I've been spending the vast majority of my time reading about ADD, Islam, and copywriting. Yes, it's an eclectic, informative, but incredibly non-relaxing cornucopia of nonfiction. I seriously need a break.
Any recommendations for fat fantasy that doesn't suck? I may pick up the new Daniel Abraham book, I couldn't stand the Lies of Locke Lamora book and so have no interest in the sequel, and Song of Ice and Fire 4 and Kushiel 4 have both gotten so long-winded that I can't stand the idea of picking them up again even to finish wading through them. I even tried to read Kathryn Harrison's non-genre Envy. I love a couple of her other books, but her self-absorbed characters are starting to annoy me.
Got any recommendations?
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Recommended Reading
Faith, Love & Death
"Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle."
And this:
"Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart."
Yes.
Read the rest.
Monday, October 22, 2007
One of Those Nights
It occurs to me that I don't handle stress as well as I used to. That, or I was just never in a position where I had to balance so many different aspects of my life - and the lives of others - all at once.
It's a challenge. I'm up for it, but it's a challenge.
My sugar has sucked since I started with the new monitor and insulin pens. The pens are fucking great, but for some reason even when I hold the button down for the full ten seconds, there's still at least half a unit of insulin that I never get, so I've had to dose myself one extra unit every time. That, paired with the fact that I've switched to an electronic monitor that records my numbers instead of recording them myself, means I don't view all of my numbers daily. Whoever made the OneTouch software program made it stupid and clunky. It's so useless at displaying the numbers in a way I find helpful that I just avoid loading numbers for weeks at a time. I have only a vague idea of where I've been at, and it hasn't been all that great. OK, Ok, probably it's got me running 130-180, which isn't the end of the world, but it certainly fucking isn't at those lovely 70-120 numbers that I so adored.
I need to get back on that, and I'm kind of pissed that it looks like what I have to do to kick my ass for that is go back to manually recording all of my numbers so I can SEE exactly how my sugar is trending overall. It's too easy to just throw out a bad number when you don't have to look at it three times a day when you enter your other readings into your spreadsheet.
So that's something I need to balance back in. I was really fucking proud of my 5.9 A1C, and I have a feeling I'm going to be closer to 6.5 or something (under 7 is still good for a t1, but 6 and under is the A1C of a non-diabetic) when I see my endo next month if I don't get my shit together. We'll see.
In any case, it's one of those nights.
But at least I'm not eating Tom.
My YouTube Debut
OK, our web developer put it up on YouTube, so it's not my fault.
I won't identify the whole team here, but I'm the last person on the far left. We're missing about three team members here (they're hard at work in the adjoining room), but these are the folks I spend my day with, for the most part.
Yes, every day is like this.
I love my job.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
My Weekend
Was up at 6am on Saturday to prep for the franchise convention. Headed down to the hotel and worked with our tech guys to synch up my asshatted computer with the projector so my PowerPoint presentation displayed correctly. Ran through a mock-up of the presentation with the slide transitions, then attended the general session, presented two 45-min sessions about our new intranet portal and its features, lunched, and presented two more 45-min sessions to another two groups of franchisees.
I had a guy come up to me at lunch and say, "You're one of the most incredibly confident, determined, passionate people your age I've ever met."
How this came across during a 45-minute presentation about our intranet portal, I don't know. I can turn on my funny, confident, outgoing self for short presentations, and I know that a lot of the love for my job, what I do, the free health insurance, my affection for the team I work with, came out during my talk.
"Well," I said. "It's not that complicated. I just know what I want."
"Exactly," he said. "You have no idea how rare that is. Most of us still have no idea."
And me? Man, I've worked hard to get to where I am, and I'm still just renting a room at my friends' place. I certainly have a lot right now, and I'm incredibly blessed and happy to be where I am, but I have a long way to go. And I know exactly where I'd like to be. Maybe that is pretty rare these days.
It was a really good convention, in any case. This company has a fantastic group of great franchisees. They were a lot of fun to talk to. I've done theater, and spoken at writing conventions before, so the actual doing wasn't tough: it was just all the buildup that was stressful. This week has been insane getting this convention put together. I had a blast, but was ready to collapse come 4pm. I didn't bother staying for dinner (our programming was done at 3:15; after that was general sessions led by the exec staff), and went home and put in some napping and movie watching time with the boyfriend.
Besides the convention, I've been putting together the synopsis for the third book in the God's War series, Babylon. It's why I was up until 11pm at the Books & Co. down the street on Friday, and perpetually sleep deprived this week. Convention madness + personal writing deadlines + addiction to boyfriend time = sleep deprivation.
Finished up the synopsis today and got it off to my agent (MY AGENT!!!!!) and started printing out the old synopses for my old series. I have stuff for The Dragon's War and Over Burning Cities that I'll be revising and putting back together again, writing up pitch paragraphs for the rest of the series, et al.
Things at work won't be as stressful this week, and I'm thinking of taking Friday off since I worked Saturday. This will give me some time to get my Ohio driver's license and maybe go to Columbus this weekend and hang out: me, the boyfriend, Steph, and the Old Man. Might be fun.
Yes, I'm busy. It's damn fine busy, but it explains the lack of posting. I'm going to need to find some kind of balance for all of this stuff pretty soon here. I think some weeks will just be easier than other.
Tra-la
Friday, October 19, 2007
There's Nothing More Fun...
... than freaking out about the recovery of a completely fucked corrupted file at eleven o'clock at night when you have to be up at 6am the next day to present four hours worth of breakout sessions at a franchise convention.
Yuuuuummmmmmmmmmmy.
Well, It's Official
I was waiting for her to publicly post it first.... so now it's really true!
For those that didn't read it in the locked LJ post, me and God's War and all the rest are now being represented by Jennifer Jackson of the Donald Maass Literary agency.
I'm uber-super-thrilled about this. She was my first pick from the start (years and years ago when I was trying to sell The Dragon's War), and I'm still sort of stunned.
I couldn't be happier.
And yeah, the amount of work I need to do, writing-wise, just shot up.
But I couldn't be happier about that, either.
My Peeps
But waaaaaaaaaaaait a minute... I tied with the Serenity crew and Deep Space Nine?
Oh well. B5 isn't so bad when the actors pretend to act and the monologuing is kept to a minimum. But really: I'd prefer the Serenity graphic.
 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Which sci-fi crew would you best fit in with? (pics) created with QuizFarm.com | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| You scored as Babylon 5 (Babylon 5) The universe is erupting into war and your government picks the wrong side. How much worse could things get? It doesn’t matter, because no matter what you have your friends and you'll do the right thing. In the end that will be all that matters. Now if only the Psi Cops would leave you alone.
|
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Heavenly Health Insurance
We had a big meeting today at work because our health benefits will change Nov. 1st. I'd known this was coming since I signed with the company, so I was nervous and busy doing math and looking up tiered drugs and in-network providers and going through all the paperwork and thinking, wait a minute, this can't be right...
But when we went into the meeting, we found out that yes, in fact the paperwork was right.
Our new plan requires a $100 individual deductible, and then it pays 100% of in-network costs. 100% of prescriptions. 80% of out-of-network if you really want to stick with another doctor.
No, no: seriously.
100% of prescriptions and no doctor co-pay in-network.
This means, not only do I no longer pay my $15 co-pay that I thought was so fucking sweet, but I no longer pay the $70 per month in diabetic supplies.
I will no longer be paying healthcare costs of any kind except for the $10 per month the company takes out of my paycheck (so long as I stay in network, and yes, my endo is in-network).
Me and one of my work buddies went over the math some more afterwards. He has high drug costs as well, and we both just sort of looked at each other and went, "Holy fuck no shit this can't fucking be true."
It's like fucking socialized medicine.
IT'S LIKE LIVING IN A CIVILIZED COUNTRY...
LIKE CANADA.
Fucking Christmas.
No idea how long this will last (at least through next year), but living in Dayton just got a lot sweeter. I might make less than I did in Chicago, but add in the huge amount I'm saving on drugs and medical costs, and I'm easily making more than I did there.
We gave the HR Director a round of applause.
Sleeeeeeep
Seriously, all I want to do right now is sleep. We've got a franchisee convention coming up this weekend and we are crazy-busy putting together tons of materials and presentations and slides for that, and I've got a ton of novel writing work to get done when work hours end.
So I'm off to Chipotle for a burrito and diet Coke and then it's Books & Co. for another night of banging-head-against-novel.
I should chop somebody's head off next chapter just for kicks.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Seriously, I Need to Get Some Sleep
It's like being 17 again, only with professional success, self-esteem, and no curfew.
But I really need to catch up on my sleep.
And get a lot of fucking writing done.
And... but first:
Sleep.
Quote of the Day
"In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal."
Monday, October 15, 2007
Valuing Girls
Here's a look at an all-girl public elementary school in New York. I'm not a huge fan of sex-segregated schools, but watching what they do here - naming the classrooms after women of achievement, having women speakers who are doctors, lawyers, football players; promoting a girls-are-women-of-achievement atmosphere - makes for a good look at how things could be really different.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
HouseKeeping
I've been spending the weekend trying to put my book projects in order (OK, Saturday was mostly pancakes, barbecue, and the like, but I was thinking real hard about it. Most of the actual working happened today, while I was still hungover from staying up too late out here).
And today I reviewed, once again, all of the projects I'm currently interested in completing and shopping:
Nyx books:
God's War - shopping
Black Desert - drafting
Babylon - synopsis
Ruusu books:
The Dragon's War - shopping
Over Burning Cities - drafting
Book 3 - rough outline
Book 4 - rough outline
Book 5 - rough outline
Stand-alone guerrilla-girl genocide novel:
The Burning Fields - rough outline/researching
Hell, if I could sell the Ruusu books, that's enough projects to keep me busy for the next ten years. And if I don't, well, there are still enough books about guerrilla girls and holy wars to keep me busy for five or six.
I don't consider this a bad thing. Problem is, I really need to keep other shit off my plate until I finish some of these. Right now the priority list is the Nyx books, followed by The Burning Fields. All the Ruusu books are on hold for now. I think I may need to revisit the concept when I'm a little more skilled.
In the meantime, no more projects on the fucking burner until I have Black Desert in the bag and at least half of Babylon done.
Mmmmmm
My bills are paid, my account is empty, and I have a bunch of writing stuff to clean up and put together today.
Tra-la!
Friday, October 12, 2007
Snapshots from my Worklife
We're working with a new software program here, and I'm reading through the technical how-to material that was sent to us by the software creator.
There are typos, certainly, which I find even more annoying now that I do this for a living, but what stopped me in my tracks was this:
"Help - Takes you to frequently asked questions, an instructive knowledge base, and other tools to aid you."
I'm sorry... WHAT THE FUCK IS "an instructive knowledge base"?
Instructive Knowledge Base.
Dear lord.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Chinese Propaganda Posters
(text reads: Kill the bastard Chen Zai-Dao as a sacrifice to the souls of our brave martyrs)
More here.
My New Favorite Word Hangouts
I got tired of going to the ad-ridden dictionary.com and thesaurus.com at work in order to look up words.
Enter:
ninjawords.com (a free dictionary)
freethesaurss.net (obviously)
These are my new best friends.
Conversations from my Personal Life
Was talking over the phone last night with the guy I've been on again/off again dating the last month or so.
"Well, it's not like my head thinks this is a totally rational pursuit either," I said. "I mean, we have nothing in common, and we're both poor and in debt."
"We have LOTS of stuff in common," he said, deadpan, "We're both poor and in debt."
Man, can he make me laugh.
Life is engaging, at the moment. Have a big work convention thing coming up that's going to eat up the weekend of the 20th, and I'm putting together a presentation for that, including loads of documentation. There's a lot of shit to do, but you know, I love my job and I'm having a lot of fun. I've been working out regularly again and working on Black Desert and my roommates are crazy and the dogs are crazy and the guy I'm sometimes dating is crazy and yes, indeed, I am crazy... so yeah, life is damn good. Busy, but damn good.
I'm sure I'll have something more lengthy and profound to say about it all shortly.
Sunday, October 07, 2007
Friday, October 05, 2007
Quote of the Day
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy."
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
Thursday, October 04, 2007
Day By Day
I wrote this last night and deleted it soon after because I got overly self-conscious about it, but apparently my LJ feed picked it up anyway, so everybody getting my feed via LJ read it anway. Jackie thinks it's one of my better posts, so shit, since LJ's already seen it, I'll put it back up:
-------------------------------
'People are often lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.' --Anonymous
"You can't fight diabetes -- you have to befriend it otherwise it will take you."
One of the gifts of nearly dying, of continually living at the edge of dying, has been this incredible realization of just how fleeting and precious life really is, of how easily it slips away.
I know what dying feels like: you go to sleep. It goes dark. Everything stops.
Everything just stops.
The journey I've been on now, this life I'm living now, this is all borrowed time; it feels stolen, and ever so precious. It means I appreciate the people in my life more. I love more. I take more risks, because I realize that sometimes, we don't have the time for second chances.
I'm even more adament about following my heart, my passion, my bliss. But more than that, I am learning all about the stuff that isn't "me" and "mine."
I spent a lot of time trying to protect myself from everything, trying not to get hurt, because I was so screwed over in my first relationship, because I became a person I didn't like. I ran all around the world and proved I was strong and independent. I thought I had proved that I didn't need anyone or anything. I had a grand merry fucking time, and I still plan on hopping all around the world, but the stuff I was looking for, that hole in my heart, that was always still there. I just got better at pretending that that's how life was supposed to be, walking around with pieces of yourself missing.
I have learned bravery. I've learned to love people only as much as they will let me, and I've learned to pursue what I am passionate about. And I have learned so much compassion. I am learning so much compassion. Because when you have been so scared, so lonely, so full of fear, you understand that craziness in others, that desperate grasping for something stable and solid in a crazy fucking world.
You learn patience.
Because life is big and loud and precious, yes, but it's also really terrifying and really hard.
But trust me - it's all a lot better than death. Better than dying with a hole in your heart.
That's what I want to make of my life now, the person I want to be. I want to let people back in. There is risk, yes, but the potential reward? The full life? Living it out as a whole person?
Totally worth the journey, even if you never get there.
We have only this life. This is what we've got. And it's always shorter than you imagined, there at the end.
"May you live as long as you wish and love as long as you live."
-Robert Heinlein
Not Surprising
Which Female Action Hero Are You? | |
 | You are The Bride. When you get an idea in your head, you simply won't let it go! You constantly search for normalcy, love, and sometimes revenge--and your vicious stubbornness inspires you to fight to the death to get what you want. |
| Find Your Character @ BrainFall.com | |
Free Berkeley Lectures on YouTube
Berkeley's put free full university course lectures online: Chemistry, Bioengineering, an "Introduction to Nonviolence" and more... and they're apparently planning to put up more (also, why do I always misspell Berkeley? There are too many "e"s in this word).
Today's Song, Stuck on Repeat
I've discovered the coolest songs over at Whiskey from a Wire, I swear. iTunes is now also my best friend.
It's not Drive, but it's still a pretty sexy song....
Artist: Lucinda Williams
Song: Righteously
Album: World Without Tears
You don't have to prove
Your manhood to me constantly
I know you're the man can't you see
I love you Righteously
Why you wanna dis me
After the way you been kissin' me
After those pretty things you say
And the love we made today
When you run your hand
All up and run it back down my leg
Get excited and bite my neck
Get me all worked up like that
Think this through
I laid it down for you everytime
Respect me I give you what's mine
You're entirely way too fine
Arms around my waist
You get a taste of how good this can be
Be the man you ought to tenderly
Stand up for me
Flirt with me don't keep hurtin' me
Don't cause me pain
Be my lover don't play no game
Just play me John Coltraine
------
Stuff to Do Today
Finish writing another fucking Rhys chapter.
Chapters from his POV are STILL the hardest.
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
The Disney Princesses Talk About Chlamydia
Because really, who else is going to link to shit like this?
Onslaught
Whoever came up with this Dove campaign? Fucking brilliant.
Here's their latest: Onslaught.
My Life So Far
Meme stolen from Gigi.
20 Years Ago, I...
...was about seven years old and had a first grade teacher who didn’t believe in giving us pencils with erasers. He made us circle all of our mistakes. It made every single one of those mistakes stand out: a hideous failure. I also had a passionate desire for a pony.
15 Years Ago, I...
...wrote my first book, which was more of an epic novella about an evil queen who was thwarted by a jester and a scullery maid. I was mooning over a blond boy. I decided I wanted to be a writer.
10 Years Ago, I...
...was living in Bellingham, WA with my high school boyfriend. He asked me to marry him. Twice. I was torn up over the whole thing, too terrified to end it, but feeling that terrible feeling you get when someone asks for the rest of your life and you know that saying yes would be the worst mistake of your life.
5 Years Ago, I...
...started graduate school at the University of Natal in Durban, South Africa. Learned a hard lesson about love. Lived with a lot of cockroaches. Drank a lot of red wine.
2 Years Ago, I...
...started dating again for the first time since high school. It ended badly and spectacularly, but it meant I spent some time every month for a year in New York City. It was enough time to know I never want to live there.
1 Year Ago, I...
...was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes, dated and broke up with and lost my best friend, and was laid off from my first real job, plunging me into what I considered, at the time, to be a staggering amount of debt.
So far this year, I've...
...moved to Ohio, got dumped by my distance boyfriend, been to Spain and Switzerland, gotten something very close to my ideal job. Every day is a fucking adventure.
Yesterday, I...
...biked to The Greene to buy new pants and discovered that – for the first time since getting sick last year – I’ve actually dropped a clothing size, and I’m back at a comfortable weight for me. I no longer feel like something is broken.
Today, I...
...am spending time at the day job reviewing documents, working on my next novel, and continuing the process of working to overcome my insecurities. It’s going to be worth it.
Tomorrow, I'll...
...go kick some ass at my martial arts school, cause my podiatrist has cleared me for kickboxing again. Man, I’m going to be fucking scary at 30.
Can’t wait.
In Which the Protagonist Gets Her Head On Straight
OK, feeling better. Sometimes you have to get your head out of your ass, remove your own insecurities from the situation, and get your shit together.
Tra-la.
Monday, October 01, 2007
At Least My Aim's Improving...
Went shooting with a friend on Saturday:
He doesn't make fun of my aim anymore.
The 50 Most Powerful Women in Business 2007
Always makes me happy to see so many successful women in one place.
Reminds me that I don't see that kind of grouping often.
1943 Guide to Hiring Women
Pure entertainment.
Here's an excerpt from the July 1943 issue of Transportation Magazine - some tips for male supervisors looking to hire women.
"Eleven Tips on Getting More Efficiency Out of Women Employees: There's no longer any question whether transit companies should hire women for jobs formerly held by men. The draft and manpower shortage has settled that point. The important things now are to select the most efficient women available and how to use them to the best advantage.
Here are eleven helpful tips on the subject from Western Properties:
1. Pick young married women. They usually have more of a sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters, they're less likely to be flirtatious, they need the work or they wouldn't be doing it, they still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.
2. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Older women who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It's always well to impress upon older women the importance of friendliness and courtesy.
3. General experience indicates that "husky" girls - those who are just a little on the heavy side - are more even tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.
4. Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination - one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit, but reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job.
5. Stress at the outset the importance of time the fact that a minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up.
6. Give the female employee a definite day-long schedule of duties so that they'll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them, but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves.
7. Whenever possible, let the inside employee change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be less nervous and happier with change.
8. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. You have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.
9. Be tactful when issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they can't shrug off harsh words the way men do. Never ridicule a woman - it breaks her spirit and cuts off her efficiency.
10. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl's husband or father may swear vociferously, she'll grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.
11. Get enough size variety in operator's uniforms so that each girl can have a proper fit. This point can't be stressed too much in keeping women happy."
Yummy yummy.
Positive Affirmation of the Day
Half-coherent personal life dialogue this morning:
Me: I hate emotions. They're bad.
Stephanie: They're not bad. You're just not used to them.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Router Running
Router went out on Friday. There's been enough going on that I didn't actually miss it all that much. I don't know which I found more amusing: that we couldn't live more than 2 days without one (Steph and the Old Man picked it up today), or that once I logged back in, nothing of interest appeared to have happened anywhere the entire two days.
Perhaps the world is slowing down.
Friday, September 28, 2007
I Really Should Get Back to Writing...
Really, really.
I need to find some angst to funnel. I know it's there. I've just been too good at distracting myself to deal with it.
I've got to review my writing schedule for the year, too. Black Desert isn't going to get done all by itself, and right now I open it up every day and it just sits there and stares at me. It's like that world is a thousand miles and three lifetimes away.
Maybe I should distract myself with some other writing project.
I feel sort of adrift, writing-wise, these days. Been that way since mid-August, which may not sound like a long time for some of you, but not writing, for me, is really tough. I'm usually a much saner, clear-headed person when the words come.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
The Honesty Divide: Is Brutal Honesty Brave or Hysterical? Check Your Gender
None of these revelations [from men] of personal weakness seem to undercut the esteem in which these male critics are held. Nor has there been expressed an air of disappointment that they failed to live up to some bloodless, bileless ideal of who they are. Because stoicism is expected of men, their personal revelations -- the more embarrassing the better -- register as brave and honest. When women do it, they are merely confirming the worst suspicions about their gender. How, then, is a woman to write honestly of her experiences that do conform to gender expectations? If she is to maintain respect in public realms, must her public evocation of her private life be a lifelong performance? A series of lies, or at least omissions, constructed to leave an impression of unyielding strength and impenetrability?
To sum up: "....it's time we grew up and realized that it is possible to exhibit both intellectual strength and personal weakness simultaneously."
Amen.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
All Quiet on the Western Front
Things here have been all quiet on the western front, mainly because I've been out and about a whole lot. I knew there had been some sort of odd turn when I realized that I hadn't read my LJ list in several days and didn't particularly miss it. I finally understood that what keeps me spending loads of time on the internet is, often, lonliness.
And I've been desperately lonely for a long time.
David and I bowed out of our year-long distance relationship a couple weeks before I went to Switzerland, and even so, we spent a grand time together there as friends. Though the ending of the relationship wasn't my first choice, I respect and understand his decision. I think you can build a mutually fulfilling relationship over distance, but both people have to want to do that, and have to want to work at it, and the passion for doing that was, alas, one-sided.
So it goes. Nobody you can blame for that.
So you get up. You rebuild.
And in this case, what that means is that I've been out a lot doing this bizarre "dating" thing that, apparently, the majority of people do in this country.
"Dating"... ha ha.
When was the last time I actually fucking "dated"? I mean, really?
You know, I'm so bad at "dating." If somebody makes it past three dates, it's either cause I'm serious or... well, OK, really, it's only cause I'm serious. Or bizarrely attracted to them even though I know we're not good for each other.
I'd like to say that it concerns me that I don't "get to know" more people, but you know, I get to know a lot of people everyday - at work, on line, at cons - I figure those are as much casual dating experiences as actual dating, only without the uncomfortable "interview-like" atmosphere of a first date, which I appreciate (there is nothing, NOTHING worse than one of those first-date "interviews"). I think my preference is always to be friends first. Then there's less pressure, and you're already familiar with some of the more standard quirks by the time you end up making out.
Anyhow, lovely as it's been to get around Dayton and actually eat out and see shows, I've come to realize that DATING IS REALLY EXPENSIVE.
Sure, splitting most expenses while traveling to see your SO is also pretty fucking expensive four times a year, but going out three times a week? Pretty fucking expensive. Expensive: all the time.
But!
But.
Hanging with somebody and laughing ridiculously all the time?
Having somebody around who holds your hand?
Engaging in Shakespearean-like insult wars?
But anyway, dating = good but expensive.
Also, dating = less writing time.
But that's OK, because the dating is distracting me from the cold hard fact that my book's on the examining table in two particular places right now, and it's something I have no interest in dwelling on. Or thinking about. Or, in fact, writing about.
So I'm going to eat some Chipotle, read some books, and go be silly somewhere.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Group Conformity
One of my fav social experiments:
Asch conformity experiments
Demonstrating the power of one person speaking up and making a fuss. Groups need the impulsive individuals to keep them honest. This is why I speak up and talk back.
If you don't, it's very possible that no one else will.
If you do speak, it's very likely somebody else will stand up, too.
Sometimes you have to have courage because others don't.
Um
Um, I mean... REALLY??? WTF?
One of the toughest things to find when you're going to an SF/F art show looking for art that features tough female heroines is finding tough female heroines who are actually wearing clothes and looking like physcially tough female heroines. You know, the sorts of heroines whose outfits don't make you burst out laughing.
Sigh.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Friday, September 21, 2007
Thursday, September 20, 2007
September Simmer
The good news about getting a writing job is that 1) it's a writing job! 2) it pays me more than 20K a year!
The bad news is, all that extra moolah needs to start getting funneled back into stuff that I couldn't afford to do back in March.
This month I'll go back to paying two regular student loan payments that I deferred back when I was unemployed, and starting October 1st, I'll be paying a "token" rent payment of $250 to my far more fiscally responsible roommates (this basically just covers my share of expenses and maybe some book money for them).
To be honest, being able to pay *all* of my bills *and* make a token rent payment again pleases me to no end. There's nothing I hate more than feeling like I'm not pulling my share. I want to be the strong, fiscally responsible one - letting other people take care of me when I'm down is one of the most frustrating, aggravating things about being sick and unemployed. Yeah, yeah, I realize people are supposed to take care of each other when they're down, and there's the karma thing, and when I'm successful, I'll take care of others, but it doesn't make accepting kindness any fucking easier.
I'm glad to be in the place I am right now, but fuck did I have to burn through a lot of scary shit to get here.
Have I mentioned how much the last year has SUCKED??
But there's a lot of light out here on the other side.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Workaday Morning
First impressions and assumptions (from here):
The family picture is on his desk
Ah, a solid, responsible man
The family picture is on her desk
Um, her family will come before her career
His desk is cluttered
He's obviously a hard worker and a busy man
Her desk is cluttered
She's obviously a disorganised scatterbrain
He is talking with his co-workers
He must be discussing the latest deal
She is talking to her co-workers
She must be gossiping
Read the rest here
The Dresden Files
Why do they cancel good shows?
No, seriously, why? What's the politics of this?
Let's take a show about a perpetually single guy wizard and his ghost-in-the-skull assistant who gets to help out these distressed-but-oh-so-not-weak, usually very kewl, romantically inclined female characters, throw in a tough female police lieutenant who he can work with and have lots of sexual tension with, and then....
Cancel it.
Let's do that, because, you know, too many good characters here, too many roles for Women Who Don't Completely Suck (no, it doesn't bother me that they're often hot on the geeky male lead - that's the genre. If it was a woman wizard [omg the kewlness!] I'd expect the same sort of men [and possibly ladies!] being romantically inclined toward her thing), too much fun and world building.
I mean, for fuck's sake, Buffy got seven seasons.
Granted, OK, I've only see the first disc of shows. But COME ON people.
This is why I don't fucking watch TV, because people keep canceling Firefly, Carnivale, and shows like The Dresden Files.
Fuckers.
The politics of these decisions are just baffling.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Today's Song, Stuck on Repeat
Melissa Ferrick - "Every Three Words"
I can only hear
Every three words
So make 'em count
Cause I'm out here
Barely hanging on
There's no else I'd
Wait around this long for
Take this much no for
Makes me wonder what we're in for
So would you give me some hope
Ya give me a reason
To keep on trying
Come on buy me flowers
Smile me that smile
Cause I just need a little something from you
For the rest of my life
And I'm sure that I've got some kind of
Motive here and when I figure it out
I'll fill you in
But every body knows
That I'm a sucker for a hard sell
Ya look at me dancing
All the way into your slaughter house
Look at me dancing for you
So would you give me some hope
Give me a reason
To keep on trying
Come on buy me flowers
Smile me that smile
Cause I just need a little something
All I need is one crack of light
To see where the entrance is
Come on open the door baby
And let's expose the answers
Yes as to why we have been through
All we've been
So would you give me some hope
Ya give me a reason
To keep on trying
Buy me flowers
Smile me that beautiful smile
Cause I just need a little something from you
For the rest of my life
For the rest of my life
Monday, September 17, 2007
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Quote of the Day
"Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better."
~ Samuel Beckett
The Family: Here, There and Elsewhere
Back in Washington, my nephew decides to borrow my mom's glasses and do a little light reading....
And my little brother, now in his MIB program at Portland State, teaches my nephew how to look stylish.
Here in Ohio, Ian and Steph acquire another four-footed friend for Casa de Dayton - Kimmy Lou.
Getting the girls ready to go out...
Kimmy Lou takes it easy...
The Brave One
Jodie Foster's boyfriend, Naveen Andrews (mmm Naveen Andrews... ah, sorry), gets beaten up and killed. Foster, sick of living in fear, buys a gun. And you know all those people who harass you on the street? The guys who bully and threaten?
Yeah, she goes out and starts picking them off....
And it's called The Brave One.
There are some delicious moments in here, of course, like when the guys on the subway bring out a knife and start threatening her with it, and she calmly pulls out her gun and blows their brains out. It had about the same appeal for me as that chick in The 300 gutting the guy who fucked her and then sold her out.
Problem is, you know, these are delicious movie moments, not ways to solve real problems, and certainly not any way to fill up the hole left in your heart when you lose someone you love, nor any way to assuage the fear you have after being menaced and/or attacked.
I had a lot of trouble with the obviousness of the plotting - Foster's character actively wants to get caught, and does everything in her power to get caught. There are some great things they *tried* to do, like her pseudo-romance/attraction to the guy who's investigating her case, but there were too many neat and tidy coincidences and run-ins and she was just so blatantly obvious in her murders, she wanted to get caught so badly, that even my thinly held suspension of disbelief began to flag.
I thought Foster was a great fit for this role; it reminded me a bit of her role in Silence of the Lambs - the fact that she's such a small, seemingly physically weak woman who's got this incredible sense of inner strength, of power, really works well here. You can see, physically, why she's intimidated, and you can see on her face, inside, there, where all the power is when she blows your fucking head off.
But at the end of the day, the movie avoids dealing with the really tough issues that it brings up. It doesn't deal with how you actually do overcome grief, doesn't fully explore that incredible danger we all court when we try and become strong and brutal in order to combat those things we fear (it's ever so easy to become the exact same thing you hate), and it doesn't adequately explore how you go on after losing everything, how you remake yourself, whether or not you can come back from becoming a monster; how you atone.
Mostly, it just sort of ends, and all of those cheesy coincidences and convienent plot clashes were a little too annoying.
But damn, it was satisfying to watch a woman being bullied fight back.
Indeed, if nothing else, this movie was a sort of good example of *why* violence doesn't solve or address anything, it merely opens up more holes (we should have seen more about how the loss of those people she killed tore up holes in others). It's not an adequate solution, and one that only belongs in the movies, but I don't mind getting that satisfying substitute on the screen so I can remind myself why, in fact, it doesn't work that way, and why I have to work so hard to find other solutions to fear, to intimidation.
There are better solutions.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Coffeeeeeee.......
.... but I must admit, functioning on less than four hours of sleep never felt so fucking good.
Should Diabetes Be Considered a Disability?
Interesting discussion......
On the one hand, I'm dependent on something grown in a lab in order to survive, but if insulin grew on trees and you could eat it like food (cause we're all dependent on food), would I be considered able-bodied?
I don't know, cause it takes blood sugar testing too - it takes an external device, external means that can't be grown on tress, in order for me to stay alive.
On the other hand, there are definately some days where the joke about me being one of the "special" people with a "condition" hits a little close to home, like when you have 10 units of insulin left for the last 10 hours of an international plane flight....
Believe me, you start feeling real "special"....
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Switzerland: Full of Cheese
I am back in the country (though stuck in Philadelphia), and finding it strange that I can now, once again, order a coke using fewer than three languages....
Saturday, September 08, 2007
Faith
“Why does anybody tell a story?” Ms. L’Engle once asked, even though she knew the answer.
“It does indeed have something to do with faith,” she said, “faith that the universe has meaning, that our little human lives are not irrelevant, that what we choose or say or do matters, matters cosmically.”
Read the rest here.
Friday, September 07, 2007
Blogging Break
I'll be radio silent for the next couple of weeks. Have some wounds to lick, some traveling to do, some books to write, and all that jazz.
Really, you know: par for the course.
See you in a couple weeks.
Be excellent to each other.
Thursday, September 06, 2007
How I Play the Game of Thrones
Your Score: House Lannister
72% Dominant, 36% Extroverted, 72% Trustworthy
Confident. Dangerous. Unrelentingly sexy. The master of all you survey, you are of House Lannister.
You are a dominant personality—and how! When someone asks “and who are you, the proud lord said, that I should bow so low?” your response is probably, “FUCK YOU! I’m a fucking LANNISTER, that’s who the HELL I am!” And then you’d pimp-slap them with your golden hand. All joking aside, you view leadership as your natural, god-given right; it is a trait, just like your golden curling hair and irresistible sex appeal. It’s who you are—a Lannister.
You are introverted, meaning that you prefer to keep your ambitions and devices to yourself. Unfortunately, your personality is so vivacious that (despite all your intended secrecies) you are still a very obvious person. Though no one knows what avenues you will travel, your destination is clear to all. And of course, yours is a road to greatness! You have a magnetic, polarizing personality: people either love you or hate you. They also probably find you exceedingly intimidating. Their fear is probably well-placed.
Finally, you are trustworthy. Does this surprise you? Remember your unofficial motto: “A Lannister always pays his debts.” Though you enjoy keeping secrets and playing games, everyone knows you are a major player. Underhanded tactics are so expected from you that they don’t particularly count as untrustworthyness—it’s more of a family legacy than a choice. Your promise is as good as the gold that you shit.
Representative characters include: Tyrion Lannister, Jaime Lannister, and Tywin Lannister
Similar Houses: Greyjoy, Stark, and Targaryen
Opposite House: Tyrell
When playing the game of thrones, you play it balls to the wall.
| Link: The Song of Ice and Fire House Test written by Geeky_Stripper on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test |
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
Quote of the Month
"The grand essentials in this life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for." -Addison
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Sunscreen & Letting Go
I was going through a certain common drive that has some songs available and listening to some old stuff. I happened across the old Baz Luhrman "Sunscreen" song that was all the rage 10 years ago. 10 years ago, yeah, man, 1997.
When I was 17.
I thought this song was hugely profound at 17.
I didn't realize it would hit so close at 27 that I would cry.
Yeah, the shit that matters is the shit that hits you at 4pm on a Tuesday. It's never the stuff you predict. Life, yeah. Stop overthinking.
I wonder what I'll think of it at 77.
The Sunscreen "song":
Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’97 -
Wear sunscreen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience…I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you imagine.
Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing everyday that scares you
Sing
Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss
Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.
Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch
Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.
Get plenty of calcium.
Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.
Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children,maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. Enjoy your body,
use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own..
Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.
Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.
Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.
(Brother and sister together we'll make it through. Someday your spirit will take you and guide you there I know you've been hurting, and I know I've been waiting to be there for you. And I'll be there, just tell me now, whenever I can. Everybody's free.)
Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.
Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen…
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Black Desert (Excerpt)
Nyx didn’t touch the letters again until she and Eshe and Suha were back in Faleen, holed up in a little two-room rental with a terrace at the edge of the Chenjan district. The call to evening prayer rolled out over the city and was taken up by half a hundred muezzins out on their mud brick rooftops. The air vibrated with the sound of it; just another warm, close night in the desert. Warmer than the coast,
anyway.
She sat out on a rickety wicker chair on the terrace with a whiskey in one hand and the letters in the other. Her burnous was wrapped snugly around her. Winter warmth was a different sort of warmth than the summer kind that drove rich First Families out into the hills and the poorer sort up onto their rooftops. Winter meant sleeping with your clothes on.
She tugged a letter out of the bunch at random. Rhys’s neat, familiar scrawl curled across the front of the pale beige paper, but she saw no return address. She flicked the page open and found the address there at the bottom, next to his signature. Rhys Dax, he had written, his old nom de guerre.
Nyx didn’t know Tirhan very well, but she knew the city he’d listed: Shirazi. She’d been thinking she’d have to get a boat and deal with all that water, but Shirazi was an inland city. That meant she needed to find some way to get across the border through one of the mountain passes. During winter. She’d heard about snow up in the mountains, and seen some pictures, but never experienced it. Frozen water, all around. It sounded bloody awful.
“Bloody hell,” she muttered, and put the letter back down with the rest on the low stool next to her. She sipped her whiskey. Nothing about this note was easy.
Suha came out onto the terrace with her. “You hear what’s on the radio?” she asked.
Nyx shook her head. A few muezzin calls still sounded at the outer edges of the city, moving out into the desert. Now, though, she could hear a low, tinny murmur that must be the radio on inside.
“They’re opening up Mushtallah tomorrow,” Suha said.
“What’s the final count?"
“Eighty-four thousand dead. Already burned.”
“Any First Families?”
“Huh. Don’t know. I’ll look into it.”
“Do that. I want to know who lost a first born and who didn’t.”
“Sure thing.” Suha leaned up against the railing, looked out over the narrow street below, the flat rooftops. The dark sky had a hazy orange-lavender glow, a perpetual haze created by dead and dying bugs of a hundred thousand kinds and the ruddy light from glow globes and other forms of bug light. There were no gas lamps this far from the interior, just the constant piss and reek of the bugs.
“Quiet,” Suha said.
“Usually is, after the muezzin.”
“Eshe’s asleep. Been throwing up since we got in.”
“I know. He’s got a sensitive stomach. Don’t want to take him in if it’s nothing.”
“Yeah, he’s all right, seems like now. I gave him some soda and he nodded off pretty quick.”
“Yeah. You know I need to look up a guy in Tirhan?”
“The magician? Yeah, I figured. Boat?”
“Overland.”
Suha gave a slow nod. She continued to gaze out over the rooftops, eyes glassy, big mouth set. She worked her jaw for awhile. “I got a sister married to a gunrunner,” Suha said.
“I remember,” Nyx said.
Suha sighed. “They do a lot of work during the spring and summer running shit up through the mountains and into Tirhan, but I don’t know what they’re running this time of year. I’ll look into it. She can probably get us overland. Don’t know how long, though.”
“I’ve heard it’s a six or eight day trip.”
“I mean, how long til she can set us up.”
“Yeah, well, that part we can butter up. Tell her there’s a shitload of money in it if she wants to play guide.”
Suha clasped her hands. They were big hands, too, like her mouth, dark and bruised as wine-stained leather. “You want to take Eshe with us?
“Where else is he going to go?”
“Dangerous crossing for a boy.”
“He can shift it.”
“Long way to go and stay in that form.”
Nyx took another long pull of her whiskey. Steady burn, steady hand. “I’m not stupid, Suha.”
“Just wanted to say it out loud.”
“You think he’d stay behind if I asked?”
“No.”
“Then don’t nag at me.”
Nyx let the whiskey burn into her belly. She lifted her head and gazed out over the street again. A group of women passed below, talking in loud, drunk voices. They wore bloody burnouses and had the confident swagger of tax clerks or university students. These were smart, rich girls who would never know death or disfigurement at the front. If they had brothers, they had never met them, or they took the Book at its word and didn’t care so much for it.
Nyx let herself wish for a body like that, a future like that. Why not? She needed another drink.
As the girls passed by the dark recess of an arched doorway mounted with metal studs, Nyx saw a shadow there at the mouth of the doorway, something more substantial than gaping blackness. The door was already cast half in shadow, lingering at the edge of the halo of light cast across the street from the big bug lamps at the front of Nyx’s hotel.
Nyx turned her head away from the door, but kept watch out of the corner of her eye. The shadow moved again; a figure pulled in the edge of a dark burnous that had a sheen of the organic about it – far too new and expensive for this part of town. A bel dame might know better than to dress that way in this quarter, but she’d risk it if it meant wearing an organic burnous that could effectively shield her.
Nyx finished the whiskey and set the empty glass on the stool.
“We have spiders,” Nyx said.
“I saw her,” Suha said. “The door? I wasn’t sure.”
“Yeah, that’s the one.”
“I have us set up with a back exit.”
“If they wanted us, they would have moved already.” Why hadn’t they moved, then? It was a busy street this time of night, sure, but her place didn’t have great security; no filters and one lonely house guard who spent most of her time snickering in the kitchen with the cooks.
“We’ll need to get out discreet in the morning,” Nyx said. “They may be hanging out to see where we’re going.” Or, to see how much we know, she amended. But know from who? Alharazad? What did Alharazad have to tell them? Did they want the reel back?
“You think they’ll follow us into Tirhan?”
“I’m not looking to find out. Don’t talk destination with any of the Faleen magicians. You run into them, you tell them we’re headed back to Mushtallah now that it’s opening up.” Nyx picked up her glass again, remembered it was empty, and set it back down. “That includes Yah Reza.”
Yah Reza, perhaps, most of all.
Overthinking
One of the most annoying things about being a writer is the whole constant introspection thing. Blogs are largely selfish enterprises, and I, for one, write a lot of personal posts here because setting it down into some kind of narrative makes it all make sense for me.
But at some point, I think, you start to overthink things. You start overthinking your life and either second-guessing yourself, or basing decisions on what you think is perfect logic, only to discover that people aren’t ruled exclusively by logic, let alone perfect logic (you least of all). Just because a Shakespearean tragedy is easy to predict doesn’t mean life works that way, too.
The older I get, the more I realize I don’t have a fucking clue. I keep thinking I’m learning from all of my experiences, but the more you have, the more you realize that not every experience prepares you for the next one. You can’t apply all of your learning about one person/friendship/relationship to every person/friendship/relationship you have that shares one or two or ten of the same things the last one did, and no matter how much you work to align the stars and test for all the right traits and work toward understanding, at the end of the day, even the earth’s orbit wobbles, and our galaxy is continually spinning closer to oblivion. Nothing is constant. Nothing is absolute.
Nothing is terribly rational, either, and no matter how hard I try and work life into a narrative, I’m starting to think that narratives only work in fiction.
Which probably explains why I love writing fiction.
Monday, August 27, 2007
It's All What You Choose to Do With It....
"All we have to decide is what to do with the time given."
and
"Life is what you do with the things done to you."
Sitting around bitching about it never got anybody anywhere, and certainly never sent me on any interesting adventures.
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