T1 Ironman Blog

Good reads, my T1s, good reads.

Mmmm Equality

Personally, I've been striving toward equality to empower my fellow women with the desire and opportunity to get boob jobs. Also, cardio strip classes are waaaay more practical than kickboxing. The moon is also made of cheese and Jesus rode a T-Rex to school, which makes me happy.

No?

Killing Us Softly

Women and "women" in advertising.

A touch dated in presentation ("they now use computer imaging to make fake women!") but the ads - and the messages - are still the same.

(it's all good, but be sure to check out the Special K ad at the end)

Quote of the Day

“The price of discipline is always less than the pain of regret."
- Robin Sharma

Omnipod By the Numbers

5:34 am: 96

12:12 pm: 95

3:15 pm: 155 (still working on that post-lunch correction)

6:51 pm: 95

No fucking shit.

The bitch is back, yo.

Catherynne says..

"In the days before I got the bright idea to start writing novels, I ran that particular obstacle course. I dutifully ate the scorpions and walked the highwire, dredging up my childhood abuse and past relationships and anything else that seemed suitably dire to please a professor. It really makes for an alarming personality type: someone who has lost all notion of appropriate social filters, and views their private pain as public discourse.

You know, a blogger."

Read the rest

WoW No More

My WoW account expired yesterday, much to the delight of my book contract and my waistline. I suspect the 5 lbs I've gained over the last three months have just as much to do with too much WoW as they do with too many flourless peanut butter cookies.

Now that I'm on the pump, I'm paying even more attention to what I'm eating. Again, as I discovered back when I did my health assessment, it's funny that I'm one of those people who can't let things slip for a few months. A few months of WoW and cookies and it's all over. Sucks to be me, but that's the way it is. At least I catch myself now.

Still working at fine-tuning the insulin for workouts. I hate having to re-calibrate everything again after just getting it down. Not doing well on that front. Continuing to do my workouts at work, but not my additional 2 at the gym. I need to face my fear and just fucking do it.

Just do it.

Personally, I always like the "No Fear" slogan a lot better.

Consistent Incompetence

Some people, seriously.

One for the Road

Omnipodding Week 3

Is this week three? The beginning of week 3, in any case.

Things have largely settled down and evened out. I'm still trying to figure out the boluses for meals. I used to calculate these entirely differently; the onboard calculator they have seems to usually work so long as you have an accurate carb count. I'm used to dosing certain ways for center food items, and all those previous calcs are kinda fucked.

How can I explain?

Let's say I test before a meal and my blood sugar is 134. According to my little chart, I would take 4 units of insulin to "correct" for that 134 [to get it back to 80] *plus* 1 unit for every 15 carbs I was eating (this 4 unit "base" changes depending on that number. If I test at 80, my base is 2. If I test at 160, it's 6, and on up the scale, up to a 14 unit "base" when your sugar hits 400 and you should prob'ly be phoning a doc).

So if I'm eating, say, eggs and veggies, I'll just take the 4 units of insulin. Afterall, there's no "hard carbs" in those. No bread, sugary items, nothing with more than 15 units of carbs, really.

But if I'm eating eggs and veggies and toast, I'll take 5 units (the base 4 plus 1 for the toast).

Well, the pod doesn't calculate carbs the way I used to. Maybe I've set this up incorrectly. I'm meeting with the local nurse educator tomorrow for a check up about how I'm doing. Thing is, the morning calculator works fine. I know that if I dial in 17 carbs for my berries, then whatever the PDM says to give me is good.

Lunch is trickier, because I don't have an accurate count. I know about what I *used* to take, but every time I try to guess and then plug in the carb amount and test 2-3 hours later to see how I did, I'm always off by 2-3 units. I don't think this is a basal problem. Maybe?

My best numbers of the day (which, strangely enough, used to be my worst) are now my morning numbers. I've consistently woken up with 78-112 all last week. On days I don't exercise, my noon number is usually 100ish as well (I'm trying to figure out how to account for the new exercise routine at work. Because we do intervals, my blood sugar invariably goes up, not down (like it would during cardio), so I'm trying to figure out the best basal rate for the hour; I'm getting closer [I'll test at 134-164 after exercising], but it's not ideal yet).

I've been doing a lot of mid-afternoon tests because of aforementioned inability to get my lunch carb ratio correct. Or whatever is messed up. I even altered the basal for the afternoon so it's a little higher (and then it comes down again around 5pm when I'm less insulin resistant). The mid-afternoon numbers all suck (187, today, three hours after I ate, was the best mid-afternoon I've had).

Thing is, I figure that with a pump you should be more stable more of the time. If you're not, what's the point? So, shouldn't my mid-afternoon number be better than it used to be? 187 is what I'd test at during mid-afternoon *before* the pump.

So I'm working hard at fine tuning it.

I've turned off all the annoying beeps, and the only alarm I get is the one I set for two hours before the pod should expire and the one built into the pod for when the pod actually expires. It does still click when it delivers insulin, which is annoying, but something you just have to live with, apparently.

I'm still not sure if I'm sold on it, but I'm happy and sane and the numbers seem to be leveling out. Now it's just a matter of refining it, which I'll be doing with the educator and my endo next month.

Being diabetic is fun!

I was eating this brown rice and vegetable medley thing tonight that I used to eat all the time in Alaska (it's really good, actually; it has bacon and parmesan cheese and tomatoes and all sorts of great stuff), and thinking, "Man, remember in Alaska when you could eat as much of this as you wanted without really thinking about it?"

Remember when I could eat really, anything I wanted at any time, in whatever amount that caught my fancy, without thinking about it?

It's become such a foreign idea, eating without thinking. At least I don't have to take a shot *after* I think about it now, tho? Just plug some numbers into a PDA-looking thing and click for awhile?

Could be worse. Far worse. Big needles and death worse, but there are time when I think I minimize how much this stuff really eats up you life, your thinking. How much it consumes your day. Little stuff adds up.

People who whine annoy the crap out of me. Hell, I'm alive! It's fucking great! I could be injecting pig insulin into my thigh with a giant needle I had to sharpen myself!

But there's a lot that goes into it. Living, yeah, staying living (and sane living) takes a great deal of effort, and math, and forethought these days. I minimize it as much as I can. It's nearly invisible (which is probably why it's so fucking agonizing to me when it *isn't* as invisible). Because, you know, when we choose places to go out to eat at work, when we have a work gaming day, when Steph and the Old Man invite me over for dinner... it's something that not only I'm aware of, but stuff that other people become aware of, too. I have to have diet pop. I can't be living on Doritoes and Mountain Dew like the guys (I couldn't do that anyway without being 300 lbs, but I can't even do it just for a Saturday, you know?).

And running around, exercise without planning and forethought (impulsive sex can also be a lot less fun), and then there's that 1am sugar check, which I do still have to do with the pod. Every am. At least I don't have to take a shot at 5:30 am, tho?

Three steps forward, two steps back.

It's a lot of work, yeah, but it's my life. It's the price I pay to live. Not a bad price at all, but it eats at you sometimes. I can't pretend it doesn't. Especially when I want to eat bagels and order pizza. I hate that more than 2-3 pieces of pizza makes me sick. Hate it. I hate being broken.

It's not the end of the world, just a different world. And sometimes it can piss you off.

But it can't keep you from doing anything.

And that's the part you have to remember.

Guess Who's Coming to Town?

Scalzi and Toby will be reading at the Books & Co. across the parking lot from my digs next month (I nearly - NEARLY - said, "Fellow writers Scalzi and Toby...." But I'm going to reserve that particular weirdness for after the first of the three books is out next year, at least, thanks).

That should be a fun reading.

Blog Review

You know, I'm not actually a very brutal person, but I seem to play one on the internet:

"Kameron seems to be a very active and independent person. She does what she wants and does not care too much about what people will think of her. She may have relationship issues. Some of her posts talk about how she needs to be more in touch with her feelings and how she needs to be more open with people.

Brutal Women was a very interesting blog and I'm glad I read it. I just hope I never come across Ms. Hurley and get her mad because I will get my ass kicked with her martial arts/boxing skills and then she could potentially shoot me. That would prevent me from further posts."

I almost laughed til I cried.

(from here)

Blogging Break

Not sure when I'll be back, but for the two whole readers who come here regularly, do not despair:

I am probably not dead.

The Day that Blew By

Wow, that was fast.

Today, I learned that a cup of fat-free half and half is 143 calories, whereas a cup of peanut butter is 520 calories.

Which means eating half a bowl of sugar free, fat free pudding is about 143 calories, whereas eating half a batch of flourless peanut butter cookies is only 260.

Dammit man. In any case, those calorie counts are a lot better than I thought they'd be. I think these are nighttime snacks I should stick with.

On a related note:

OMFG sugar free, fat free eggnog!!! OMG!!!! A DIABETIC'S DELIGHT!!!

You have no idea how much I've missed eggnog the last two Christmases.

Zen

On the one hand, feeling neutral is so great. There are no gigantic emotional swings, no depression, no pressing need to do do do go go go, no crazy sugar-swinging hysterics.

On the other hand, it's kind of annoying that I find it difficult to get worked up over much of anything when I go from spiky crazy to normal again.

Dark Knight

Too long. By about half an hour. A typical problem with summer movies.

Also had one too many bad guys (why do they ALWAYS try and pack a *another* one in at the end instead of fleshing out the one they have?).

Extra bad wasn't necessary, as Ledger's joker was terrifying enough.

Not a happy superhero movie.

Just the way I like it.

Things to Look Forward To

Red Sonja (will anyone ever make a kick-ass warrior woman without making a point of saying she has a "vulnerable" side? Did they make a point of saying that Bale was a great, dark, brutal Batman but also had a "vulnerable" side? Is this really a superhero selling point?). But aside from that, yeah, sweet beans.

Terminator 4 with... Christian Bale. Everything else about it looks iffy, but they've got bodies hanging from telephone poles in the teaser trailer, so maybe there will be some kind of substance that doesn't suck? Let me keep my delusions.

Thoughts on the Pod

The Good:

1) I can keep my blood sugar more constant, by testing and correcting easily every... two to three hours.

2) No more shots. No more 5:30 am Lantus shot on weekends, in particular.

3) There is a handy bolus calculator that tells you how much insulin you've injected within the last three hours and automatically calculates how much insulin you need based on the carb amount you enter and some other presets you've given it.

4) I can adjust my basal rate for exercise on the fly, so I don't have to take less insulin at lunch to make sure I can work out before dinner. All I have to do is program a lower basal rate during that hour workout.

5) No shots means no bruises on my thighs, which isn't a huge deal, but which I found vaguely annoying.

The Bad:

1) Note that in order to keep that blood sugar consistency, I have to test and correct... every two or three hours. This is substantially more than the 4-5 times a day testing I was doing before.

2) The online bolus calculator doesn't work for me at all. I've been dialing in an extra unit or two and juggling the presets to see if I can get it to work correctly, but no dice. I don't think it adds in the basal rates correctly. Yes, I programmed all the settings i.e. carb lowering amounts and target blood sugar.

The Ugly:

1) Workouts that involve jumping around? Like tuck jumps and jumping jacks? Totally out, unless I want to tape or bandage the thing in place. It also hurts when you jump around, cause you can feel the needle bumping up and down uncomfortably. I already own a sports bra. I don't want one for my medical hardware, too.

2) It beeps. It beeps 12 hours before you need to replace it and again when you need to replace it. This would not be so bad, only it also beeps when it's finished delivering your bolus insulin, too, so that's more beeping 3-6 times a day.

3) It generally takes upwards of two minutes to inject 6 or 7 units of insulin. Two minutes? What the hell is it so slow for? Since it clicks as it delivers insulin, I can only imagine that it's because it's literally clocking it out at .10 unit increments.

4) It clicks every time it delivers insulin. Every. Damn. Time. I emit clicking sounds like a fucking clock.

5) The PDM is easy to use, but clunky, especially in a device you're using at least 10 - count `em 10 - times a day to check blood sugar and deliver boluses.

6) 1 in 7 pods fail, so you always have to bring a backup and your pens.... so, all that "gear" I figured I could ditch cause I was on the pump? I have to fucking carry it all around *anyway.*

I can see the advantage of a pump for people who hate needles or who have trouble with control, but my A1c runs 5.9-6.5 while using the pens, and I've figured out how to live with them. Sure, the pod makes insulin delivery more discreet, but you still have to stab your finger and bleed on a stick 10 - count `em 10 - times a day.

So again, really, what's the point?

I keep reading about all these folks who say insulin pumps really changed their lives (especially the pod), and I just don't see it. Granted, I've never been squeamish about stabbing myself at the table or telling people I have diabetes. So maybe these are more for squeamish people who have a hard time getting their blood sugar under control and don't like needles?

I admit, the beeping, clicking, knocking around cyborg thing really annoys me. I'm thinking I'll ditch it Monday morning and talk with my endo about it during our appointment in August. This was really the only pump option I was excited about (the idea of having tubing hanging off me isn't all that appealing either), and honestly, I really like the pens. I feel like they've given me a lot of freedom and flexibility, and I don't have to worry about jumping up and down during exercise and hurting myself/dislodging something. The insulin's already in there.

I am not terribly impressed, so far. I mean, when I first got it it was "Oh neat shiny and cool!" and now I'm like, "Was taking a Lantus shot at 5:30 am really so bad that I have to pack around two additional pieces of hardware?"

I just don't think it was.

I don't know. I'll take some time off and revisit it, maybe. So far I'm pretty wishy-washy.

Out and About

Still feeling too anti-social and tired to get out and about tonight. Hoping to at least go see a movie tomorrow.

Now I am faced with the fact that I do not want to cook but do not want to go out and should not be spending money on carry out food.

Pancakes and video games tonight is about all I'm up for.

Much better day than yesterday, tho. Once I switched out the pod things leveled off again and after a few spikes, I'm leveling off again. Give me another night and some exercise, and things should be much better.

But tonight: pancakes and video games.

Home Again, Jiggety Jig

Came home, changed out to a new omnipod (I keep wanting to say ipod heh heh heh), cried for awhile.

Tested at 35. Ate some graham crackers and cried some more.

I hate being broken.

I hate it more than anything in the whole world. I hate being dead already, just limping along with the help of synthetic insulin.

I hate being broken.

Crying some more.

Tomorrow will be better.

That's all living with chronic illness is for me, really: that stubborn conviction that tomorrow will be better.

Getting the sweats and the shakes at the sugar comes back up.

Fucked up cyborg, I am.

Limping along.

Tomorrow will be better.