hell I'm doing with it.

The June date for taking the LSAT is full, which is actually a good thing, cause I haven't had time to study, and I'm still not sure I'm really gung-ho about the idea of law school - mainly because it'll mean I've got to commit to one place for 3 years and take out a huge amount of money. It means going back to being a *really* poor student. And though I miss the freedom of student life, and learning new things, taking a money hit for three years depresses the hell out of me.

The issue then becomes: well, shit, woman, what do you want to do with your life? Certainly, I'm writing books and short stories, and someday I'd like to make a living doing it, but that day isn't today, and in the mean time, I'd hate to think I was wasting my potential and not making full use of the years I've got. I'm youngish, nearly in great health, and can (mostly) pay my bills. So what's next? What do I want? What's my next challenge?

That's how I keep my mind going, how I keep from feeling like I'm atrophying. I need new places, new challenges.

I have a couple of options, and I've been mulling them all over for some time, to the point where, I think, Jenn and B are sick of hearing them. But I'm going to mull them over again.

Jenn and her SO will be moving in together after next year (likely), and the SO doesn't particularly want me in on this get-together, which is understandable, so if I do stay in Chicago, I'm on my own. This means that in order to live in something other than a studio apartment, I'll need to have a better-paying job by next year. At least 45-55K.

B is also very keen on me moving to NY for a year while he finishes up school - and I think living in NY for a year would be really cool. While I'm flying up there on the off-weekends, I can always extend the trip for job interviews. Living would be tight (money and spacewise), but I could do it for a year, and it would give me a new city to explore, a move to negotiate; a challenge, which is what I'm looking for.

There's also the opportunity with a gaming company one of my writing buddies is currently at. They're hiring, but they're also in Canada, and about an 8-hour plane flight from NYC, where B is. And basically, an 8-hour-flight is a make-or-break for our fledgeling relationship, or, to paraphrase B, "I think that's a great opportunity, and if you really want to do that, I'll totally support you as a friend. But I can't maintain a relationship where we see each other one weekend a month if 16 hours of that weekend are taken up with flying time."

He's right, of course. If I applied for, got, and took that job, I'd effectively end my relationship with B, and I'm not willing to do that. He's still got a year of school, so there's no compromise on that for at least a year.

It all comes down to what makes me feel the most fulfilled, and I don't know what that is right now. Writing books at a beach house on the Oregon Coast would certainly make me feel fulfilled, but I'm not at that point in my life yet. So how do I fill up the years between now and then?

The answer, for me, is about being better. I want to be better. Go back to school for another Master's degree? Or settle for taking French classes at Truman College? Could I "settle" for that? Would I feel like I was progressing? What if instead of academic pursuits, I focused on the physical stuff, really started taking boxing and martial arts seriously? Would I feel that that was a great enough challenge for me? (and oh boy, it would be a big challenge, to focus on actually getting *good* at something physical).

At what point can I step back and say that those social measures of achievements: school degrees et. al. aren't neccessary for me to feel like I'm "accomplishing" something?

Education was and is very important in my family, and it's how we measure success, that and money, of course, but education is considered almost *more* respectable than money. I'm sure I'm carrying around some of that when looking at my life. Am I done with formal school? Can't I just take up painting and collect books and have a nice place and feel as if I'm accomplishing something? At what point can I just say, "This is enough for me"?

I don't know. I don't think I'll ever be able to say it's "enough," but I'd like to be able to say I have enough academic degrees. Because those damn things are fucking expensive. I've got to find something I find fulfilling. I don't want to feel like I'm stagnating, like I'm merely existing.

I've got to find focus: the kind that comes with a "reward" at the end. Problem is, most things don't have a golden key at the end unless you give yourself one.

It's crises time, when nothing feels like it's moving forward, and you just want to kick yourself in the ass cause life just seems too damn comfortable.

Maybe I just need to spend a couple weeks abroad, and get this travel bug out of my system. I feel like I need to move.

Good Morning, Chiklits

At some point, I'll become a good worker and get here on time.

Just not today.

Whatever happened to my work ethic?

Ah, yes, that's right: I became old and cynical.

I Was Going for "Rock Star," but I Think I Got "Squire"

Not sure I'm happy with this haircut. It was supposed to be shortening up my previous Rock Star haircut... but now I look more like a knight's squire. If I was thinner and in better shape, this might be hot. As it is... I dunno.

It also occurred to me today that I could lose 50 lbs without any real trouble, and then I'd be able to fit into trendy clothes and sizes, and yet not quite look like an Auschwitz victim. I still find this idea oddly appealing, which says a lot about my current mental state.

I'm having another one of those days where I wish I was better.

What's Going On Uptown

A big glass container of lotion just toppled from the top of the medicine cabinet and descended through the porcelein sink - yes, through the sink, bashing out a big chunk where the soap is supposed to be.

Oh, I can't wait to tell my landlady about that. I can't wait till Jenn reads this. Look, more money I get to owe to people!

That aside, things on the health front are much, much better. My body seems to have totally gotten used to the IUD, and it's painless and discomfortless at this point. About the time that was clearing up, I got attacked by more yeast (yep - as promised, getting on/off the pill and high stress are great triggers) and started popping acidophilis like candy, which proved a good move - that cleared up quick. I'll be taking it all week as a precautionary.

I've been doing a lot of reading relating to the book I'm working on. I'm concurrently working on getting through Pamela Barmash's Homicide in the Biblical World and Jan Goodwin's absolutely wonderful Price of Honor, which is a great overview of the status of women in Islamic countries. I also picked up a copy of the Koran, which is a lot more woman-friendly than most Islamic fundamentalists would have anybody believe. Like the Bible, it's another one of those "holy" books that people use for their own ends, selectively quoting and interpreting it to back their own beliefs. Bah.

Anyhow, good stuff.

The goal is to get back to MA class this week (ah, yes, my goal *every* week), but it's also the first week I've felt 90% of normal, healthwise, for the last couple of months.

We'll see how things work out.

Connected

For the first time in almost two months, I now have an internet card in my home computer, which I lost somewhere in Parsippany.

Bless my roommate for hitting Best Buy and hooking me up.

It feels like I'm a bit more connected to the world again.

Friday Beer Blogging

Beer is great!
It is quite tasty!

Beer is great!
Even when it's late!

Oh yes, oh my!
Beer is so great~!

Oh, Friday, how I love you!!

Stumbling Around on a Friday Mid-morning

Stumbled out of bed at quarter past seven, got my weight/abs routine in, stumbled to the bathroom, spent a bunch of time doing a bunch of dishes and so caught the bus instead of the train to work, which saves me 15 min.

Was here in this office until 8pm last night, so I don't feel bad coming in at 10am, and I'll likely be here until at least 6-7pm tonight, with all these deadlines.

Also, Yellow found out I was being shanghied by other projects, and send out a really nasty e-mail to one of our projects teams about co-opting me.

Oh, it's so lovely to be popular.

Now they need to pay me appropriately.

Workaday, Workadoo

Stuck at work all night!

Boy, do I love deadlines with big wireless carriers!

Wheeeeeee eee ee hee hehe ehehheeh eeeeeeeeee!

NYC

Starting next month, I'll be flying into NYC every other month to visit B, so I thought this quiz was appropriate:

You scored as Inwood. Inwood is located on the northern tip of Manhattan. Inwood extends from 200th St (Dyckman St) to 220th Street. It is banked on all three sides by huge wild parks. Thanks for taking my test! -Susan Inwood 100% Alphabet City 89% China Town 78% El Barrio 50% Stuyvesant Town 50% Chelsea 50% Kips Bay 50% Upper West Side/ Morningside Heights 50% Financial District/Battery Park 44% Hell’s Kitchen/ Theatre District 44% Harlem 33% SoHo/ TriBeCa 22% Washington Heights 17% Upper East Side 0% Which neighborhood in Manhattan is best for you? created with QuizFarm.com

Good Morning, Chiklits

Another day, another dollar, another week of emotional and physical angst.

Yay!

Somebody get me some goddamn coffee.

Update.... Uterus!!

For those uninterested in their uteruses, or those of their spouses, significiant others, sisters, and other loved ones, you can totally skip this. It's about uteruses, afterall. I mean, sure, they're attached to women, but... oh, that's not important!

Anyway, IUD update for anybody interested or considering doing the same thing: still getting some twinges of pain when I sit up for long periods (like, say, at work), so my midday walk and getting up and walking around the office are great for helping me feel better. And, again, it's not any kind of pain that's not manageable with Tylenol, so all is well. I wore some looser pants, and I'm trying to work out a better way to sit here at work for at least the next couple days, until my body adjusts.

The bleeding/iodine discharge has pretty much abated, and I'm just getting a little residual iodine smearing, nothing that noticable.

I expect I'll still be popping Tylenol, especially later in the day, when all the sitting gets to me, and I'll probably still take a Tylenol PM or two at night, but... so far, so good. Things are progressing the way I was told they would, which is always a great feeling.

Tips For Modern Living

If you don't feel like doing the pile of dishes in the sink, but can't stand the idea of waking up in the morning to find that the ants that live under the stove are seething all over your dishes like tiny black maggots, spray a couple spitzes of 409 on your pile of dirty dishes before going to bed.

You will awake refreshed, and untroubled by ant attacks.

Or, of course, you could actually wash your dishes. But who wants to do that?

Jon Stewart, Still My Secret Boyfriend.

Ah, Jon.

Click "view clip" on the right hand side of the page.