Sugar Death

You know, just seeing how much insulin I have to take just to stay under 300 because the pump's fucked and basal's not working, I have to say that I'm reducing my, "I could live for at least 3 days without insulin after the apocalypse!" to "I'd be lucky to make it 24 fucking hours."

Glad I took them seriously about those emergency supplies, or I would have had to go home a hell of a lot earlier.

Depressing, to be dying all the time.

Pod Failure

Had my first pod failure this morning when I went to switch out my omnipod. I'd read about this in the omnipod forums - apparently 1 in 7 actually fail out of the box. The good news is that this is supposed to mostly happen immediately, as soon as you put it on. I kept getting communication error messages, so I switched out the pod and successfully activated a new one.

Well, it looks like they "usually" only fail out of the box, because this second one I've had one has kept me at a steady 300 all fucking day long. I have no idea what's going on with it. Checked the cannula, which is in place. It still clicks when it delivers a bolus, the proper basal program is on, it just... wants to keep me at 300.

As recommended, I kept my pens on hand for just such emergencies (I would have had the extra pod, too, but this *was* my backup pod, and I forgot to replace the backup this morning, figuring that the chances of having 2 bad pods weren't high ha haah 1 in 7, do the math).

I suppose it's possible this is also a leveling issue, but I doubt it. I switched out sites and pods, so I'm thinking there's some kind of blockage or bad cannula or something.

I took a 6 unit correction hit with my pens, which should help. I'll just need to manually finagle it until I get home and change out the pod.

Fucking annoying. Seriously, 1 in 7? Don't they have some rigorous quality check for these things?

Man, My Life is Boring

...and it's going to stay that way for at least another year. On the one hand: kind of depressing. On the other hand: this is what you get when you cross wild, roaring 20s with chronic illness and job layoffs:

A year of boring suck.

Ah well, I'm making the most of it. And the upside is, once my boring year of suck is overwith, I'll be ready for my roaring 30s!

By the Numbers, redux

Actual thought tonight, as I prepared for a pre-8:30 bedtime:

"Gee, I don't know why I'm so wiped out and exhausted."

Gee, I wonder.

Numbers this morning were a lot better, but I was running high this afternoon, in part because I think I underestimated the carb count on today's black beans at lunch. So I was running 170-190 pretty much all afternoon, which is less than ideal.

Morning was awesome, though, a nice clean 86-123 until noon, with a 136, which still isn't too bad.

I'm setting my 1am alarm tonight, but not the 3am (yes, I set a 3am alarm last night. What can I say? I'm very cautious with new toys).

I'm already looking forward to Thursday when I get to change the site. They recommend that you keep the omnipod on your stomach/hip/torso area the first week or two, but I really hate having it there. I'd much prefer my arm. Bending over, wearing jeans, situps, etc... it's just not the most convenient place for it. And I can only use one side anyway, because I sleep on my right side.

Anyway, going to bed. Only one sugar check alarm tonight. Huzzah.

What do you want?

I sat up tonight watching the last half of The Notebook. This is one of my favorite romance movies (and not just because I have crushes on both of the leads). I generally hate smarmy, gendered romance movies where some dashing, moneyed guy saves some poor but pretty abused Cinderella from her dead-end life. Excuse me, but I'd like to think that there was more drawing two people together than her desperation to escape a life of abuse and poverty. That's not romance. Call me not old fashioned.

And The Notebook does something else that I also found interesting in Sweet Home Alabama, a trend I wouldn't mind seeing more of.

It's not that the girl needs saving in either of these movies. In fact, she's quite successful and well-off all on her own. And it's not that her current boyfriend is an asshole. In fact, her current boyfriend is pretty perfect. Her life is great. It's just that... it's that... something's missing. And she needs to figure out what it is, or just learn how to live without it.

Most of us make the choice to live without it. It's often easier that way.

There's this big myth that women like assholes and bad boys, people who treat them like crap. This is a a misreading of something else, I think (though there are, certainly, people who are drawn into or just plain stuck in abusive relationships). In fact, what I think some people are looking for - what I realized I was looking for - is somebody who challenges them. Somebody who doesn't put up with their bullshit.

There's a reason I was more broken up about the not-Boyfriend than I have been about any other breakup I've had. And that's because he challenged me. He stood up to me. I can be a scary bitch sometimes, I get that. I've dated people who don't like conflict, and especially don't like to argue with me. So then you just don't talk, or you avoid certain subjects, or stuff breaks down, and then one day one of you wakes up and you realize you've spent all of your time never talking about anything that matters, and you don't actually know each other at all.

Go too far one way and you end up dating an asshole (which I did in highschool). Go too far the other way and you get the NY boyfriend, who refused to get into an argument with me about anything. He found conflict of any kind terrifying, which made that whole jokey sarcasm thing that I do when I really like people kind of... well, it didn't work.

We all need that special someone in our lives who calls us on all our bullshit.

Noah: It's not about following your heart and it's not about keeping your promises. It's about security.
Allie: What's that supposed to mean?
Noah: [yelling] Money. He's got a lot of money!
Allie: You smug bastard. I hate you for saying that.
Noah: You're bored Allie. You're bored and you know it. You wouldn't be here if there wasn't something missing.
Allie: You arrogant son of a bitch.
Noah: Would you just stay with me?
Allie: Stay with you? What for? Look at us, we're already fighting.
Noah: Well that's what we do, we fight... You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing.
Allie: So what?
Noah: So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out.
Allie: What easy way? There is no easy way, no matter what I do, somebody gets hurt.
Noah: Would you stop thinking about what everyone wants? Stop thinking about what I want, what he wants, what your parents want. What do YOU want? What do you WANT?
Allie: It's not that simple.
Noah: What... do... you... want? Whaddaya want?

Yeah, it's not gonna be easy, it's gonna be really hard. But there was a time I believed it was worth it, and there will be a time when I believe it's worth it again.

Until then, the beat goes on.

Magic Numbers

It appears that my magic basal number during the day is somewhere between .45 and .55 units per hour. After a shitty morning, my numbers after noon evened out really well.

I've set myself at .55 for the morning and .45 at night, with adjustments for exercise (.25 for evening cardio, .35 for morning exercise, with an option to just suspend insulin for a workout if I need to. I can go as low as .10 per hour).

I knew that the pump process was going to be two weeks of calibration and bitchiness, and I got all of that today. Starting my morning with rolling lows always fucks me up, and I was weepy and bitchy all day, which is rough to do when you have to be cool and professional and on top of shit at work. I got very little done today. I considered it an accomplishment that I finished our spinning workout without passing out (tested at a very respectable 111 after the workout), and attended all meetings and spoke coherently (I only had to test during one meeting, fearing I was spiking low. Turned out I was just really queasy and jumpy; I fear I wasn't as coherent in that meeting as I should have been either).

I should only have to do this crazy testing-every-two-hours thing for another day. After tomorrow, I should have established a reasonable baseline.

I felt so fucking horrible today, though, you know? It's funny what fucked-up sugar does. I wore a loose shirt today to help mask the pod, which I have to wear on my stomach the first couple of days just until the calibration is done, then I can wear it on my leg or upper arm, but here I am, wearing this frumpy shirt, and my skin looks horrible, and has my bottom half always been so big? Why do I look like I mushroom? Why can't I be skinny and cute and unintimidating? Why does my hair look like shit? I look horrible and frumpy and unlovable. I hate the whole world! I just want to die! No one will ever love me! I look like a frumpy Ohio housewife! I am worthless!

And then I look again and just sigh because hey, yo, I'm just crazy. Because I don't look any different than I did the day before, and I love being able to bash things really hard. It's a relief now, you know, that when I feel that way I can just be like, "Hey, I'm crazy!" and move on.

I think I'll wear something a little less frumpy tomorrow, though, which might just help how I feel. As will a less fucking crazy sugar morning.

For now, I'm absolutely fucking exhausted, and not worth much of anything about now.

This is one of those "I hate being sick!" days, but there's that other part of me, the conscious-of-the-crazy part, that thinks it's pretty cool to be alive, and pretty neat that we have such crazy gadgets to help us stay that way.

Rumor has it there's a new pod coming out next year that's 40% smaller than this one (and this one ain't huge at all), and a smaller PDM (remote control) with a cooler screen coming out next year.

Better yet? They're working on the continuous glucose monitor + omnipod thingie that will automatically take your blood sugar all day long (no more finger pricking 10 times a day!); then you can remote in the correction via the PDM. It's already pretty sweet that my meter is integrated with the remote, but to bring the whole thing together will be really great.

That's a couple years away yet, tho. In the meantime, it's manual testing and calibration.

But, you know, let's put this in perspective:

This was the first time in two years that I didn't have to jab myself with a needle at least four times.

That's gotta be a big leap forward.

Things that Annoy Me

Diabetes.

Started the new insulin pump today. You know, I don't really use a lot of insulin. I've been reading these forums where there are people using something like 80 units of insulin a day. 80 units? Srsly?

I've been adjusting my basal rate all day for lows. I'm going to suspend it altogether for my workout at 10:30. And I already had a pretty low set point (.65 units an hour to start. Have changed to .45 already based on the morning's trending. I'm reading that there are people set at 2 and 3 units an hour who are in the 200s). Of course, this could be because I spent 3 hours moving furniture yesterday, so I'm trending lower than I should.

Watching my numbers this morning was fascinating:

Target is 80

5:30 am: 180 +5 .65 basal
7:08 am: 110
7:33 am: 91
7:56 am: 79
8:13 am: 65
(took 2 lifesavers, adjusted basal to .45)
8:40 am: 92
9:09 am: 70
9:20 am: 61
(OK, srsly, I'm having a fucking bagel)

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Sweeney Todd

Well now, that was just silly.

9 Reasons

9 Reasons Not to Date a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

I'm not sure why I find this so hilarious.

Tired

These dawgs are exhausting. I love them, but seriously, they are TROUBLE.

Look Who Has Come to Visit!

I am dogsitting the crackhookers this weekend!

Post a Rejection Letter Friday

In honor of Post a Rejection Letter Friday (in response to this crazy), here's an oldie but a goodie:

What's Wrong with This Form Rejection?

Unholy Blight

Unholy Blight - Rank 1/1

A creeping swarm of unholy insects surrounds the caster for a 10 yard radius. All enemies caught in the swarm take 34 damage and are plagued with a disease that can stack up to 3 times. Persists for 1 sec per 10 runic power.

This is so great I can't even say.

Sadly, I just don't see that I'm going to be spending enough WoW-time to ever get there once it's released (books to write and all). Ah well. The possibility EXISTS people, it EXISTS.

(thanks, Tyim!)

One for the Road

Blarg

Blarg. Someday I will be an adult.

Look What I Got Today!

If you don't know what this is, click here.

Excess Energy

I've kicked back up my fitness routine the last couple of weeks, and every time I go to the gym I contemplate paying for a couple training sessions a month from the personal trainers there. Thing is, I can't afford another $100 a month in fitness costs (the gym is already $55 a month).

Today as I walked into the gym I started along the same track... and then realized I have two perfectly good personal trainers at work who have been trying to get more people to come to them for additional workout regimes and nutrition advice to step up our health and wellness program at work. And that doesn't cost money!

I've been wanting to kick up this routine for awhile, but I needed a stable homelife in order to do that. That is, when you're not concentrating on things like where your next insulin hit is coming from, you can afford to spent more time thinking about how to get wicked buff again.

I'll outline a set of goals tonight and setup a meeting with one of our trainers for later this week (work is going to be crazy tomorrow and Thursday, but Friday should have a bit of breathing room). Basically, I want to be buff again, and I want it to be *noticeable.* I'm surprisingly strong now, but that's not readily apparent because I'm probably about 30 lbs heavier than I need to be. I don't mind the extra weight - it's quite comfortable, but if I'm going for a wicked buff look, it's not doing me any favors.

As opposed to weight numbers, I'd prefer to concentrate on clothing sizes, since weight numbers really don't tell me anything. I'm looking to go from a comfortable 16 to a comfortable 12, which is what I was in Alaska when I was working out six days a week (which is what it's going to take - let's face it).

I honestly really welcome the up tempo. As noted, I have a ton of excess energy to burn off, and I think this is a great way to harness that (and being buffer and sleeker sure won't hurt for the book launch next year).

I tend to work better when I'm in better shape anyway, and that's never been so true as it's been since I got the sugar death, so hey.

Win all around.

No One Has Ever Hacked the Internet Before!

I would so watch this movie.

(thanks, Tyim)

Other Things that Annoy Me

People in general.

I'm glad I'm working out tonight.

Now go do a hundred pushups.

I'm starting to think...

... that I may actually be one of those people who only really falls hard for people who don't like them.

Some of this is hard conditioning from grade school, you know? I spent years... YEARS pining after people I knew were impossible crushes. You know, those kinds of guys who never looked twice at you in school. The ones who wanted to be "just friends." I nurtured these crushes for ages and ages. In fact, I can think of maybe three people who took up the entirety of my fantasy crush time from 3rd grade to 10th grade. That's just sad. But it did keep me out of trouble.

And then in high school I didn't have much experience with dating people I pined after or who really liked me because there was, you know, just the one guy for three years. Who, yes, I did get bored with quite often. But everytime I got bored there was some psycho thing going on and some near breakup, and then him in tears and crazy screaming, and so that drug out way too long, because I was like, "Well, look, nobody else likes me!" Then I finally dumped him for the final time and took six years off because if that's what a relationship was, I wanted to fucking part of it.

So when I started dating again three years ago, I generally, you know, dated people who really liked me.

And it was weird. Then I was crazy for a year of that. And crazy shit happened. And I was like, "Dating people who really like you is CRAZY!"

But really, the crazy was just me.

Then suddenly I grew up and got better and realized hey, love is not so scary! It just fucks you up and breaks your heart, but damn, the sex is great! I should just go for it!

And that, of course, freaks people out.

But now I find myself doing my usual routine again, pining after people who just aren't interested in the least and just aren't available. And I'm thinking, "What the hell is the point of this? I've had people want to die over me, and turned down all these marriage proposals, and here I am, pining after jerks and losers again," and then I'm like, "Well, yeah, that sure is a lot easier than having a real relationship, isn't it?" And I'm like, "Why, yes, yes it is!"

I'm in that crappy place right now that good girls get into, which is that I really want to get laid but really don't want to get into a relationship because I'm so fucking tired of bland, passionless first dates and I can't spend any money anyway, but I'm not the type who goes out to a bar looking for a one night stand because, let's be honest, I just can't get off having sex with some random stranger (gee, sucks to be me!). Why am I so boring??

So it's summertime, and I love my life.

It just sucks that I also have a sex drive.

Blast.

But seriously, what a waste of my time. I'm not in gradeschool anymore. I have better things to do with my fantasy time... like, you know, plotting out the first half of Babylon.

Which would actually be a whole hell of a lot more productive.