What I'm Doing Today at the Wacky Office

Using Streets & Trips to map out where our NJ office is in relation to Manhatten. Waiting around for Blaine to let me know if they'll need me to go to a meeting in Indianapolis at the end of this week. Waiting on making my plane ticket reservations for New York until Mosh decides if he wants me there for one week or three (I'll settle at a week and a half - three's too much).

Rereading e-mails and blogs. Staring at book 2. Thinking I really should finish that painter story.

Wondering how it is I get paid for this.

I'm going to go play Antz.

I'm Thinking I Need Another Job.. Again

This is just ridiculous.

So, Let Me Get this Straight: The Woman Gets Demoted, The Men Don't?

RALEIGH, North Carolina (AP) -- A female member of a National Guard military police unit was demoted for indecent exposure after a mud-wrestling party at the Army-run Camp Bucca detention center in Iraq, a military spokesman said Sunday.

This was apparently a mixed-sex affair. What's the deal? Was she the only one to bare her breasts? Something tells me the boys were going topless, too.

You know, men have nipples. It's scary.

You can shoot a man and kill him honey, but don't show your tits. Don't hang with the boys. Don't try and have fun. Go sit in the back and remind everybody about how "special" you are for having breasts.

NY Marriage Decision Roundup

A lot of people are taking notes on this one, but here's a good roundup from Alas, A Blog:

(New York City) A New York State court ruled Friday that same-sex couples must be allowed to marry.

State Supreme Court Judge Doris Ling-Cohan said that the New York State Constitution guarantees basic freedoms to lesbian and gay people, and that those rights are violated when same-sex couples are not allowed to marry.

The ruling said the state Constitution requires same-sex couples to have equal access to marriage, and that the couples represented by Lambda Legal must be given marriage licenses.

And, as a reminder:

Of particular note to feminists: she points out that the logic of “you can’t change traditional marriage,” if taken seriously, would have prevented courts from outlawing marital rape.

We're all in this together, guys.

Gotta Love Those Obsolete Feminists

You know, it's not funny. I mean, if it was funny, that would be something. But it's not funny.

Somebody Else's Rant

Stolen from vanbrosia at the LJ Feminist Forum:

--------------------------
So I went to an Automobile Expo yesterday.

I knew what to expect. I knew that there would be female staff there hired to look pretty.

However, I expected adult women to be the staff. What I saw was barely-adult, near-anorexic, pale, and very scantly clad girls in stillettoes. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if they were sixteen. They were so thin that bones were sticking out, ribs could be counted, and they were so pale they looked like they were ill. Half of them weren't even there to help with the cars; they were just there to stand and look pretty.

Geez, why not use cardboard cutouts? One shiney pretty object next to all the other shiney metal objects?

It prompted this exchance between me and my dad.

Dad: There's something I don't get, though.
Me: What?
Dad: I read an article once that said it's women who buy the most cars. And there's an equal 50-50 of men and women here. So why are all these girls here?
Me: Sexism, dad.
Dad: *sigh* Yeah, I bet that's true.
--------------------------

Oh, Shit.

Democracy will be great for women in Iraq. Really, really great.

With religious Shiite parties poised to take power in the new constitutional assembly, leading Shiite clerics are pushing for Islam to be recognized as the guiding principle of the new constitution.

Exactly how Islamic to make the document is the subject of debate.

At the very least, the clerics say, the constitution should ensure that legal measures overseeing personal matters like marriage, divorce and family inheritance fall under Shariah, or Koranic law. For example, daughters would receive half the inheritances of sons under that law.

On other issues, opinion varies, with the more conservative leaders insisting that Shariah be the foundation for all legislation.

Oh, shit.

via blondesense

Fit, Fat, Feminism, and Carnivale

Season One of Carnivale -- SPOILERS

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Watched the episode of Carnivale the other night where Dora Mae, one of the dancers/part-time prostitutes is raped and killed in the mining town of Babylon (a violence done off screen, thankfully - I've been wacky with violence-against-women on screen since South Africa; it tends to scare the crap out of me).

She has the word "harlot" inscribed on her forehead, and we're told that the reason she was killed is because all those who are killed in Babylon... stay in Babylon. And the miners killed in Babylon, who only appear at night... were lonely.

Sampson, who runs the Carnivale, goes into town and does in the guy who killed her, and then walks out as the sun is setting.... and he sees Dora Mae standing naked in the window of one of the barracks-like houses, half-obscured in darkness.

They chose an actress for this part who looks the part of a woman; she's not one of those androgynous "beauties" of the 20s, wearing girdles to mask hips, or one of the "tits, ass, but no fat anywhere else" ideals today. She's fleshy, big in the hips and big-breasted (real breasts). It's a good "beauty" choice for the time period - the 1930s, during the Great Depression - when being well-fed and womanly meant you were likely very healthy and well-off. Women who looked the most "like women" were the ideal.

And this very classicaly woman-shaped woman stares lifelessly out of this window as the sun is going down, and one of the coal miners comes up slowly from behind her and hooks his arm around her throat... And he slowly pulls her back away from the window and into the darkness.

And there's this look of pity and sorrow and terror on Sampson's face, and he walks away, knowing there's nothing he can do, knowing that she's been co-opted by this place; a woman, a thing, to be owned, to be used.

It creeped me the fuck out.

I kept thinking about that scene all night, again that morning, again on the train, and after watching another episode last night, Jenn brought it up. I told her it freaked me the fuck out, which she found funny, because at the time when we watched it, I had gone utterly quiet and still and hadn't commented on it. It was one of those fear responses that was so intense I literally could not speak for fear of the sound of the terror creeping out in my voice.

It's men viewing this woman, this human being, as a thing, an object, that they can kill and keep for their own pleasure. Really creepy.

And it got me to thinking about my own love/hate relationship with my own body image. Because, as I've often talked about, I look like very much like a woman. If I wear baggy clothes and put my hair up and go into a butch walk, people might wonder a bit if I went by fast, but mostly, I've always had that woman's body - fleshy in the hips and thighs, pulled in at the waist, and though I'm not big-breasted, I am broad-shouldered, which means I do have an hourglass-type thing going on.

I remember Jenn coming into my room one day, bitching about a shirt that was too big for her, as it made her body look tube-like - she's small-breasted as well, and narrow in the hips, so if she wears a shirt that's too big, she looks a bit boyish.

I laughed at her and said, "I love finding pants and shirts that make me appear tube-like - then I know that I'm thinner, as I've gained the ability to hide the fact that I have hips." In fact, the most prized pants I own are pants that pull me in at the hips instead of accentuating them.

I've talked before about how the two times in my life where I was adamently trying to dissuade male attention were the times when I put on the most weight, thinking that would make me less attractive. This works in the US, now that our beauty standard isn't a fleshy one. It didn't work so well in South Africa. Being a fleshy woman is a desirable thing in Zulu culture, and is also a sign of health in a country rapidly watching its people waste away with AIDS. The couple of times I was hit on there, it was by Zulu men.

So though I was certainly operating on a "What makes an attractive woman" template both times, it didn't work so well the second time, because beauty standards are different in different places and change constantly. We're very much conditioned about what "beauty" is. So all that insulation only made those humid 105-degree days in Durban all that much more unbearable.

But watching that scene in Carnivale, I was reminded of why I fear having this woman's body, and why there's so much angst about it. On the one hand, I'd certainly like to be seen as attractive, as desirable, but I don't want the unwanted attention that comes with such desirability. I don't want even more people harrassing me on the train. I don't want people seeing "sex" on my body - by sheer virtue of the way my body is made! - and assuming that gives them a right to get up in my personal space.

One of the ways I'm combating this association of greater attractiveness (ie being thin, being fit; in this culture) with more harrassment is by taking self-defense classes, and teaching myself that being thinner doesn't neccessarily mean being weaker, and just because I start to get a more socially acceptable shape doesn't mean I'm somehow inviting more trouble. It doesn't mean that I owe anybody anything.

Sexual power is a funny thing to contemplate for somebody who has never really viewed themselves as attractive. Yet I know I've driven at least a couple of people crazy, and been desired enough to convince people to do things they knew they shouldn't have done. I'm not gorgeous, I'm not traditionally beautiful, but there is something that attracts certain sorts of people, and I'm aware of it. I've heard the Greek goddess talk one too many times.

So when I see this incredibly powerful woman getting co-opted by these men because they desire her, because she bears the body she was born with, I can't help but feel a stinging fear as I watch her get pulled into the darkness. It's not so long ago that women were considered things to be bought and sold, and in some places, we're still considered commodities, and hell, Jessica Simpson gave her dad a "virginity vow." We're not that far removed from woman-as-thing or woman's-worth-is-her-untouched-cunt. It's scary shit.

There are a great deal of things that keep drawing me back to Carnivale, the portrayal of women and men and the relationships between and among them being part of it. They've got an incredible bunch of character actors. Nobody's plastic-beautiful; you become attracted to them by sheer virtue of their actual characters, by the quirks, by watching those things about them that aren't so beautiful and finding the things that are.

I've ranted about other shows that keep fucking up their gender dynamics, whose actors appear to be deeply confused about what it is they're trying to say. With Carnivale, you start out with archetypes: the psychic, the bearded lady, the midget, the strongman, the snake charmer, the girls who dance "the cooch"... and every single one of them walks into the scene with their own set of issues, their own histories, their own power dynamics and relationships with the other characters, and at every point along the way, the ways that they interact feel true.

I realized during yesterday's viewing that I was watching a lot of sex scenes, this being an HBO production, and that in fact, they were all really great sex scenes. I didn't feel like anybody was being taken advantage of, or that women's bodies were being shown off just to be shown off (though I'd like more male nudity, at least on par with that of the women, but that's me). These feel like real people to me, drawn to each other for their own individual reasons, and it's not cheap and brainless. You can watch these people circle one another, and watch the ramifications of their actions play out.

It's not so much about eye candy as it is about telling a damn good story - and sex is part of life, and part of this story.

It's this place where nobody's perfect and you manage to fall in love with nearly everybody on some level; which, perhaps, was why the co-option of Dora Mae by men who saw her not as a real person, but a thing, was that much more powerful.

I'm Not Setting Enough Men On Fire, Apparently. I Mean, Literally. Need to Work On That

I'm getting there. I don't suck, but I've got a ways to go.
I need to set more people on fire.

Damn.

Inspiring Verse For Your Sunday Morning

"And the LORD spake unto Noah, saying 'Verily, this is the last fucking time I shop at Ikea; I have no idea which way round this bit goes. Cover thine eyes, lest thou be blinded; I shall use My powers to build thy ark from moonbeams.' And Noah said 'Lord, is that not cheating?' And the LORD said 'Unless My Adversary has given thee gills while My attention was elsewhere, thou shalt be fishfood soon without My aid; now either shut the fuck up and cover thine eyes, or I shall leave thee here amidst the unassembled debris and drown the whole bloody lot of you.' And Noah grew afraid, and fell to his knees and begged forgivenness; and the LORD's heart softened towards Noah, and He said 'It is not thy fault, o beloved servant; it is Mine, and Ikea's. Fucking Ikea. Now cover thine eyes.' And Noah did, and the LORD did create an ark from moonbeams; and the animals went aboard, two by two, and as they did so the LORD made a note to cover Sweden in really harsh winters for their offences in his sight."

- The Book of Tooltime, 3:15

Read some more

Someday, I Will Be a Super Ninja

Just not today.

Really gotta get into habituating that boxing class *after* the pilates class. For some reason, I've only managed to make both classes work at once, like, three times.

Tack something else up on the "things I need to work on" board. But hey - good news is, this is the first week I've managed all of my scheduled workout days; shirked boxing class aside (I was just pleased I managed to roll out of bed and get downtown).

Cooking, cleaning, groceries, throwing out crappy clothes from the closet. Spending the rest of the day catching up on my reading and watching Carnivale (this is a damn fine show). Ready to relax and have a weekend.

Oh, and here's a little something from Jenn. Fuck only knows how she finds this stuff: Ghetto Rocky - Eye of the Tiger, European Style. For your Saturday amusement.

Good Night, Chiklits

Ah. Warms my heart.

thanks, Greg

Or... Not

Or, I won't watch Carnivale, as Jenn appears to have taken it over to her SO's.

Goddammit.

Episode 40: In Search of the Khaki Pants

I've just spent the last four hours shopping for clothes and shoes.

I hate shopping with a blind, feiry passion.

For the record, a women's size 11 shoe is a men's size 9, so after spending three hours looking for a fucking decent pair of women's shoes that I wouldn't fall over in and repeatedly getting told that all of the attractive shoes you actually like aren't available in your size, go to Nordstrom Rack and get a cool pair of shoes much like the ones Yellow wears for a reasonable price... ("Y'know Yellow, you're real cute, but your shoes are fucking *hot*").

Finding a pair of khaki pants was just the sort of ordeal I assumed it would be, and I spent an inordinate amount of time in Eddie Bauer with some incredibly helpful sales people who did really seem abashed that they didn't carry the size and cut pants I wanted in a tall.

Also, that suede jacket you've been wanting to buy your whole life but couldn't justify the expense to get? Today's the day to get it. Not as butch as a leather jacket, but damn comfy. Someday, I'll have my own. For now, this will do nicely.

Picked up a new sports bra, new running shoes (it's been years), and a new traveling bag/sports bag... when confronted with two bags of differing sizes, the make-or-break decision was, "Will I be able to fit my boxing gloves and shoes in here?"

And yes, I did find a pair of khaki pants that fit reasonably well and were long enough, though they're too dressy for casual wear. Fine for work, but I mourn my Alaskan cargo pants. Someday, I will find them again.

I seem to be doing a great deal of searching for things I've lost.

After spending the last four hours feeling like a circus freak who can't seem to fit into any manufactured sizes, I'm going to go drink some beer and watch Carnivale.

Oh, shit. And do laundry. And pack for class tomorrow.

Never a dull moment.

Government Launches State News Service

Oh, good! State-run news agencies!

Right out of 1984!

How incredibly quaint. It's like living in Coldwar Russia.

Just wait, give Bush another year, and we'll be back to teaching 50s-style sex education and wearing -- oh, wait. Wait. No, we're just about there already.

Who stole my country? I want it back.

Why Does This Not Surprise Me?

Why does it not surprise me that when Yellow was asked on this conference call what four people we needed to widdle down our pool of thirteen Dallas people to, that one of the four people (in addition to himself), that should go... was me.

He was overruled, but I think it's interesting.

So anyhow: I'm out for Dallas, but on for New York.

Oh, Shit

Yellow: Get your shit-kickers and your cowboy hat, we're going to Dallas.

Me: What the hell is this Dallas thing? Nobody said anything to me about it.

Yellow: You didn't get the e-mail from Mosh?

Me: Shit, no, nobody -- oh, shit, I didn't... oh

I didn't even bother opening up my work e-mail this morning. That's how little work I've actually been doing here in the office.

Open work e-mail...

Oh, shit. They've already made my hotel reservations. Dallas early next week, a meeting in New Jersey/New York at the end of the week... conference call this morning to see who's doing the New Jersey leg (oh, hell, just fly me out!).

This is the weirdest job. Sit on your ass for two weeks and then... GO!

To Reiterate:

1) There are weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.

2) Social Security will implode tomorrow, even if we don't steal all that money in order to pay off our war debts. Which we are NOT going to do.

3) The gays are not real Americans, and want to sodomize your children (though how or why the lesbians want to go about this, we're still unclear on)

4) Abortion isn't about controlling women, it's about protecting life, which is why we have such great childcare programs for welfare mothers

5) We are NOT, I repeat, NOT going to war with Iran.

Why is it I feel so cynical?

Way To Start Your "Workday" Morning

...dumping half a container of instant creamer into your coffee.

Oops.

I'm so happy it's Friday.

Jogging

I think I'm just awestruck.

I've spent the last six months trying to figure out what the hell I was doing wrong, why I couldn't do the amount of workouts that I wanted, why my energy was so low, and I was getting increasingly twitchy.

Gosh, could it be because I was in famine-mode, and exhibiting that classic freak-out behavior found in that study about men put on 1500-1800 calorie diets?

Came home, hopping around, thinking, "Jogging! Jogging! Jogging is great! It's *only* three miles! I get to listen to Everclear! Yay!"

And did my three miles pretty easily, and started pushing my pacing. I'd like to stay at three miles for awhile, and just increase the pace as I increase my strength and endurance. I have tomorrow off, then my MA class on Saturday, and I'll have completed my first ideal workout week.

Fricking amazing.

I've also been on a real Everclear kick, the same six songs or so from Sparkle & Fade, and I'm not sure what that's about. Everclear is very much a small town highschool memory sort of band for me. I mean, Everclear: encouraging kids to get out of shitty towns, shitty relationships, and ditch their shitty record store jobs... for at least the last ten years...

Funny, how much driving energy I find in it.