Thursday, October 04, 2007

Day By Day

I wrote this last night and deleted it soon after because I got overly self-conscious about it, but apparently my LJ feed picked it up anyway, so everybody getting my feed via LJ read it anway. Jackie thinks it's one of my better posts, so shit, since LJ's already seen it, I'll put it back up:


'People are often lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.' --Anonymous

"You can't fight diabetes -- you have to befriend it otherwise it will take you."

One of the gifts of nearly dying, of continually living at the edge of dying, has been this incredible realization of just how fleeting and precious life really is, of how easily it slips away.

I know what dying feels like: you go to sleep. It goes dark. Everything stops.

Everything just stops.

The journey I've been on now, this life I'm living now, this is all borrowed time; it feels stolen, and ever so precious. It means I appreciate the people in my life more. I love more. I take more risks, because I realize that sometimes, we don't have the time for second chances.

I'm even more adament about following my heart, my passion, my bliss. But more than that, I am learning all about the stuff that isn't "me" and "mine."

I spent a lot of time trying to protect myself from everything, trying not to get hurt, because I was so screwed over in my first relationship, because I became a person I didn't like. I ran all around the world and proved I was strong and independent. I thought I had proved that I didn't need anyone or anything. I had a grand merry fucking time, and I still plan on hopping all around the world, but the stuff I was looking for, that hole in my heart, that was always still there. I just got better at pretending that that's how life was supposed to be, walking around with pieces of yourself missing.

I have learned bravery. I've learned to love people only as much as they will let me, and I've learned to pursue what I am passionate about. And I have learned so much compassion. I am learning so much compassion. Because when you have been so scared, so lonely, so full of fear, you understand that craziness in others, that desperate grasping for something stable and solid in a crazy fucking world.

You learn patience.

Because life is big and loud and precious, yes, but it's also really terrifying and really hard.

But trust me - it's all a lot better than death. Better than dying with a hole in your heart.

That's what I want to make of my life now, the person I want to be. I want to let people back in. There is risk, yes, but the potential reward? The full life? Living it out as a whole person?

Totally worth the journey, even if you never get there.

We have only this life. This is what we've got. And it's always shorter than you imagined, there at the end.

"May you live as long as you wish and love as long as you live."
-Robert Heinlein

Not Surprising

Which Female Action Hero Are You?

You are The Bride. When you get an idea in your head, you simply won't let it go! You constantly search for normalcy, love, and sometimes revenge--and your vicious stubbornness inspires you to fight to the death to get what you want.
Find Your Character @

Free Berkeley Lectures on YouTube

Berkeley's put free full university course lectures online: Chemistry, Bioengineering, an "Introduction to Nonviolence" and more... and they're apparently planning to put up more (also, why do I always misspell Berkeley? There are too many "e"s in this word).


Today's Song, Stuck on Repeat

I've discovered the coolest songs over at Whiskey from a Wire, I swear. iTunes is now also my best friend.

It's not Drive, but it's still a pretty sexy song....

Artist: Lucinda Williams
Song: Righteously
Album: World Without Tears

You don't have to prove
Your manhood to me constantly
I know you're the man can't you see
I love you Righteously

Why you wanna dis me
After the way you been kissin' me
After those pretty things you say
And the love we made today

When you run your hand
All up and run it back down my leg
Get excited and bite my neck
Get me all worked up like that

Think this through
I laid it down for you everytime
Respect me I give you what's mine
You're entirely way too fine

Arms around my waist
You get a taste of how good this can be
Be the man you ought to tenderly
Stand up for me

Flirt with me don't keep hurtin' me
Don't cause me pain
Be my lover don't play no game
Just play me John Coltraine


Virtual Friendship and the New Narcissism

Interesting stuff:

As the young woman writing in the Times admitted, “I consistently trade actual human contact for the more reliable high of smiles on MySpace, winks on, and pokes on Facebook.” That she finds these online relationships more reliable is telling: it shows a desire to avoid the vulnerability and uncertainty that true friendship entails. Real intimacy requires risk—the risk of disapproval, of heartache, of being thought a fool. Social networking websites may make relationships more reliable, but whether those relationships can be humanly satisfying remains to be seen.

Stuff to Do Today

Finish writing another fucking Rhys chapter.

Chapters from his POV are STILL the hardest.