Sunday, August 06, 2006

Holy Crap I Have Hips Again

Well, there's no use denying the weight gain now. I can wear 16s again without them falling off me (well, OK, I still have to wear a belt), and when I got out of the hospital, my 12s were loose. I still weigh less than I did this time last year, but I'm headed there.

So, yes: I have hips again.

I have a lot of really complicated feelings about this, because on the one hand: whoa boy am I healthier! I can get up the stairs without losing my breath! My wounds actually heal (OK, except the ones on my feet)! I can brush my teeth without drawing blood! I don't get weird infections! I can wear contact lenses without irritation! I have biceps again!

But at the same time, I do my free weights five days a week, live primarily on chicken and salads, and though this week I crashed due to a lot of emotional stress, I'm usually doing thirty minutes of cardio five days a week.

And... I'm... still... gaining... weight.

I feel like I have no control over what's happening with my body. Which I already feel cause I have to shoot up insulin every day cause my pancreas up and broke on me. Worse, I think I'm going to lose the battle with my doctor over the drugs. Unless I can stop this weight gain by the 19th, he's probably going to recommend I go on Metformin. And worse, I'll probably get another lecture about how I need to "cut back." Cut back what? To where? Should I just stop eating all together? *That* sounds healthy?

But you know what, gaining 20 lbs in two months while living on salad is about as scary as losing 20 lbs in two months while living on cinnamon rolls.

I'm kinda freaked out. I have two last ditch hopes: that increasing my workout times every week for the next three weeks will have some impact on the crazy flesh that is my body, and the hope that my body's screwed up metabolism will somehow right itself and even out over the next three weeks.

To add insult to injury, I believe I'm getting a foot ulcer on my right big toe, and I'm going to have to go in to see a podiatrist this month to get it scraped out and cleaned up.

Diabetes - endless fun for the whole family!


Good Night, and Good Luck - this is why I wanted to go into journalism. Why is it nobody in the news media has a backbone anymore? They all became sideshow entertainers.

Also, I was amused and a little saddened that they felt they needed to run a text-prologue to the film explaining about McCarthy and the Red Scare. These are stories that shouldn't be forgotten.

Antonia's Line - a Dutch (Belgian?) film about four generations of strong, independent women growing up in a rural village in Belgium from the 1940s to the 1990s. Living, dying, fighting, fucking, joy, pain, sorrow, revenge, babies, etc. I was thrilled to see a stout matron filling the title role, too. I think I'm just dying to see heroines that don't look like they're going to fall over in the face of a strong wind.

Also, she gets to shoot a rifle and threaten a rapist with it, and then curse him. It's cool.