There Are Days

I somehow managed to do nothing today. I tried to work on some line edits in a vain attempt to get tDW fucking finished. Instead, every chapter, every paragraph, every line, every word, looked wrong. I needed to start over. Trash it and start again.

It was one of those days.

I realized it wasn't as if I felt actively depressed or beaten down. I felt... overwhelmed. The list of things I want and need to do grows longer, while the list of things I actually do grows shorter.

Why is this?

Because everything I've got right now is going into sugar numbers, and figuring out insulin dosages and how I need to change my diet to work with that, and making sure I'm exercising on a schedule. Again.

My sugar's been a lot better since switching back to the Lantus-and-Novolog combo, and now I'm working at making the numbers perfect. I'm still getting one over-200 number a day, and I'm experimenting with insulin doses at noon that'll take care of that once and for all.

And I'm laboring over my diet. Cutting, cutting, cutting, like bad prose. No more butter, turkey bacon instead of bacon, a sprinkling of grated cheese instead of cheese sauce, and a heavy culling of the carbs, once again. So much for the dietician's recommended 12-15 servings a day total. There's no way that's going to work anymore. Try cutting that in half.

I'm hungry all the time. I'm not starving anymore, though. I added eggs to breakfast and a salad to dinner, so at least I start and end my day well. But that whole swath of the rest of the day is a bitch, and the best I can do is try and soothe my appetite with coffee, which I've also had to cut back on because I was drinking so much to suppress my appetite that I was making myself sick.

It's a funny thing, realizing that I have to give everything I've got to one major thing at a time. I keep trying to divide myself into equal pieces that do equally fantastic work, but in fact I can either do one thing well and a couple of things in passing, or a bunch of things half-assed. And doing a bunch of things half-assed means never being satisfied with anything. Not that I'm satisfied now. Looking at below-200 numbers on my little monitor and not feeling like shit is a great step in the right direction, but I find it difficult to manage much else right now, and that frustrates the shit out of me.

One thing at a time. I know, I know, I know. But I hate it. I hate slowing down. I want everything to run smoothly right now, this instant. I want, I want, I want.

And instead everything is this slow process, this long trek up this shitty, muddy hillside, and everybody keeps telling me there's a good view from the top, but goddamn, the view down here is shitty.

And yes, yes, I'll be fine.

But, damn.

Patrick's Got a Blog

My buddy Patrick has finally given in to peer pressure and got himself a blog.

Well, OK, it's an LJ. But that shouldn't encourage ya'll to think any less of him... heh heh

Writing Question of the Day

Why did I spend four pages getting the characters from the scholars' quarters to dinner with the Patron when the maze-like layout of the keep has absolutely no bearing on anything that happens with the plot?

Oh, yea, cause, "Someday it might!"

Cut, cut, cut.

Yes, I Am Alive

... and writing about llamas. Llamas, llamas, llamas. A fun word to spell, anyway. Ah, the things I do for money!

Watched Ride with the Devil last night.

Ohhh... Jonathan Rhys-Meyers with long hair. Still an asshole, sadly. But oh! Long hair.

Also, probably the best line ever in response to the "Are you a virgin?" question.

I'm totally stealing that line for a chracter of mine...

Sex on the Brain: Surprise, there's not much Difference

God, these things are such crap, but I'm not doing much else today...

You scored as Either. You brain is neither specifically male nor female in the way you perceive things. As bad as this sounds it can easily mean that you are capable of combining both gender aspects to your advantage. Rather than being genderless you are possibly able think freely. This does not mean that you are bisexual or androgynous or indecisive, but it might. Either 68% Male 64% Neither 54% Female 39% Should you be MALE or FEMALE?* created with QuizFarm.com

Ha ha. In the more advanced quiz, I came out leaning-toward-male-brained:

Angles
This task tested your ability to identify the angle of a line by matching it with its twin. This is a spatial task, which looks at how you picture space.

Your score: 15 out of 20
Average score for men: 15.1 out of 20
Average score for women: 13.3 out of 20

Spot the difference
This task tested your ability to identify which objects changed position. You lost points, if you incorrectly identified objects.

Your score: 14%
Average score for men: 39%
Average score for women: 46%

Damn, I suck!

Hands
You said your right thumb was on top when you clasped your hands together.

Right thumb on top: This suggests the left half of your brain is dominant. Many studies have tried to establish whether there is a relationship between handedness and brain dominance. Some scientists believe that if you are left brain dominant, you would be more verbal and analytical.

Left thumb on top: This suggests the right half of your brain is dominant. Some studies theorise that as a right brain dominant person, you may excel in visual, spatial and intuitive processes.

Ummmm OK.

Emotions and Systems
This task looked at whether you prefer to empathise or systemise.

Your empathy score is: 2 out of 20
Average score for men: 7.9 out of 20
Average score for women: 10.6 out of 20

Oh! What a lousy score!!! Why doesn't this surprise me?

What does your result suggest?

Empathisers are better at accurately judging other people's emotions and responding appropriately. If you scored 15 and above, you are very empathic and would be an ideal person to comfort people in a time of crisis. Women in general are better at empathising.

Systemising

Your systemising score is: 6 out of 20
Average score for men: 12.5 out of 20
Average score for women: 8.0 out of 20

What does your result suggest?

Systemisers prefer to investigate how systems work. A system can be a road map, flat pack furniture, or a mathematical equation – anything that follows a set of rules. A score of 15 and above suggests you're good at analysing or building systems. Men in general are better at systemising.

Eyes
This task tested your ability to judge people's emotions.

Your score: 8 out of 10
Average score for men: 6.6 out of 10
Average score for women: 6.6 out of 10

Fingers
We asked you to measure your ring and index fingers. Your ratios came to:

Right Hand: 0.98
Left Hand: 1

Average ratio for men: 0.982
Average ratio for women: 0.991

Faces
This task looked at how you rate the attractiveness of a series of faces. The images you looked at were digitally altered to create slight differences in masculinity.

Your choices suggest you prefer more masculine faces.

3D shapes
This task tested your ability to mentally rotate 3D shapes.

Your score: 8 out of 12
Average score for men: 8.2 out of 12
Average score for women: 7.1 out of 12

What does your result suggest?

If you scored 7 - 9: In past studies, 50 per cent of the people who scored in this range were women and 50 per cent were men.

Words
This task looked at your verbal fluency.

Your score: you associated 7 word(s) with grey and you named 4 word(s) that mean happy. We are assuming that all the words you entered are correct.

Average score for men: 11.4 words total
Average score for women: 12.4 words total

My only defense is that maybe I didn't understand the question correctly...

What does your result suggest?

If you produced 6 - 10 words: Most people in this range have a female-type brain.

Ultimatum
This task asked you how you would divide money.

If you had to split £50 with someone, you said you would demand £25

So far on the Sex ID test, men have demanded 51.6% (£25.80) of the pot and women have demanded 51.0% (£25.50), on average.

(all stolent from David)

Interview

Damn, that place was swanky!

35th floor, downtown, conference room with the big view of the city, everybody in slacks and ties and the whole nine yards.

It seemed to go well. I certainly wouldn't mind working there. Though I definately won't be blogging *anything* about work if I end up there. I suspect there may be more people there with an interest in googling their officemates in their downtime...

Bloodrayne

OMG that was AWFUL.

Sugar, Sugar: The Good, The Bad, the Ugly... the TMI Version (You've Been Warned)

Why is it I always end up being somebody's guinea pig?

When I was 16 and had my first gyno appointment, the doctor had an apprentice in there, and so propped me open and groped and pointed every couple of minutes to explain things to the apprentice while they both peered into my vagina.

When I had my IUD put in, there was a midwife apprentice in attendance who was there to observe the procedure. Said procedure ended up taking two clinicians, the apprentice, and 45 minutes to complete, cause I've apparently got a small cervix.

Today, Dr. S. had two newbie doctors in attendance. One of them was assigned me, and after quizzing me about bowel movements, shots, and not believing me when I said I wasn't on any other medications ("Your blood pressure is high. Don't you take any medications for it?" Uh, no, it's never been high before...), and chastising me for gaining *another* eight pounds this month, left me for ten minutes to go and consult with Dr. S.

And then all three doctors crowded into the little room to look over my sugar chart and talk about the fact that this new insulin was giving me some really watery shit morning and night. Apparently, insulin doesn't do this. Or, it shouldn't. But ever since I started this new one, it's been a problem - in addition to the spotty sugar levels.

I got another quiz on what I was eating. I told them I felt hungrier now than I had on the Lantus, but according to the eight pounds, I MUST be eating more. I told them I was working out at night, which I hadn't been the month before, but no, it's a matter of me eating too much, Dr. S. insisted.

And then he said it point blank:

I needed to lose weight.

I was a little taken aback. Seriously. Even at 191, that's on the low end of the scale for me. Anything under 200 is. I was running at 215 or 220 when I got sick. I understand the concern that I've gained 18 pounds since I've gotten healthier, but I thought that was the whole point - I've gotten healthier. I'm healthier (and much stronger) at 191 than I was at 176.

"The more you weigh, the more insulin you have to use," Dr. S. said, "you'll need to start cutting back."

Cutting back? Cutting back??? Cutting back to where????

Sweet jesus.

So, apparently, I need to lose 10 pounds.

Ha ha aha ahaah aha

I mean, shit, fuck, really, this is fucking ridiculous.

OK, yea, I've already switched out regular bacon for turkey bacon. And regular cheese for low fat mozzarella. And stopped adding salt to food. OK, I can do that....

And now, OK, well, I guess I can cut out butter. And I can measure my almonds in the morning so I don't snack on them all day. And cut the amount of string cheeses I eat from three a day to two. OK.

But I can't eat less than that. Which means my only other option is to bump up the cardio time from 30 min 4-5 days a week to 45 min 5-6 days a week.

And if, in a month, I've gained weight, I'm going to laugh at all of them.

Of *course* I've gained weight! I was *starving*!

The general consensus is that my sugar still hasn't stabilized, which is why it's bouncing around so much. Dr. S. put me back on the Lantus - oh, sweet Lantus! - and handed me $400 in free insulin.

Oh, *that* part fucking *rocked.*

"Here's some free samples," he says, and hands me 2 $80 bottles of Lantus and 2 $80 bottles of Novolog.

Fucking sweet!

Then I went home and cried.

I've worked so hard at getting the sugar levels to stabilize, and I had three doctors quizzing me with the assumption that I was doing something terribly wrong, and I hated that assumption, the assumption that I was living on cookies and regular soda, just for the hell of it. And then, to get told, after all this hunger, all this watching what I'm eating, all this stupid mandatory exercise, that I need to lose weight, oh for fuck's sake.

You think I'm not? You think I'm doing this for spite? This *is* a moderate weight for me.

But not moderate enough, apparently.

Fuck.

So I came home and cried and then put in my time on the elliptical machine. Now I'm gonna make some broccoli - without the cheese sauce - and pretend I'm doing it for fun.

The upshot of the day?

I have an interview tomorrow with a firm downtown who're looking for a project coordinator.

They didn't blink at my 50-55K a year salary requirement.

I'm trying to be optimistic.

I'm tired of things sucking.

The Writing Life

Well, I think I'll sit here and take my mind off impending layoffs by making shit up.

Not sure how much I want to prophesize potential series endings in chapter one, but at the same time, I'm a big believer in creating our own destiny, and these two characters are people who, well, *do* that.

Heh. Dunno. Might be too cheesy.

In any case, on to the last round of edits for tDW.



"I was working on the proof of one of my poems all the morning, and took out a comma. In the afternoon I put it back again." - Oscar Wilde

"Life is what happens to a writer between drafts." - Dennis R. Miller

"Stories may well be lies, but they are good lies that say true things, and which can sometimes pay the rent." - Neil Gaiman

In Which the Protagonist Wonders What it Will Be Like to Be Laid Off

Well, they let four people go last week.

Looking at my time sheet, I'm wondering how much longer I get to hang on.

Things just went totally downhill when Blaine left.

God, wouldn't getting laid off just be the perfect whipped topping celebrating the shitstorm that has been the last six months of my life?

Interview with Ben A. Barres

On science and gender. An addition to this article.

In Which the Protagonist Tries Very Hard Not to Hate Her Book

Finishing up the edits to the POV chapters for one of my main characters in tDW, Auryn. His chapters and Roh's chapters are the last in need of major overhauling (as usual). This is good because it means Lilihin, Zezili, and Anavha are done, and I refuse to touch them again until somebody tells me to rewrite them.

That's how I'm getting through this, by telling myself I'm in the final stretch. Just these two sections of edits, input the edits, print the fucker, and send it back out into the world.

I can't tell you how pleased I'll be to get this thing out of my hands again. It'll make concentrating on all my other projects a lot easier.

In the meantime, I'm reminded of why these two particular characters' chapters are such a bitch to write.

Well, *yea*

You Are A Pirate!


What Type Of Swashbuckler Are You?
brought to you by Maddog Varuka & Dawg Brown

(thanks, Jenn!)

The Crappy Part About Having Type 1 Diabetes

... is that 90% of diabetics are Type 2, which means 90% of the drugs are tailored to Type 2s, people who still have functionaing pancreases. So you get all excited reading about the benefits of new drugs and then realize that they aren't made for you.

Money & Power

Interesting article about the power dynamics in a small coastal village in South Korea where the women make the bulk of a family's wealth by diving for shellfish.

Like their sisters throughout coastal areas in East Asia, the sea women here spend their days diving into the sea with no breathing devices, simply holding their breath for minutes as they comb the sea bottom for shellfish.

Women, whose bodies are thought more able to spend long hours in the cold water, experts in the subject say, have had a monopoly on this business, so that the sea women have long enjoyed an uncommonly powerful position in otherwise male-dominated societies.

It reminds me a bit of the diving culture in Egalia's Daughters, and is a good example of how you can alter the language of how you speak about a skill and emphasize that one sex is innately "better" at that skill than another. You don't realize how tied you are to the language of biologically determined skill sets until you see someone else flipping it on its head.

The really interesting part here is that women, because they make the majority of the money, have traditionally held more power over what's done with that money. Which is a good testament to why women can't really acheive total equality until we receive equal pay for equal work. As more and more men are getting jobs in tourism, the power dynamics in the village are changing. Now that men are making money, they're getting a voice at home.

My favorite quote from the whole article? This one, hands down:

“Even though he was a man, he was more like a woman,” she said. “He was so nice and tender. He was very feminine. I couldn’t tell the difference whether he was male or female. So I never begrudged having to feed him.”

I'm so cribbing that line in my next book... heh heh

Motrin is My Friend

But hey, if that's the only consequence to having an IUD anymore, I'll take it. Why doesn't everyone have one of these?

Oh, yea, cause the first three months fucking sucked.

Also, I've discovered why so many of my characters in my last two books get their fingers chopped off. I just chopped my finger again with our new kitchen knife. Jenn has this set of ultra sharp knives, and I was constantly bleeding all over everything. Then they lost thier sharpness, so me, being the brilliant person I am, bought a new one.

Chopping up salad greens was never so exciting. Though typing is now a little painful.

Damn.

"Your Boyfriend Must Have Done it For You"

Prof. Barres is transgendered, having completed the treatments that made him fully male 10 years ago.... Being first a female scientist and then a male scientist has given Prof. Barres a unique perspective on the debate over why women are so rare at the highest levels of academic science and math: He has experienced personally how each is treated by colleagues, mentors and rivals.

Great stuff.

Yea. Number 68.

Countries as diverse as Britain, Chile, Liberia and Israel have elected women to their highest political office. When it comes to female representation in national parliaments, the U.S. ranks 68th in the world....

Even the new democracies in Iraq and Afghanistan have a greater percentage of female representatives than does Congress, according to the Inter-Parliamentary Union, an international group based in Geneva, Switzerland...

In 2003, the number of women in Rwanda's National Assembly doubled, largely due to the creation of a constitutionally mandated quota. Since that year, Rwanda has been No. 1 in the global ranking of women in national parliaments, with 48.8 percent of its assembly made up of women.

(via angryblackbitch)

This is Ridiculous

I could complain about living on the top floor of a three flat in 100 degree weather with one little air con unit for one long, thin apartment, but then, looks like everyone else is pretty screwed, too:


I've been surviving by dousing myself periodically with cold water and lying around a lot. The good news is, Jenn and I are catching up on watching a lot of shows...

Question of the Day

Why is The Road Warrior playing on The History Channel??

Did someone get confused?